Now Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program (Almost)

Shew - I'm done. Loved participating in ICLW week and I've found so many great new blogs to follow. On the downside, I'm behind on some of my favorite blogs and, well, ahem, actual posts of my own.

For those not familiar, ICLW has an "Iron Commenter" status you receive if you go to every blog on the list and leave a comment on at least one posting. This is not as easy as it sounds, especially if you are like me and make sure you read an entire post. Some very long. Usually the great ones. God forbid you feel the need to flip around on a blog to find "just the right post". Yea, I did that a couple of times.

But I did it. Posted a comment (or two or three) on every single one of them. Yay for me! It's a little thing, but sometimes completing a task like this makes me feel awesome. Just think: I had an extra 44 minutes to spare before the midnight deadline. For some reason I'm having vague flashbacks of college...

Today's readings:

1. It Is What It Is (Or Is It?): Pain and Discomfort
2. Growing Griswolds: I am officially cray-cray
3. 1000 Oceans: our little squiggly & welcome iclw
4. Breathe Gently: The weekly run-down: 19
5. Dear Finley: The Sad Mother
6. Life of an Army Wife: Written Off Part 2
7. The 2 Week Wait: Me- Failure
8. The Barreness: Detachable Penis
9. Patience is Not My Virtue: More Bloody Bloodwork
10. Carney Exploits: The IVF Consult
11. Waiting For Baby: BF
12. Survive and Thrive (This site was hacked and thus unable to leave a comment. This makes me angry, but I will make sure to go back and read it when it's available.
13. Life with Roozle: Roozle's Plate
14. Dancing My Way Through Life, Loss, and Books: Catching Up
15. Feeling Beachie: A Long Road Ahead
16. Stirrup Queens: It’s Totally Cool to be Baby Crazy*… If You’re Fertile

Slacker, Community Peeps, 10 Second Rant, & ICLW

I confess. Super Slacker on the post reads today. Mostly because I didn't get home from a meeting with some local community folks (and then dinner) until almost 10pm.

The short of it involves them asking us to be a "named plaintiff" against a big box store that wants to move in right next to me. They need someone who lives close and I don't think you can get much closer than we are. Did we acquiesce? Damn straight. My quality of life goes down the tubes if the stupid mass retailer moves in. So much for me liking my privacy (both as a named plaintiff and/or if they move in.) Le sigh.

It probably doesn't help that I missed taking my supplements most of last week and now that I am taking them again, I have to deal with side effects. Rage Balls with your side of DHEA anyone? Hopefully it will pass quickly. While I have that going on, I'm going to use it as an excuse to go into a 10 second rant on something that drove me bonkers last week. 

10 Second Rant:
I am not a grammar Nazi. I swear I'm not. If you want to know the truth, I'm fully aware that my own grammar isn't that fabulous most of the time. But I hate - really, really hate - when someone's is awful. (If someone is disabled, from another country, uneducated, or similar then they totally get a pass.) There are blogs I can't read anymore because of the writing. Not minor things, but things that make you want to poke your eyes out.

I want to read the story, not try and decipher the jumbled up mess. Maybe it's because of my ADD, but when it's a jumbled mess, it's HARD for me to read. In the end, I just don't read them; it's too frustrating.

And I'm willing to bet, at least a quarter bet, that I am not the only one. That actually makes me a pretty crappy and judgmental person, but I can't help myself at times. I wish I could. This is the part where if I was smart I would erase this whooooolllleeeee section. 

End Rant

If you are visiting from ICLW then
A.) Sorry you had to see that rant. I'm not normally like that I swear. Ok, maybe sometimes.
B.) What took you so long? (LOL Just kidding) and
C.) You might want to start HERE instead for a tiny blurb about me and better posts to read. Except you are at the end of this one already so you might as well stay here.

Today's Readings:

1. (Still) Trying to Conceive: Languages
2. Hobbit-ish Thoughts and Ramblings: Sunday Night Chit-Chat Recovery Mode
3. Crazycatladywantsbaby: I Must be Stupid - TMI Post
4. Bébé Suisse: What does a girl have to do to buy a Doppler around these parts?
5. Follow Every Rainbow (nope - need permission. :-(  )
6. Team Harries Beat Infertility: Willingness to Wait
7. Tesseract: Eighteen Years
8. Thought Provoking Moments: Well, Well, Well
9. Genuine Greavu: the "A" Word
10. the misadventures of missohkay: When World's Collide
11. My Fertility Blog: And Then There's Good News

Daily Readings and a Teaser

Have a bunch to write, but I'm too tired. If I hadn't challenged myself to read all the blogs participating in IComLeavWe at Stirrup Queens, then I probably would have written some today and yesterday. Shrug. A girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

If you're new and want to learn a few quick things about me, my post from yesterday will help with that. (See how lazy I am today?) Have to say, despite my whining, I really do enjoy discovering all these new blogs. 2 more days! By Friday I should have test results from our surro, and dare I say a real blog post? Mayhaps. Stay tuned.

(P.S. I need to remember to write a rant on the book Gone Girl. There's some IVF stuff in there as part of the story line that made me want to throw my book against the wall. Until I remember that my book was a Nook.)

Today's Readings:
(I'm kicking myself for not keeping a side list of my favorites. Maybe next month.)

1. Home Grown Love: Surviving the Holidays
2. for all the things we hope for: The path to knowing
3. Waffle-Wednesday: Night if the Living Oblivious
4. A Daily Miracle: Double Digits and Braxton Hicks
5. Simple|South: I Like a Good Challenge
6. Gonna Do It For Baby: Thanksgiving Announcement
7. Believing in June: What I don't Believe About Infertility
8. Dreaming of Dimples: 4 years 
9. Life in Little Hispaniola: So What Do You Eat Anyway (Part 1 of 3)
10. Our Work of A.R.T.: Welcome ICLW!!!
11. Three Quarters Full: In His Own Time
12. Pollination Chronicles: ICLW, FET, and a 2ww.
13. Arete Aspirations: 21 December 2012
14. Our Journey Through this Lovely Life: Nope. Nada. Nothing. Negative.
15. Ready for My Bundle: Friday Night at the ER...
16. Welcome to the Road: Waiting...Again...
17. Things Couldn't be Better: You have died of dysentery

ICLW Readings and a 10 Second blurb About Me

Quick blurb about me for our ICLW gang from over at Stirrup Queens.

I turned 40 in April and was married 2 years ago in March to a wonderful man whom I adore (usually). My husband is originally from India and I am half Swedish/half American mutt (originally from south FL, but living in Atlanta since my teenage years.) From a previous short-lived marriage, I have a fantastic, 20 year old son.

Due to a surgery I had 4-5 years ago, I can not carry a baby. My now-husband and I discussed this when we first met - and talked about having a surrogate if/when the time came. It kills me how naive we were back then. No real knowledge of the "biological clock" and what we did know we stupidly didn't think really applied to us. We've been through 2 IVF cycles with surrogates in India. First one failed, the second one was a chemical pregnancy. We will give it one more go (either here or India) with my eggs and then we will have to see what we see.

Post of mine that may be of interest (since this one isn't) if you are participating in ICLW Week:
What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk (Courage, going to India alone for IVF.)
Special Lady Cocktails ([Mostly] self-Rxd supplements and feeling ridiculous.)
Another Option (A new, amazing surrogate option presents itself.)
Failed Again (Finding out we had a chemical pregnancy.)


Blogs I read today (from ICLW):

1. Dreaming of Dimples: 4 years
2. Pepibebe: Sweet Dreams
3. FrozenOJs Concentrated Life: 30 Days of Thanks: Day 21
4. Emma in Mommyland: What is a "Rainbow Baby"?
5. It's the Journey: Furbabies
6. Who is this "Fertile Myrtle"?: First Appointment for Removal
7. One Day at a Time: Infertility Etiquette
8. The Buggy List: The bewbs are back 
9. Comatised: Scum Bustin Makes Me Feel Good (comments not allowed)
10. My (In)fertile Confessions: ICLW
11. Sweet Dreams are Made of This: Dear Birthmother Letter
12. We Three Crabs: Friendship
13. IUI to Roux-en_Y to??: ICLW, OB Update, 25 Weeks
14. Life is Simple, it's Just Not Easy: November ICLW :)
15. A Virtual Hobby Story and Coffee Haus: How Campus Racism is a Post-Election Reality
16. Unexplained Rantings: Expectations
17. Creating a Family: Creating Embryos Specifically to Donate/Sell
18. A Bliss Filled Life: Life Before the Bliss
19. Wandering Wonderment: IComLeavWe Intro
20. A Glamorous Mommy Life: My Story Part 1

Blogs I read from yesterday. Yes, you may notice I did the ole "start from the bottom" with regards to the ICLW list. Actually, I started randomly and then decided to try for Iron Commenter status.  THEN I started at the bottom. Then I read a few of my regular blogs. Below is list of what I can remember I read. 

1. Gypsy Mama’s Misconceptions
2. If You Don’t Stand For Something
3. Upper Middle Mom: So Thankful
4. Old Lady and No Baby: Decisions, Decisions & You Want Me to Stick it Where? & First Blog
5. Journey to the Finishline: From First to Second (&ICLW)
6. Life As I Know It: Giving Gifts
7. InDueTime
8. Scrambled Eggs
9. finding the peace to the puzzle: A New Beginning
10. The Quest for the Golden Egg: Still Stuck and Still Tired
11. Compromised Fertility
12. Things Couldn’t Be Better: November ICLW
13. Enjoying the Course
14. IVF Over 40: A Confession
15. Rasta Less Traveled: 7 Months 
16. My Fertility Blog: For Those of You Who Are Pregnant & Sad News & Today is Another Day
17. Tandoori Viking: Eye Candy :)
18. 10 Miles Uphill in the Snow: Swallow Study Results
19. What Am I?: Enjoying It & I Am Thankful & Sick Again
20. Stupid Stork: Acting
21. Stirrup Queens: 419 Friday Blog Round Up

I've Been MIA, but Still Here

I've been MIA for a little bit. Sorry about that. Nothing life shattering, but just a few things I'm not ready to blog about yet. My new job and prepping for Thanksgiving has left me a bit behind as well. Not only with blogging, but with my favorite past time of reading other's blogs. And well, to be perfectly honest, I've had baby showers and friend's babies that I've had to embrace. No break downs - internal or external - yay for me!

Meanwhile, I know it's IComLeavWe week! (Ok, the weeks half over - better late than never.) Welcome welcome welcome. I realized this morning that most people participating inn ICLW would probably stop at the first post unless directed otherwise, so I'm listing some of my more interesting posts in the last few months (though feel free to stop at my spur of the moment, last- blog-post: 'Ode to Chai' tribute, check out the side bar, or search for tags.)

These aren't in any particular order. Next month I'll try and put this up BEFORE ICLW starts. Here's some of my favs in the last few months.

What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk (Courage, going to India alone for IVF.)
Special Lady Cocktails ([Mostly] self-Rxd supplements and feeling ridiculous.)
Another Option (A new, amazing surrogate option presents itself.)
Failed Again (Finding out we had a chemical pregnancy.)

Thanks again to Stirrup Queen for all she does and for organizing ICLW. If you are not already familiar with her blog and are in this horrible Land of IF (infertility), I highly advise you to check out her website. She organizes TONS of blogs on the subject and has a weekly breakdown of favs every Friday.


Oh yea! HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!!!

Creme de la Creme

I love reading all of the blogs on my current roster, but I'm always interested in reading more. Have a great blog? Or maybe just a post you dug down deep within and want to share? Add it to the list here.

Get your submission in for 2012 ASAP. The deadline is December 15th. Personally I just picked one on the fly, because I tend to forget easily and knew if I didn't submit right away then it wasn't going to happen. What are you waiting for? Do it! You started a blog - now share it with others. 

BTW, if you are not already familiar with Stirrup Queens, I highly recommend it. You can get a good highlight of other blogs that are available that may offer great advice on something that you are dealing with. Melissa has organized all the different blogs into "rooms" that you can find here. Here is an image connected to her site to give you an idea of the different rooms (though if you click on the link you can get a MUCH better idea of the level of granularity that goes into each room. 

On Feeling Alone

I know that there are TONS of folks that face infertility, but damn it, sometimes this path feels so lonely.

• The hormones.
• The feeling less of a woman.
• The weight gain and the realization none of your clothes fit. 
• The money. (You can't even think of buying new clothes).
• The daily meds or supplements.
• The feeling of failure.
• The limitations of what you can eat/drink/do to make sure you have "the best chances".
• The no baby. 
• The doctor visits
• The pretending everything is fine.
• The pretending like you really want to hear and be invited to every baby event.
• People asking "so when are you guys going to have kids?"
• The CONSTANT reminder that you are old (or at least your eggs are). 
• The roller coaster that just won't seem to stop no matter how long you've been on the ride. 
• The worry that wanting to use your own eggs raises the chance of health issues in your child. 
• The worry that I'm becoming obsessive or annoying.
• Worrying about my in-laws
• The invasive procedures
• The worrying over every little unknown pain will cause a problem
• The money (yes, this is big enough to write twice).
• etc...

My BFF is a guy and I don't think he can completely relate. Actually, I take that back. His situation is worse.
Me: "This sucks. I can't carry a baby. My eggs are getting old. And we pay a fortune just to be on this stupid roller coaster ride."
BFF: "I think my MS, being single, no chance of kids, and the eventually that my walker requirement will turn into a wheelchair requirement triumphs. My insurance alone is over $900 a month and I can't work."
Me: "touche. Let's go grab lunch. It's on me."

My second BFF just had a baby, so it's not like I want to rain on her parade or have her feel like she's walking on eggshells. She's so totally awesome and her baby is as cute as cute can be.

My husband, though tremendously patient with me, doesn't alway understand how this physically and emotionally this affects me. And as many of you know, it's a doozy  Nor do I, having been a parent before and not from a culture who puts the highest importance on having children, understand all of his internal turmoil. On dealing with the emotional side of IF, we probably both stuff it down in order to appear brave for the other.

If I tried to discuss things with my mother, then she would be incredibly sad worrying about me. That would only add to my stress. No thanks.

In blog land I sometimes worry that I am offending others. In my posts and sometimes my comments; both farthest from what I am actually trying to do. Just trying to convey my thoughts at a particular moment in time. Or trying to avoid feeling sad. Or trying to be helpful. Or funny.

In work and with friends, I'm limited to what I can say. Sometimes because I'm trying to protect myself (lest I am fired for going through IF like I alluded to here) and sometimes I just don't want everyone knowing my business. Nor do I have the desire to be the discussion of gossip as can happen when you have a large group of friends. Nor do I want to be the person that constantly complains and whines as that drives me crazy. Little bits are fine, but when you run into that person who has had problems for soooooo long, it becomes exhausting to talk to them. I certainly don't want to be "that" person.

Yet life goes on. Everyone is busy discussing their kids, sharing fun photos, and doing fun family projects. I'm sure it's a grass-is-greener type thing (after all, we've had some AMAZING travel adventures over the last 4 years), but if I see one more Luvs commercial on Hulu, I'm going to scream.

Why no pic?

Photo from http://www.squidoo.com/buy-anonymous-mask

When I first considered starting this blog, I had to think long and hard about my privacy vs trying to help others. It's a tough choice. Blogs can bite you in the butt with family, friends, employers, or just plain finding your story on some media website. Heck, I don't even have a public facebook profile, which is surprising since I am very active there as well as other social media outlets.

There are many reasons not to personally attach your name or picture to a something in the public domain. In my case, we have several. There are family members that do not know every aspect of our lives, nor do we want them to. My husband is opposed to posting pictures publicly for a multitude of reasons - even ones to share with his family (we email them separately.) With his job I have to be extra careful what I post or it could cause him problems. While I do have some public social media profiles, I am very careful what I post and I do not post pics with him in them. There's also the issue of an ex-boyfriend whom I had to endure some serious stalker issues with (many online) that has left permanent marks. On and on and on with a multitude of reasons.

On the flip side, the blogs of my fellow infertility/IVF/Surro peeps have helped me keep my sanity. The stories and the pictures everyone posts help me know I am not alone and they help me get through this difficult time. One could even say I have a minor addiction to fertility blogs now. :-) There is a plethora of information and support that is unlike any I could find by joining some local group or other outlet. With that in mind, I really wanted to contribute my story and support to help, as others have helped (and continue to help) me.

Blogs like these are important. I didn't want to feel like I had to censure anything, because the process is so very important. That is why I came to the decision to not post identifying pics or our names. I wanted to make sure I was completely honest in my posts, without fear of hurting anyone's feelings or jeopardizing our personal privacy. The main picture I finally decided to use the avatar of Kali,as created by Pixar's Sanjay Patel.  (I'll save the reason for that choice for another post.)

Thanks blogosphere peeps for all that you do. I am so very grateful for your bravery that spans not only fertility, but so much more. I am thrilled that not all have restrictions as I do and love all that you share. You are an inspiration to myself and so many more. Keep up the good work.

If you are super-duper curious about me, then hit me up on the side with an email. But only if you have your own blog. :-)

Tickets procured!

Well it's official. We are off to make a baby in India this summer! (I'm already imagining making a "Made in India" one-see.) Plane and train tickets purchased; doctor appts are set and confirmed.

There is a surprisingly great and diverse blog community that have traveled the same route (ie. surrogacy in India.) If you are interested, you can look at my blog links and see the current ones I am reading. Lots of on the edge stuff for ya. Be forewarned: one blog will lead you to 20 more. Eventually you will loop back around, but come prepared with tissues.

It's our first IVF cycle and I'm trying to do everything possible to make sure it is a success. Cut out all alcohol (I miss you dear wine...), cut waaaayyyyyy back on the caffeine (= need for naps), showers instead of baths (this makes me very sad) and tons of other stuff I probably don't need to worry about but am anyway. I even forwent oysters the other night. Amazing how many things we take for-granted. Hopefully it will pay off. I'm taking prenatal vitamins and baby aspirin. Next month I start acupuncture.

Here we go. 1,2,3 JUMP!