Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Another option

The other day I received a shocking offer. One that could solve a lot of problems for us. Maybe. If we are lucky - and that's what it usually boils down to in the end. In a Tim Burton kinda twisted way.

Someone close to us has offered to be a surrogate here in the States. 

Interestingly enough, my husband and I had 2 different reactions. He was ecstatic and slowly realized that I... well... wasn't. Don't get me wrong - it will be FABULOUS if it works out, but just a mere offer doesn't turn into a done deal and I guess that's what has me a little nervous.

This person is very close and dear to us. I love her completely and I nearly cried when I read her email. BUT, I'm afraid to get my hopes up.

Today my Atlanta Clinic called and they had my AMH results back: .86. Not good. Not good at all. Not horrible (like in India), but definitely not good. It has dropped over half from January. So I'm fairly certain this will be our last try with my eggs. And that's IF ACRM will even take me now. I'm hoping that the fact I had 3 good embryos last month will help convince them.

The idea of using someone close to us make me nervous for so many reasons. What if we plan everything, go through IVF, and then she decides she can't do it? I would understand why, but that would kill me. What if she isn't approved medically? She smokes, how do I know she will be able to quit? That's a HUGE thing. (I'm guessing she quit 5 years ago when she was pregnant, but I didn't ask.) And how much time to we have to wait for all of these things to align?

Also, how will she feel giving the baby to us and seeing the baby all the time? One commenter on my carrier's perspective story made me feel better about that, but is that the norm? So many questions. We are meeting with her and her husband this weekend to discuss everything.

We also had a super close friend (2 actually) offer to be an egg donor for us. (Yes - we are surrounded by truly phenomenal people.) Not sure if those offers are genuine either, and more importantly, thought out. Am I being too pessimistic? Am I letting MY personality traits (agree to things before really thinking about them) bleed into how I think others would react? I don't know. I just know I can't take much more of the roller coaster. Sadly, it's a roller coaster no matter which way we choose. Isn't it?


  1. very exciting news! take it one step at a time.....
    I'd start by speaking to an attorney so that you understand what is invovled in a US surrogate. I was overwheelmed by the amount of paper work and testing but in our case it is not a known GC . We used Melisa Brissman shes one of the best in country ( also I believe her kids are from a GC).

    Total time from meeting our GC to starting a cycle was about 4 months ( 6 weeks for paper work, 1 month for re apt, 2 weeks for results, 1 month to sink cycles, 2 weeks to cycle)

    your right to be cautiously excied - both of my cousins were not approved for DE. One had an elevated BMI and the other had a history of childhood seizures ( fever related- but none the less she got dinged!).

    1. Thanks. If it's 4 months for a known GC, than that may be too much time. My AMH levels have already dropped in half since January.

    2. Don't want to discourage you in anyway but speak to your MD or consult with CCRM . After 2 failed cycles with a low Amh . 6. My MD at Cornell didn't want me to try again with my own eggs since I was a poor responder ( produced 4 eggs each time ). I switched to another RE to attempt another " natural" cycle in which I responded a bit better (8 eggs) 2 fertilized , since I " improved" we cycled again with poor response and was then told I was not a candidate for IVF due to being a poor responder.

      In find sight I now wish I'd gone straight to DE after the 2nd failed I've and have learned that your kind of doomed if you have a low AMH + poor IVF response of 2 or more protocols.
      With it being said in Ny -If I walked into in RE to start a cycle today I would not be on the calender until Jan 2013- because all the labs close for 2 weeks in december for regulated " cleaning" - so perhaps you could work on seeing if your De would even qualify ( if you need her) and the same for the GC . Looking back I feel like we wasted so much time and money - I am sure it's all part of the coping process but I wish I had done things a little different.

    3. DE is not an option for us currently even with the friend offer. It's a complicated and long explanation of all the different reasons, so I'll spare that for a different day. It involves costs, citizenship, and a litany of other things.

      We are going to try one more time with my eggs. My second cycle was much better than my first and part of that was probably due to a cyst that was messing up my hormones during my first. We ended up with 3 out of 4 eggs fertilizing and turning into good embryos (and chemical pregnancy).

      Since we cycled in India, I had to take BCP and I've seen a lot of studies like the link below that suggests Lupron before menstruation when taking BCPs for IVF. BCPs can cause poor response.

  2. Wow!!!! That's amazing! I totally get why you're not elated. My friend offered to be a GS for DE or a TS a few months ago, actually about one month into our pregnancy. She smokes too. I wasn't excited as she's only had one child and is a single mum. I thought perhaps she hadn't thought it through. But I have to say if your friend is willing to come over and discuss it properly with you both, she's serious....then you have to be worried about whether it works....would you move onto DE yet? It could be quite beautiful if one friend DE and another is a GS....bub would have two god mothers right there! Just wondering, could she be a TS?
    Keep us updated. I'm happy you have such good friends but I understand your caution. Love SR x

    1. We would try with my eggs once more as long as the doctors think we should. The potential GS is married (to someone also close to us) and has children. Hubby is on board.

      DE with a friend would be extremely difficult emotionally as well. Maybe more so. I don't know.

      Given my background and the laws in the US (particularly my state), I would not do TS.

  3. I understand why you would be cautious. It's your baby!! We considered the possibility of having a friend carry ours, but decided against it. In our case, we decided against it because she was single and childless and I can't imagine what that would be like for a surrogate mother on the delivery day. It's an amazing gift that comes with incredible sacrifice on the surrogate's part.

    Other parents have done the opposite - tried in India without success and had a friend offer, resulting in beautiful, perfect families. There is no sure answer.

    I think (as you've already planned) that you should write out all of your concerns and wishes as honestly and completely as possible and then talk them over with her & her husband. If they is still excited to give you this gift, then woohoo!

    How awesome that you have someone who is considering being so generous. You have a wonderful friend!

    1. Yes, fortunately this person is already a mom. Both her and her husband on board. They are both very close to us.

      I am constantly amazed at the truly wonderful people I am surrounded by. It wasn't always this way. Once I cut bad people out, it was much easier to see how many great ones there really are.


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