A Carrier's Perspective (possible tissue alert)

This is a hard one for me to write. Because even with my veil of anonymity, it reveals something so personal and secretive, that few people in my life actually know about it. Many of my closest friends do not know about it and it was even hard to admit to my husband, but I realized recently how very relevant it is to my journey. And how much it will make me cry to write about it. 

Some recent stories I arrived at via Stirrup Queens showed me the importance of sharing my story. I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes, for I don't plan on check editing like I normally do for long posts. Feel free to comment, but if you ever meet me in person let's agree not to bring it  up - ok? Alright, here it goes:

When I was barely 16, I gave up a child for adoption. 

There. I said it. Or at least wrote it. 

Surrogacy is not an easy option for me. Wait, I need to rephrase that because surrogacy and infertility are not easy options for ANYONE on any side of the fence, as blog after blog can attest. Let me try again... Like many cases in infertility land, our path to use surrogacy was an extremely difficult one.

For you see, I know the pain of carrying a child in your womb for 9 months and then giving it to someone else. I can pretend that my pain was "more" because the child was genetically linked, but I really have no way of knowing that. The best I can hope for is that the verbal evidence I am given from those "in the know" is what my surrogate will experience: that it's not easy, especially that day in the delivery room, but that the surrogate knows from the beginning that the child is not hers. Knowing that her GIFT will enable her to help her own children - something HUGE that I think most articles on the subject seem to miss, but mothers pick up on right away - helps to ease the worry. At least a little. 

My main nurse in Anand is twice a surrogate. She is always happy with a smile and her recent deliveries occurred when she was about 39 and 41, the last one being only a year earlier. She has worked at the clinic for approximately 9 years. She's not the only nurse that is a former surrogate and I dare say that they would certainly have inside information on what the women go through before making those decisinos for themselves. 

The life and emotional well-being of my nurse is a strong contrast of how my life was a year after giving up my child for adoption. Maybe emotionally she's an exception, but I don't think so. Speaking and reviewing empirical information on former surrogates lets me see how their lives are changed for the better, but I still don't fool myself into believing that the initial period after births are easy-breezy for them.¹

When I was pregnant and 15, I listened to people tell me that, "if I loved my baby, I would give it up for adoption." No one told me how the pain would rip me apart. The pain didn't even fully settle till months after, when it was far too late by legal standards to do anything about it, (even though I did try). Having been ostracized by any "good girls", combined with an already deep ability have depression (even before my pregnancy), it's no surprise that I continued making bad choices for awhile. I have no doubt that post-partum equally contributed it's ugly head during those times. 

And then I stopped making bad choices, (at least for awhile). At 19 I was engaged to a man 5 years my senior and became pregnant. While I certainly had not (I promise) PLANNED on being pregnant, after I got over the initial shock, there was a sense that a huge hole in me was in some way going to be repaired. I had to clean up my act for my baby. My marriage lasted for a very brief period, as my husband did not share my epiphany, but my second son helped me heal. Tremendously. 

I won't pretend that I haven't had other ups and downs in my life, many of my own doing on both accounts, but to say that giving up my first-born for adoption didn't have a huge impact on my life would be a lie. My first-born is now old enough to have tried to seek me out and even though I put in the initial papers that he could, he never has. Something that both grieves me and relieves me. It's probably been over 20 years since I dared even open the box containing all of the documentation and correspondence I had during those difficult times, but I still have the box. And it's a big box. It has been a long time since I grieved on his birthday, but there were many, many years that I did. Now, most birthdays go by without even remembering. Not because I don't love him, quite the opposite, but I guess my mind finally kicked in it's defense mechanism that we humans are so famous for. 

Invariably when I see surrogacy articles, I get enraged when I see all the comments about "they are selfish and should just adopt!" Do people think the mothers of adopted children didn't equally grieve? Some maybe less, but many possibly more. (There are more reasons that these comments enrage me, but I will save those for another day.) Do people not know that the amount an Indian  surrogate makes, even though small by western standards, can effectively change her and her families life? The surrogate can start a store or buy a rickshaw for her family to earn more. Things that were never even remotely possible for her prior.

Surrogate mothers choose their paths for a variety of reasons, but as long as it is their choice and they are fully informed, we should not take away that right or even judge it. Not even if the woman is poor and does it simply for the money. A poor woman wanting a better future for her family should not be held to a lower standard than other women. Knowing a little bit about Indian culture, I know that these women don't do it for pure altruistic reasons as I sometimes see touted, but that doesn't make their GIFT any less. 

Surrogacy is hard for me, but the adoption option would be even harder. My baby may have been unplanned, but he was definitely not unwanted. Not any more than my second child. I can not imagine reliving my 15 and 16 year old life from the other side of the fence. Adoption is not even on the table for us for us for many reasons, including simple ones like wondering if we would even be allowed AND our desire to have a genetic child. It was not until my most recent trip to India that I even acknowledged to myself about how my teenage years affected some of my angst of our current journey. 

Does the 40 year old me regret giving up my child for adoption? Surprisingly - no. I don't think the 20-ish one did either. I knew that the 16 year old me could not give a life to a child that even a 20 year old me could give. Even the 20 year old me had difficulties, but I think my second son turned out pretty awesome,. My first son would have had less of a chance and there is a high likelihood that if I had kept him, my second son would not have been born. 

I don't doubt that most surrogates go through pain when giving a child they have carried for 9 months to the intended parents, but I don't believe that most would want to keep the child either. The financial burden compiled with the stigma would be something that we westerners could not even begin to understand. At 16, I may not have understood all the pain that would occur with my decision to give my baby up for adoption, but it was the right decision. For me, my future self, and both of my sons. 

¹  I can ONLY speak from my experiences with my clinic, there are tons of nefarious ones out there that I hope are regulated out of business soon.

Day 8: Yay! and try not to freak out.

Had another sonogram today, more shots, met the surrogate, and went over some preliminary paperwork.

Sonogram showed 13 follicles (yay!). 5 really good size, 6 average, and 2 small. Hopefully we will get some good eggs and then embryos out of these. Right now we plan on extracting on Thursday, but Dr. P said she will confirm after my sonogram tomorrow. 

Starting to get a little worried with the timing of my husband's arrival. I recall when we were planning this trip that I commented we didn't have much buffer room for mess-up (time wise), but I didn't think much more of it. Don't think I even thought of the timing for HIS arrival at all. Saturday I realized how short we were cutting it with his arrival. He gets here on Thursday - right now I'm tentatively scheduled for egg retrieval that day. That means he will not be there when I go under, something I am NOT happy about. Think "scared" is more the word I am feeling around for. In case of emergency, we do have 2 backup samples from last time, which is  good to know, but still don't like the idea of possibly having to use them if ANYTHING goes wrong with his travel. 

Try not to freak out, Try not to freak out. 

Last time we had to go a day earlier than expected. We expected 10 days of shots (not including the trigger) and ended up with only 9. If I go on Thursday, this will mean that I only had 8 days. I think the average person goes 9-12 days. I'm hormonal and irritable at my husband right now. Even more at myself for not looking at his schedule more closely and insisting on better buffers. 

Try not to freak out. Try not to freak out. 

Ok, got that out of my system for now.

On a different note: met the surrogate today. The surrogate is 28 years old, 121 lbs and 5'3 (I think she's 5'2 1/2). She has a brightness to her eyes and is ready with a smile. Sadly, she is going through a divorce and wishes to have enough money to get her own house and have some left over to go towards her son's education. 

When people talk about exploiting the poor, I really wonder if they think of things like this. Many months ago I looked up Gujarat house/flat prices and I remember being amazed how low they were. A surrogate in the USA could NEVER buy a house for what a woman could here in India. Sure, it may be a small house/flat compared to what we are used to, but so are most of the homes I have been to here. Even in very well to do homes. A woman could not earn the equivalent of 10+ years salary for surrogacy in the USA and they could not have left over funds to educate their children. When you see the lives here that have had such a positive impact due to Dr. Patel and surrogacy, it's easy to see why she does not let her critics affect her. 

Ok, got that out of my system for now.

Please let this take this time. I don't think we could come back again for another try with my eggs. Please please please. 

Hopefully this cow gave me her blessings. I gave her and a baby cow some of my leftover Malai Kofta and rice. Actually I gave it to the calf, but then she came and took it over. I'm ok with that. Maybe I'll get double blessings. 

Boss cow

Baby cow eating bushes after a few bites of delivery

Open letter to The Hindu (newspaper)

Thanks to Douglas over at Just One Out of Seven Billion for bringing an article by The Hindu, to my attention.  Below is an open letter to the editor based on a similarly emailed letter.

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Regarding your article here: http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article3640405.ece, I am surprised and saddened to see such a bias-based article written by The Hindu. There are several misrepresentations that I will list for your consideration.


1.) Thanks to the emergence of surrogate motherhood as a multimillion-dollar industry in the country, the clinic is doing a roaring business. What is the success formula? An unending supply of poor and illiterate women and the absence of laws have made the trade the fastest way to make money.

No source referenced here (a mainstay of good journalism) on how the author came to the conclusion that this specific clinic's success is based on [the uteri] of poor/illiterate women. No mention on how the clinic in question has put a lot into the community to educate the surrogates and their children. No mention of the trust fund set up to assist current and previous surrogates to further themselves and their family. A simple query into the community will show you that Dr. Patel is highly revered for all she has done to help the women in her care. Simple research into print editions of The Times of India (Ahmedabad edition) or Hindustan Times would have shown this as well. Had the author inquired into proof of how the surrogates have had their lives changed by this clinic, then Dr. Patel would have been able to provide this.


2.) Another inmate had four foetuses in her womb, two of which were aborted as the couple did not want so many children. There is no clarity on whether two foetuses were aborted for medical reasons. 

Using the emotional term "inmate" aside,  a woman carrying 4 foetuses to full term is in extreme danger, as are the foestuses. A rudimentary check with a few respectible obstetricians would have enlightened this fact. A woman's survival rate and the babies survival rate is seriously compromised and often considered not worth the risk. A doctor that WOULD allow this should draw much more concern as in cases where it is allowed, it would appear that the woman's health is not the priority.


3.) A commissioning couple can get a surrogate for half the price in India compared to the cost in the U.S. or the U.K., where surrogacy is not allowed or permitted only in special cases. European countries do not allow surrogacy at all. 

While I could lament on the economic differences between these countries and how comaparing them is extremely misleading, I will simply point out the cost of the average 1000 sqft flat in Vastrapura (located in the state of the clinic mentioned in this article) to allude my point: the [current] equivelent of 12-16K US dollars. To find the same home in the US at 3x the price would not only be almost impossible, but would most definitly require additional large funds to be habitated. That aside, this statement by the journalist, Aarti Dhar, is also false: surrogacy is most certainly allowed throughout the US. A few states may have particular laws disallowing it, but all one has to do is find a surrogate in a different state if there is any concern.

The statement on Europe is equally false as there is more than one European country that allows surrogacy, though like India, some do not have specific regulations in place. Even for the majority that do disallow it, the US has long been a place (much longer than India) for Europeans interested in surrogacy. Legal problems that were encountered in the US initially, such as the 1986 Baby M case, have been resolved by using gestational surrogacy only versus the traditional surrogacy.


The core principles of journalism dictate truthfulness, accuracy, objectivity, impartiality, fairness and public accountability. Since this article is not listed under the Opinion section and instead falls under the National section, it fails on all accounts. We can not address how women are being exploited in these circumstances, and I believe there is a high liklihood that they are in many places, if our newspapers do not give the information accurately and without bias. More importantly, we can not attempt to fix it. Very disappointing that The Hindu, with such a illustrious history and excellent reputation, failed on such a basic level.

this does not install confidence...

UPDATE ON STORY on 06/03/2012. See at bottom. 

My husband casually mentioned to me as he stepped out of the shower this morning, some news from his sister.  Apparently there was a some sort of mix-up at our clinic. At least I think it was our clinic...Not exactly sure. That's how these things sometimes go.

What was this oh-by-the-way casual mix-up? Apparently a couple went to India and the first try for a baby was unsuccessful. They went back a few months later and the second try was successful. They also found out the the first try was "whoops", successful after all. So they will be having 2 kids a couple of months apart, so sorry about the mess-up on the first. WAIT WHAT???

 "Was it IVF or surrogacy? Wait I don't think that's even possible with IVF. Couldn't even imagine what the meds might due to a growing fetus. How could they miss a pregnancy in the first one? Don't they do blood tests AND scans?" blahhhhhh blahhhhh blahhhhhh, my mouth continues on a rampage of questions/statements that I have no control over stopping. I could tell by my husbands expression that he just realized that his "interesting story" was horrifying to me. And not because of 2 babies (which is probably what he thought was pretty cool about it.)  I have to keep myself calm knowing that the story is being relayed through several people and I will be able to ask our doctor about it face-to-face in 10 days. I wouldn't be shocked if it wasn't our clinic. And by that I mean "I really hope it isn't our freaking clinic or I may loose it."

Sigh. In my determination to hunt down the facts (he told me his sister read it in a news story in India) I reach out to my ever faithful Google. Except apparently Google is a whore today because she is MIA on this news story. She does, however, give me snippets of more bad news: a surrogate mother dies in her 8 month. I am thankful that it was not my clinic, but it still saddens me greatly. Yes I know that women die in childbirth, and one of the big reasons I chose the place I chose was due to my concerns for the surrogate mother, but this is still upsetting. Her poor kids and family.

I am further upset because I read related articles and the follow up comment section (always a big mistake). It appears that this news story has inspired many to write about how surrogacy exploits the poor women of India. Suspiciously missing is the [objective] reporting that talks about good clinics. Or even how these same women are exploited every day of their lives in grueling working conditions when not acting as a surrogate. How being a surrogate gives a possibility of changing this for them. Or how it's not exploiting when western women act as surrogates. On and on.

I furiously start typing all of this in a comment section where the only previous comments are negative to surrogacy (including the authors). I click on a link and realize I have just erased 30 minutes of pondering and typing as the link does not open in a new page, but instead uses the same. It's just as well. People don't want to think about the bigger picture. It's much easier to criticize than to research or even think about the bigger issues with poverty. Never mind they don't mention that regulation would help get rid of the bad clinics and help insure surrogates would be in the best care. Never-mind that... oh just never mind. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of ignorance.

Dr. Nayna Patel sets up a fund (required for IPs to pay into) that helps educate surrogates with trade and language skills. They are allowed to access this during and post surrogacy. She helps the women set up bank accounts in their own name and guides them in a multitude of ways. She is thought of as a hero in her community because of all she does for her surrogates and their children. She helps women have a chance out of poverty. What are all the critics doing??? Besides typing their ignorance time and time again? Usually pontificating with little information.

Ok, so this has officially turned from story to rant. Sigh. 6 more days until I leave for India. I better get off the computer and get some things done.

UPDATE: Spoke with the sister today and it turns out there was no mistake. A couple used 2 different surrogates and both got pregnant with twins. Shew. I didn't even bother to ask if it was our clinic as no mistake was made. 

Notifying siblings

At the beginning of April I sent the below letter to my siblings (and copied my mom, but I had already talked to her about it). Mom immediately responded and made me feel less nervous about the entire situation. Siblings were super supportive and that was a great relief. We had already let hubby's family know as they were checking out stuff for us in India. We are incredibly fortunate to both have such great support from both sides.

Anyhow, here is the letter in case any of you were like me, and were wondering "how the heck do I word this???" I've replaced names with <relationships> as I'm not sure if I want to lose my anonymity. :-)  Also, I wanted to wait to notify other family members until after our trip in June when we have a better picture of where we stand.

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Sigh, I think with most people that this would be more appropriate in a phone call, but for non-trivial things, I'm really awful with the phone. I sometimes have trouble with auditory processing, most notably on the phone, and the more serious the discussion the worse it becomes. I'm very self conscience about it and with the exception of a small handful of people who I regularly speak to on the phone, it's tremendously hard for me. So if you are wondering why this is in an email - that is it in a nutshell. Feel free to call me with any questions, I just don't know how to start the convo about this on the phone and I get panicky when I think about calling people it. (I'm much better with it once the ice is broken.) Hopefully you will forgive me for this lapse in etiquette. 

<Hubby> and I have always known that we wanted to have a child or two after our marriage. We knew from the start that this would be a challenge as many years ago I had a surgery to remove my uterine lining due to medical issues. I still produced eggs, but would not be able to carry a pregnancy. 

Last year we started our journey and looking into our options, when my doctor informed me that my uterine lining had begun to grow back (which explained why I was starting to have issues again.) This offered us new options and hope, only to be told that the lining was only back in some places, and with other damage the doctors still did not feel I could carry a pregnancy. When we questioned about new available procedures to possibly fix the problem, we were met with a new reality - the meaning of a woman's "biological clock." This doctors informed me that to try and temporary fix the problem would have a low success rate and the time that elapsed would mean that my "ovarian reserve" would have diminished. Essentially, we may miss our very narrow window of conceiving with my eggs. 

I won't go into the long explanation of "ovarian reserve", but suffice to say a woman's chances of having a baby starts a steep decline at age 35. By 43, most clinics will not even consider using your own eggs.  We have now gone through sufficient tests to know that my eggs aren't awful, but they aren't super awesome either. Still, the doctors think we have a decent chance, though we still have the issue of me not being able to carry a baby. 

Enter surrogacy. Again, we knew this would be the main option for us when we first started dating. What we did not know was how expensive it was going to be. Using IVF with my own eggs - surrogacy easy enters into the 6 figures. More if we have to use donor eggs. There is no guarantee of a baby and many couples have to go through several IVF cycles at 15-20K a pop. Add on all the other costs, and it is crazy overwhelming. 

Enter India. When researching surrogacy, which is horrifically expensive in the US, the idea of India came to me. I had looked at international options for medical tourism many years ago, and wondered if IVF and surrogacy was an option. Turns out it is a big option in India; the price is 1/3-1/2 (even with airfare, travel, time off from work).

The main thing that concerned me with this option was the possibility of exploitation. After endless hours of research, I am happy to report that I have a 100% confidence in my findings. In the US, a surrogate mother is paid 15-30K (more for twins). In India, while it is much less (6-12K), the money is LIFE CHANGING to the surrogate mother. It's is often more money that the woman (or her husband)  makes in 10 years time. With the money many women buy a house (around 2500), educate their children, or help their family start a business. I do not feel we could make such an incredible difference in another woman's life here in the US. 

That said, we wanted to be careful that the money would actually help the woman. Again, after many, many weeks of research, I have found several places that have international reputations. As one surrogate put it "carrying another woman's child and making 10 years salary is not exploiting, working 15 hour days, 6 days a week, crushing glass is." With <hubby> having family in India (often close to the places we were considering), we had the extra benefit of them being able to check everything out from over there. We are pleased that we have decided on a location that is known for tremendously helping the women. They not only insure that this is the decision of the surrogate, but also provide housing, health care, nutrition, 24 hour care, help towards the surrogate's children, education, and a trust fund to continue education to the surrogate even after giving birth. At present the clinic, besides being internationally known medically for IVF, has a waiting list of woman wanting to be surrogates for them. 

We have recently completed all of our tests here that need to be done to determine the best course. The doctors think we have a reasonable shot with my eggs, so we are going to try that. Hopefully we will have success. If we have to use donor eggs, that becomes much more complicated as to get USA citizenship (for the India option), the eggs have to be mine OR we have to wait for <hubby> to become a citizen. Thus we are trying with my eggs first. In June, we will be traveling to India for 3 weeks to try for our first IVF cycle. That cycle will really give us the best picture if my eggs are truly viable, or if we have to start at other options.

Obviously very few people know about this right now. I wanted to let immediate family know before trying to figure out how to tell others. I guess I'll work on figuring that out next. 

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THE END.