Backscatter and IVF

Every since we've started IVF, I avoid the backscatter machines like the plaque. Even a tiny bit of radiation is too much risk in my head. My husband does as well, but for totally different reasons. Turns out I'm not the only one: The New York Times wrote X-Ray Scans at Airports Leave Lingering Worries back in August and it seems to back up my position. Nothing really definitive, but enough to make me continue my avoidance of the backscatter machines. If you are trying IVF (or pregnant) and flying, it may be worth the read.

Interestingly enough, I almost ran into a problem with this on our return flight from India in the Amsterdam airport. They have long had scan machines* in place and from my experience, it is EXTREMELY uncommon for people to opt-out. Caused a bit of commotion last time when I was trying to opt-out and the agents were trying to convince me it was safe. I kept repeating "my doctor specifically told me NOT to go through those." I hadn't really talked to any doctor about it, but it was all I could think of at the moment. The agents then tried to explain that the metal detectors were a higher risk than the backscatter machines (I have found out since then that this is not true in cases of pregnancy; I can't vouch for other medical issues.)

The female of the duo agents finally stated "they are even safe if you are pregnant" to which I gave a notable pause. "Even IF you are pregnant? Because my doctor said NOT TO." Apparently my long pause, semi-panic attitude, and adamant stance made HER pause. "Are you pregnant?" I had to think quick. The line from GhostBusters hopped in my brain "If someone asks if you are a God - YOU SAY YES!" And so I lied. "Yes, I'm 40 years old, high risk for miscarriage, and my doctor told me not to go through those."

At this, the female agent waved off the male agent, pulled me to the side, gave me a pat-down, and said congratulations. Did I feel bad for lying? Yes. No. Maybe. That congratulations was a bit stingy, but ok. I'll take it. Way better than me worrying about the alternative.

Woman are born with a finite set of eggs. We make no  more. We have to protect what we have. There are no long term studies on the effects of these machines and in many cases they aren't calibrated/tested regularly. If something went awry, you would probably never hear about it. When you get an x-ray, even if it is faaaaarrrrrrrrr from your ovaries (like an ankle x-ray I had a few years ago), they place a little protective pad over your abdomen to protect your ovaries. As far as I'm concerned, that pad is there for a reason, and I'm not lowering my chances one single bit.

* The Amsterdam airport is said to use a different technology than the normal backscatter machines we have in the US. They call it "Security Scan" and it uses millimetre waves that bounce
off the skin and do not enter the body. To my knowledge, long term studies have not been performed on them. 

Bye bye India

Sniff sniff.

I met some really great people this trip: some only briefly and some were there every step of the way. (And to the cute girl asking me if she should blog - YES! I won't mention your name in case you want to end up going incognito like me, but I think it would be great if you did.) Best of luck to all my fellow IVFers and surro buddies.

Would also like to mention how much I really like our surrogate. She is a beautiful (inside and out), healthy, bright, and charming young woman. Exactly what I hoped for. Hopefully, fate will shine down on us in this and in the future.

Was happy to have a chance to see some of our family while we were here, even if only briefly. Wish we had more time, but alas it was not so.

So much to write, but I'm on my phone and need to start prepping for our long flight, so I'll cut it short for now. Made lots of notes along the way, to write for a different day.

Bye bye India. Hope to see you soon.

Arrived and all is well

I realized last night that I hadn't posted an update. Getting to Anand is not a quick journey and I usually am a bit "off" for a few days when I get here. The travel was smooth but long. Here's an approximate timeline

Thursday 
4:45pm - board plane
6:30pm - plane takes off (45 min delay).
fly 8 hours. Different time zone.

Friday:
8:30am -  Amsterstam time land.
9:00am - unnecessarily rush to see where my next gate is. It's 2 gates back. Go through security. Realize after standing in line I can go through Sky Miles line. Switch lines. Go through security. Board around 9:45am.
10:20am - flight takes off for Mumbai (7 1/2 hour flight, time zone changes again).
10:30PM - land in Mumbai.
11:30pm - through customs and see nephew waiting outside to pick me up.

Saturday
12:30am - arrive at BIL/SIL/nephew's flat. Eat, talk for a bit and try to get a few hours sleep
4:45am - get up and get ready to go to train station. Nephew is riding with me to Anand
6:30am - train leaves
11:50am - train arrives in Anand
12:30pm - check into hotel, eat lunch, see off nephew (he is riding train back to Mumbai)
4:00pm - pass out (I didn't sleep on train for fear I would miss our stop.)
8:00pm - wake up. Eat dinner. Contact everyone I need to contact. Watch a movie, read, pass out again.

Sunday 
Still adjusting and don't get a blog post out (but I think of some interesting ones to post!) Go exploring in hood (ie, walk to clinic and a restaurant..) Still adjusting to time change.

Monday morning: now. Off to see the doctor. This will probably be an all day affair as not only do I have to do blood work and exam, she's been out of town, and she has to squeeze me in to aspirate my cyst. Meaning I have to have general anesthesia. I'll be too wonky to post then. And if I do post, there is NO telling what I may say. :-)


Here is a pic of a warm-and-fuzzy I brought along for the trip. I'm pretty sure he ate all my ice cream.

Leavin... On a jet plane

Yea yea yea, I'm very non-original today.

On my plane to India. I hear there are potential floods.

Women in front of me across several rows are going on about one of them who adopted a baby from Russia. I'm not sure how the conversation even started since no one seems to know each other, there aren't any babies, and the women aren't sitting next to each other. I think someone else recently internationally adopted or is about to. That's my guess. I wonder if I would ever feel comfortable about taking to total strangers about my ordeal. Well, EXCEPT YOU GUYS! But that's totally different. :-)

Feeling better today, but sad I will be without my husband for a few weeks. It's just setting in. I really hate being without him. Especially during sleepy time.

Plane is hot. They said one of the vents are having issues, but it will be resolved once we take off. Someone near me is a smoker and it's making me a little nauseous. In a non-drama queen way.

Prepare for take off.

Spot Check Part 2: Calming down

Right now I've calmed down enough to realize my spotting yesterday may  have been caused by the sonogram on Thursday. It has happened before with a sonogram. I don't know why it didn't occur to me till this afternoon when I was at a baby shower and was relieved to see no blood on a ladies room break. (Sorry to be so graphic.)  Or it could have been a minor nick on the cyst. I think if it had burst at 5cm, then there would have been a lot more blood.

Must have been pale as a ghost last night and my wonderful hubby helped calm me down. All I could think of was how I had some how messed up my last chance. I'm still a little worried, but not massively freaked out like I was last night. Tiny, tiny spot this morning, but then no more blood today. I was so freaked out last night I took an extra BCP. I may take extra ones till the 5th just to be sure.

Thinking that my side effects (like dizzy) may be merely from the cyst itself. (Or the freak out!) Not surprised that I had one as I had started cramping on occasion. I'm not bleeding today, so I'm hoping and hoping that the sonogram caused it. If I'm ok till Monday, then I will be able to breath a sigh of relief. If I'm not, I will contact Dr. Patel in India. As long as I am not bleeding, I will try not to worry.

In other news, if all goes well, I will have my cyst aspirated in India. Not ideal (will be alone initially and I will have to undergo general anesthesia), but I don't have much of a choice. Was able to confirm that my OB/GYN had been talking about laparoscopy and Dr. Patel said that she would have to cancel the cycle if I did that. Dr. I's staff (and he) were using laparoscopy and aspiration interchangeably (they most certainly are NOT) and after a series of confusing discussions with his staff, I was finally able to clarify with him on Friday morning. Apparently he DOES NOT aspirate, and told me that an infertility clinic would have to do that.

We have a really good infertility clinic here (ACRM) that we have used for all of our initial tests, but the chance I would be able to get an appointment in time are very slim. Not to mention that it most certainly WOULD NOT be covered under insurance. My old company insurance covered some things, but my husband's BCBS covers next to nothing for infertility. The mere fact something is done at an infertility clinic usually means they won't pay for it. The money we have spent at the infertility clinic does not even go against our yearly deductible.

Just as well. My husband did not have a warm and fuzzy about my having it so close to international travel. And my travel to India is not direct - it usually takes about 36 hours of travel time. I don't sleep well on planes, trains, or automobiles (all of which I have to take), so it's best to do it in India. Dr. Patel said she would do it and she did it last time. Pretty sure she didn't even charge us extra. Hopefully it doesn't affect the cycle.

Please keep your hopes/prayers/warm wishes for me that it was just a result from the sonogram and that I will have a successful cycle in Anand. 

What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk

Dorothy meets the Cowardly Lion, from the first edition

From The Wizard of Oz,  by the Cowardly Lion
Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got?

When I went to India in June for my first IVF treatment, a few people remarked how brave I was. Truthfully, it didn't feel brave. At all. Not even a tiny bit. I have been to India twice before and besides family living there and being able to check things out for us, my husband (who is Indian) traveled with me. He's fluent in Hindi, the national language, and knows several other languages. He can tell by listening to someone where they are from in India and of course is familiar with many customs. When I see others take this journey to India, I feel far less brave than them. Even if the illusion from those here at home is something different.

What I realized last trip, is that I used my husband as a crutch - as did many of the locals. Most people preferred speaking to him in Hindi and it seemed an effort (and slightly rude) to constantly interrupt them with "hey there! English please!" (Note: this was never a problem with our doctor, who always spoke in English and spoke equally to both of us.) I'm sure part of it also had to do with the patriarchal society over there that some are more comfortable with (and no that is not a ding against India as we certainly have our fair share of it here in the US).

The funny part is that I have back-packed through Europe with my 9 year old son before - with only a multi-lingual phrase book, rail pass, basic necessities, and a loose plan that wasn't adhered to. I've been to countries all of the world and navigated myself without too much hullaballoo. I'm more inclined to seek different and daring adventures when on my own, then when not. Let's just say that "impulsive" is a much better adjective to describe me than "overly cautious". Incidentally, this makes my husband a great balance for me when I might otherwise do something truly stupid.

Oddly enough, my husband tends to see the more reserved me when we travel. Especially in India where I'm more reserved around him and family lest I make some huge social gaffe that could reflect upon him or make my in-laws question my good sense. Of which, I tend to have very little of at times. His family are relentless teasers, something which I don't wish to arm them with more fodder and something I really didn't have a lot of growing up. (My step-dad is a relentless teaser as well, so I am getting used to it.) What this amounts to is a less daring attitude when I am with my husband abroad. This actually can be a good thing such as the following conversation will allude:

Me: "Oh look! MONKEY!!!!!" (start fiddling in my purse so I can get either piece of fruit to feed it or my camera)
(Large monkey looks at me for a second from 10-12 feet away.)
Hubby: "Walk away NOW"
Me (whining and walking away): "But it's a MONKEY. I hardly ever see monkeys. And never this close." (wistfully look at monkey while still digging in purse.)
Hubby (trying to get me to hustle): "If monkeys make eye contact, they sometimes attack. Many carry rabies. You can't randomly go up to wild things - especially in India."
Me (pouting): "But I like monkeys..."
Hubby: "Yes, I know. Come on."
(Monkey ducks down alleyway with several of his friends.)

The point of this post? My cycle in September means I will be traveling to India alone. My husband will meet me there after 2 weeks, but before that I am on my own. Well, except for the part of family meeting me at the airport to drive me some portion of my trip. For some reason, hubby and family were freaking out about that and I acquiesced. They wanted someone to stay with me the entire time, but I told my husband "no". I love my Indian family, but it would be far more stressful for me to have one of them there at all times than to just be by myself. Being super hormonal and trying to impress in-laws is just too much pressure. I'd rather fumble around and deal with the frustration of being alone in a foreign land. I'm introverted anyway and that is my comfort zone.

Am I scared? No and Yes. My impulsive behavior tends to make me forget about being scared until I am in the moment, or until I deeply think about it: "ummmmm, maybe this wasn't such a great idea.Opps. Too late now." Especially about things like traveling, or jumping off bridges into who-knows-how-deep water, or walking my dogs at 2am because I figure we all need the exercise. More so what scares me is when other people have fears - then it can bleed into my veins. (That and interviews - those things terrify me!)

However, using a crutch over the last few years has made me more into a cowardly lion. Maybe part of it is having someone else speak the problems that I don't consider. Maybe part of it is knowing my impulsive behavior can get me into trouble. Maybe part of it is that I haven't done things alone in the last four years. Somehow I think it is all of this, and much more.

This time, I will be embarking on a real adventure in India. The idea of it makes me feel braver, something which I really need of late. I have great admiration for all of the bloggers who have gone this route alone, and without incessantly whining, they embrace a totally different culture with only a nod or a joke to frustrations they encounter. Hopefully, I will muster the courage and grace that I have seen radiate many before me.

As Dorothy once hinted at to The Cowardly Lion, "You were courageous all along. You just didn't know it." Let us hope so. 

PIO Card approved!

Wait till they get a load of me now!

Indian transformation 70% complete

Well I've done it. After worrying about the limitations of my 10 year visa while in India, I decided to go a different route and looked into obtaining OCI (Overseas Citizenship of India) or PIO (Person of Indian Origin) status. Oddly enough, I only qualify for the "Person of Indian Origin" status as the OCI does not make allowances for spouses.

The differences are not that much. PIO is only for 15 years while OCI is granted for a lifetime. The PIO also costs more ($365 vs $275) and overall has little less rights (such as I have to register if I plan on staying more than 180 days), but way more leeway than a normal visa. I can pretty much go and come as I please - that is the main reason I applied even with 6+ years left on my visa.  There is also talk of merging the two types and I'd rather pay more now than possibly lose out if they don't want to include spouses in the future. I could get lucky and shifted into lifetime status! (A girl can hope.) 

Gathering the paperwork and filling out the forms was pretty tedious. You need to make sure all your "t's" are crossed and "i's" are dotted. After gathering all of your paperwork, you need to make sure you have copies made of the right things (such as your drivers license or husband's documents), and that everything is in the right order. After quadruple checking everything, I was finally satisfied enough yesterday to hand it over to FedEx guy, even while giving him a slight Big Eye. I get edgy whenever my passport leaves my possession.

Hopefully by this time next month I will be able to tell people I am  officially a "Person of Indian Origin". As a blonde hair, blue eyed, fair-skinned girl, I can't wait to see the confusion among my friends here in the states. Even more so when I have to present it at travel points in India! I can hear it now, "wait... what?" Better bring along my visa just in case...

TSA killed my laptop

On my trip to India, we opted for the pat down instead of the scanner as we always do. Trying to have a baby, we do not need anything working against us. When doing an opt out, you are not allowed to carry your things to the pat down area - TSA agents will do that for you. At least that's the way it works in our airport.

Going through the security line, we noticed that one of the TSA agents was yelling at everyone for a variety of things. If you dared forget to take even a sliver of paper out of your pocket, you were yelled at in front of everyone. I received my pat down and started putting my things back together when I noticed my husband was one of those people. We travel very frequently and he carries non-metal things in his pocket all the time - never previously a problem. This time it was. As my husband does not take it well when people in positions of power are abusive, he argued with the TSA agent, but then eventually was allowed through. 

After he went through the metal detector, he was brought over to the pat down area. I was still gathering all my stuff, but was distracted as the TSA agent began to yell at other people. Had my attire back together and started putting all of my things they had brought over back in the bags. 

After my husband's pat-down, I noticed he was visibly distressed. Not surprising. In the airport there is a TSA stand where you can see agents sitting down, talking, doing paperwork. My husband gathered his items that the agents had brought over and headed to the TSA stand. 

At the stand, he stated he wanted to file a compliant, but the agent stated that she would take his complaint orally. Since we had an overseas flight to catch, we didn't want to investigate if that was enough or if we should insist on filing a form. After all, they could always throw it away if it was what they were trying to avoid.

It was in right before we landed in Paris (our layover) that we realized his laptop was never returned to him. As the plane landed, we rushed to talk to the stewardess, but there was nothing she could do; they don't even have TSA overseas. Then it hit me as we got off the plane: my laptop had not been returned to me either. One is a mistake - two laptops not returned is something else all together. 

In a flurry of long distance cell phone calls, we were able to contact my brother and his wife to get the process started of trying to get our laptops back. They found out the number to our airport TSA and the general number. Even though it was still the middle of the night in our original airport, I left a message for the manager of TSA customer service for that airport. (Big surprise - he never called back.) 

Fortunately my brother was able to retrieve the laptops the next day; he was really on top of it. While he was picking them up, he heard the lady in lost and found drop a laptop. He asked if it was one of ours, but she insisted it was not and opened up another laptop stating it was that one. My brother was all prepared to give his ID and the passwords to the computers, but no need, the employee said he had "an honest face" and let him take both laptops without any proof what-so-ever.

When he got home he booted the laptops up to make sure they were the right ones. They were, but unfortunately mine would not boot. Rather than having him send the laptops to India like we originally planned, we decided not to risk more damage and vowed to take care of it on our return.

Well I've returned and it's not good. My 6 month old laptop is fried. For the first time in my life I took my computer to a repair shop (I'm an IT person), because it was clear that it needed tools that the average IT person does not have for data recovery. After days of trying different methods, the data recovery shop had to inform me that none of the data was recoverable and it was the worst case of damage by dropping that they had ever seen - and they see a lot. 

Normally I back up my hard drives, but with all of our recent unexpected travel (we've had a lot) and medical things, I just didn't get it around to it. I am sick to my stomach over what is lost forever. Not to mention the weeks and weeks worth of work on it. My computer has been shipped off to HP in hopes that in the very least it will still be covered it under warranty and that I will not have to "drop" another $600-$800 on a new one. 

Now the computer shop tells me that not only do they get A LOT of PCs that TSA has dropped, but that it is very common for TSA not to return things to people who are flying. Apparently if it goes unnoticed, all items are auctioned after 30 days. How many guesses do you want on who goes to those auctions... 

WILL UPDATE MORE AS MY CLAIM AND COMPLAINT PROCESS PROCEEDS. It is not a fast process from what I understand. Their website claims 3 weeks to even acknowledge your compliant and 6 weeks to resolve. 

Off to a bad start

Today we fly to India. This is what has happened so far (posting from phone):

-They inform us at the airport that they can't print our boarding tickets for the Paris-Mumbai leg of our flight. They don't know WHY, they just can't and they are SURE it's not because they may not have our seats available.
-On that note, they are fairly certain we WON'T be able to sit together. We sometimes have a problem with this domestically becz my hubby is not a citizen, but we have never run into it internationally. Oh yea, and I have problems flying and have to keep my feet elevated. I'm sure whomever is sitting next to me won't mind my feet in their lap.
-The TSA guy is yelling at everyone, including my husband. This never bodes well as he does not cow tow to TSA ever.
-We opt out if scanner (as always) and go through the biggest pat down I have ever received. I've recently been opting out becz of our fertility issues.
-The girl behind us (between 8-10) decides to kick and bump our chairs the entire flight. I say something politely to her mom and to her several times, but it does no good. The last hour I turn around and almost in tears (have not slept) and tell the mom/guardian to please make sure it stops as it has been going on all flight. She looks at the little girl, says "ok" like it's a big hassle and rolls her eyes.
-We land and my husband realizes that TSA did not return his laptop.
-We go through Paris security and I realize they did not return mine.
-Air France gets us seats together.
-TSA or ATL airport can't be reached since it is middle of night in USA and TSA is ONLY for USA.
-I realize that I may have been using regular cell phone instead if google phone. Expect big charges.
-I call brother who works at airport. Don't realize that he has to get up in 5 hours to go to work. Feel like an idiot. They are looking into it for us.
-No sleep. Extra emotional from BCPs, but I've somehow managed to hold it together so far. I predict I'll cry before this (new) day is over.

5 minutes later:
And I just walked in to the men's restroom...

What to pack...

Everyone is asking if I am packed for my trip to India, so I guess I should go start.

I hate packing for big trips. You don't want to over pack, but you certainly don't want to under-pack. Way over-packed for my last trip, thus I will probably under-pack for this one...

Blerg.

Better get to it. Any advice? I've been to India before, but my brain always stalls when packing.

UPDATE on 06/04/12: 

I'm updating this list in case anyone in the future needs something to check against.

I think I'm good on clothes. I've packed a few short-sleeve salwar-kameez, couple of light-weight saris (seeing family in Mumbai first), some jeans, various shirts, and the rest long skirts. Also packed the standard toiletries and makeup bag. Oh yea, and undergarments - of course.

Still deciding on which shoes... I've been on a hunt [obsession] for good travel shoes for awhile.

Here is hubby's non-apparel list to me:

Documentation

Books to read - paper and electronic

Breakfast bars

Toilet paper (the Indian ones may be too rough for you) (I love that he knows this!)

Wet wipes

Hand sanitizers (if we are out)

Shampoo

Conditioner

Soap (for bathing and cleaning our clothes; we can use the same soap)

Tylenol

Advil

Band aid

Here is the additional things I came up with:

birth control pills

compression socks

PC

easy snacks to eat when taking BCPs

ampoules for feet

anti-bacterial wipes

small flashlight

hat

earplugs

umbrella

Gatorade/hydration power packets (thanks SKhan!!!) 

extension cord?

dry fruits/nuts

microwave popcorn

notebook (to record journey AND to keep copy of receipts/expenses) 

dvds

Visine

camera

money - dollars and Rupees

hair brush (it weird how often I forget this) 

Playing catch up and one week to go!

Historical clock in downtown Prague

Sorry for my absence. I've actually been keeping up with most things going on (thank you Flipboard on iPhone), but my data is limited on my iPhone for international travel. So much going on in the IVF-surro-blogosphere!  Very exciting stuff! I've been reading every few days, but posting comments and writing posts from my phone was not as easy as one expects. Next time I will have it down better.

Husband had an additional surprise for me earlier this month and took me on a world-wind trip. Apparently he had been planning this one for a long time as well. He told me that this is it for our vacation plans for a long time now. He originally planned and paid for this before we knew the costs of IVF/Surrogacy and before I lost my job. Oh and before we got a big fat unexpected tax bill yesterday. But never mind all that - we had a wonderful time in Venice and Prague. I really have the best husband imaginable. I'm fairly certain I took close to 800 pictures. Both cities are beautiful and incredibly romantic.

Now I have a week to get ready for our IVF treatment in India. I'm nervous to say in the least. I had to start talking BCPs again (need to be in sync for treatment start and surrogate) and that has been a bit of a pain. Often I am sensitive to medications and I am remembering why I stopped taking oral contraception many, many years ago. (Had nothing to do with wanting to get pregnant!)

The last 4 or 5 days I have felt bloated and nauseated. I ache easily and I'm testier than normal. If this is what a little BCP does to me, than what can I expect from the IVF medications? Since I actually had to start my birth control a week late and will have to continue the active pills for an additional week, I can only imagine the battle my body is going through. Bleck.

India. One week. I'm nervous like I have never been before. I've been to India before and never felt as nervous as I do now. So many things racing through my brain. More later.