Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Failed again

The Beta hcg levels went down to 15: chemical pregnancy, ie. failed cycle.

I knew before I even read the email. I knew when my phone went off at 2:55am to let me know that my BFF's baby made its debut. I knew yesterday when I made my limbo post yesterday, I just didn't want to believe it.

This is the part where I feel like a failure.

My husband and I hugged each other for a long time this morning, but then barely spoke after he got out of bed. As hard as this is for me, I think it's harder for him. I have a son - he does not. He has wanted children from the very beginning and I had to disclose the problems we would encounter (my cryoablation) when we had only been dating 3 weeks. His only question then was if I still produced eggs...

He can't console me and I'm not sure how to console him. A selfish part inside wants me to yell out "you can still have a biological kid - it's ME that's the problem". I wonder if his family, or even he, thinks that marrying me was a bad idea. An illogical part of me whispers that he will leave. What do I bring to the table?

I feel broken.

I can't even do the basic function of a woman.

I haven't cried and just walk around pretending everything is fine. My mom says she is devastated and wondered if this is just what clinics do to get more money out of you. I have to be the strong one and explain the plain fact that clinics in India get more money on successes than failures. Not to mention attract more clients.

Last week I signed up for a seminar tonight at my clinic here in Atlanta. It's a seminar to discuss infertility options, get a free AMH blood test, and get free one-on-one with one off the doctors. I'm curious about my AMH since the one test in India came back so low, thus I will go. Talking with a doctor will help too. I'll probably avoid sitting next to the peppy people. Shouldn't be hard. I've noticed that everyone avoids people with recent failed cycles. I guess it's like the pregnant girl in high school - they don't want to "catch" it. 

28 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry. I know how devastating it is. And it's so painful when you know you might not be able to give your husband a child. But I'm sure he won't leave you because of that.

    I wish I had some words of consolation but I don't. While grieving, I keep telling myself there will be a way to the other side, someway, somehow. Hang in there sweetie.

    PS~ Thanks for the offer to talk. I appreciate it. That was VERY sweet. xo

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    1. Thanks. Even though we have different (but same) situations, I know you know. In fact, I really don't know how you have been so strong for so long. I have great admiration for you.

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  2. I'm so so very sorry, cried reading your post, it selfishly bought back all previous loss. There's no words except please look after yourself whilst this is your life issue to face, it is NOT your fault!!!!!!
    Life is one big game of lucky dip.
    My heart is breaking for you, we truly do know some of the feelings you're experiencing.
    Stay strong, you're already a mummy, you're just waiting to find the perfectly matched child.
    Love in abundance x x x

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  3. I am so very sorry - I am the poster with the chemical pregnancy. I haven't had a chance to ready your entire profile so I don't know exactly what you've attempted. Please know your husband loves you and will be there for you - 5 cycles later my husband is my biggest supporter. Would you consider a DE cycle ? I too have a low Amh + poor response so no clinic will cycle me without DE at this point . I was told with 3 failed cycles and a low Amh I am not a candidate for IVF - Cornell , nyu, RMA and CCRM gave me a less than 10% chance of pregnancy ( was told dr G was warm). While I am still not pregnant - about to do a FET cycle with a DE . I somehow feel better knowing we've moved past my eggs and hopefully will have a healthy baby.

    It's too early but in time you and your Husband will find an answer - it took us a bit of time both emotionally and financially to move towards DE. It ls also helpful to share your feeling with him -

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    1. The short is this: I have to have a surrogate because of a previous surgery. Here in the states, it runs between 80-120K on average, though I do know of a couple that paid 150K when it was all said and done. DE adds another 20-30K.
      If we do it in India everything is much more affordable, but DE becomes complicated for us because my husband is an Indian citizen and not a US citizen. The baby would not be US citizen and then we would have to go through the nightmare of adoption process from me to get him there. Essentially, we could run the risk of a US visa expiring for our baby. Plus a thousand other things. My husband will have to look into citizenship (could take a short or long time), but hasn't in the past because it can limit his ability to travel internationally during the process. Another problem since a.) his parents are in their 70's and b.) having to travel there to make a baby.

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    2. I used the donor source for my DE - this was our 2nd DE cycle and we did not have 9months to a year to wait for CCRM or RMA to match us.
      But my first choice DE was from South Africa but not interested in traveling to the us but I learned from the agency that many South African girls go to India for DE cycles. While costly with travel to a DE to India it might solve your problem with the legal part . ( of course just a guess!)

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    3. I hope you don't mind one more suggestion-
      You could try DE frozen eggs - much less costly. I believe CCRM and RMA are both trying a program with northwest cryo bank - I know RMA has had good success with the frozen eggs and your guarantee is 2 blast . ( a year or so CCRM - DR G said they would consider them on an as needed basis only from northwest and one day might consider a frozen bank in the future) . So basically for about 15k you could send 2 blast to India for A GC . Not sure how the legal part would work in India but here in the Us - they are legally my embryos.

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    4. @Anonymous - it does not matter where the donor is from when your are doing DE and surrogacy in India. It only matters what the IP's status is. When a DE is used, a DNA test must be performed and match the IP that is a US citizen for the baby to become a citizen.

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    5. @MGB - see my response above to Anon. Same thing would apply. The USA embassy can also do a DNA test on non-DE parents to verify that the IP is a citizen and is related.

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    6. Wow - so basically your saying to get the visa for the infant to come to the Us the DNA much match one parent that is a Us citizen ?

      This seems very difficult - but there must be a loop whole bc same sex couples use GC's and DE In India right but I am now thinking many are UK based. ( by the blogs I've read )

      Best wishes and I am sorry my suggestions weren't helpful

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    7. Male same sex couples can use GC and DE without problems if the IP whose sperm was used is a US citizen. My husband is not (he is a citizen of India). Female same sex couples that use a DE and GC would have the same problem as us. As long as 1 of the IP is biologically related AND that person is a US citizen, then there is no problem.

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  4. Sending you love and keeping you in the light. Our first cycle likewise ended with a chemical pregnancy. But, we got up, dusted ourselves off and tried again.
    Success is attainable...heartache is the thing that gets in the way of persistence.... that is the barrier! HANG IN THERE, grieve, and find a path to your next steps in completing your family.

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    1. Thanks. I just feel like our options are so limited at the moment. DE is currently one (see above) and my eggs are getting older by the minute.

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  5. Your post moved me to tears. I wish I had the words to console you... not sure I do, but please don't think less of yourself or start to question your relationship. Thinking of you and wishing you much peace on your journey.

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  6. I am so sorry to hear this. All the doubts and sadness you are feeling is so painfull. Know you are not alone and that your husband loves you in spite of fertility issues. For a woman, each negative makes us feel like such a huge failure but there is a bigger picture - it just takes an awful lot of time and paitence to see it. Thinking of you xx

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  7. What a sad post, it brought tears into my eyes. I have felt just like you do. In the middle of his grief, my husband even said the things you think: he has no problems with making babies, it's me. It's hard but please, don't go there. He has chosen you, not your uterus. Hug a lot, it helps.
    Hugs of strength!!

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    1. Oh wow. That sounds like something my husband would say without even thinking about why NOT to say it.

      I know he chose me, but between not working and not making babies, I just feel so defeated. Hopefully it will pass soon.

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  8. I am sorry it didn't work. You tried your best. Wishing you some peace as you work towards the next step.

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  9. Don't get disheartened. We are going through similar treatment in India. The husband wife relationship is above all this and your relationship shall only emerge stronger. We have decided to focus on our efforts and move along the treatment options if things do not work. At the end of the day we can only focus on the controllable part and not get bogged down by the uncontrollable. Take care and am sure you will garner back your strength. Also thanks so much for sharing your journey.

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  10. Here is some tough love for you: you are being too hard on yourself!! You did everything you could to maximize a successful outcome.
    Sadly, in this world you either get pregnant or not. It sucks big time and you guys will get through it somehow! You are way stronger than this - all your blog posts are a testiment to how strong you are. Take the time you need to recoup, just don't beat yourself up!! We have had 10 tries in India and our daughter was try #8. For some of us this is far from easy. Don't let it beat you!

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    1. Thanks. We have limited tries, so I think that is what makes it so hard. I don't know HOW you emotionally handled 8 (or physically).
      I don't remember - did you do it with donor eggs or your own?

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  11. Im so sorry to read this post, you are strong and you are determined, you wont give up easily they are the three things that come ito my head when i think you, i wish you extra strength at this sad time and huge hugs xx

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    1. You're right, I had already prescheduled an appt at a new OB/GYN for today, so I will go talk with him and see if there is some other modern miracle option available that we hadn't previously considered (we were advised to go straight to IVF due to my age.)

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