Tomorrow is the Day: Random Thoughts the Day Before

Work has been wicked busy (and good), thus I haven't had a whole lot of time to perform my usual obsessiveness during this period. With the weekend here and time so close, it's starting to creep in. I flip between wanting to look at baby stuff and then quickly switching to something else.

Tomorrow night we are celebrating my son's birthday - 21. (Holy crap - when did that happen?!?) His actual birthday is not that day, but he already had plans on his birthday (free sporting event tickets with great seats!) and I had a choose a different night. It didn't occur to me that I was choosing the night that could be either a very sad or very happy one for us. I'd hate to steal his thunder or put a damper on such an eventful birthday. Though now that I think about it, he would be thrilled at the good news. When I mentioned my poor date choice to my husband he became slightly surly and thought I was already thinking negatively; I quickly assured him I was not. 

Add dinner to tomorrows schedule of things, and then I saw that friends need help sewing costumes with a recital they are having next week. I was supposed to be in it, but I bowed out of the recital once I realized that it would be too hard with to do with the IVF cycle. Still, I had to explain that I probably couldn't help with the sewing aspects tomorrow either. I hate that, but it is what it is. Almost no one in that group is aware of our infertility problem and I can't imagine getting the phone call in the middle of all of that. Not to mention I'm sure my husband wants us to be together for that moment. 

By far this has been our best cycle and some part of me wonders if we had had the opportunity to do it here earlier (instead of India), if the results wouldn't have turned out better for the other cycles. We will never know for sure, but I suspect it may have. The cyst probably killed my first cycle and we would have waited if we weren't already in India. After the second cycle we found out that BCP lowers chances in women my age, something that is hard to avoid when you have to fly across the world and time everything. Actually, had I known that prior, I probably would have just flown out earlier and not taken any. Maybe. I'm not sure if we could have been that flexible with my husband's schedule. Who really knows except that this last cycle, which should have been the worst, was my best. By far. 

Sad to think that this is our last cycle with my eggs. Not to be Debbie-downer (I am hopeful), but if it doesn't work then we are in limbo for awhile. We will go to egg donation, but who knows when we will be able to do that or the logistics of it. While I won't feel a disconnect from any future baby we have that isn't biologically tied to me, I will feel a disconnect from my husband and his family. I don't know exactly how to explain that statement and any attempt to try would probably muddle it up even more. 

Plus , I so genuinely want to see what a mix of our genes would produce. Like most couples, I think we will/would make beautiful babies that will/would go on to do great and wonderful things. I would miss seeing the flicker of mischievousness from my Grandfather,  the possibility of light blue eyes (that have never changed due to any marriage mix), and the beauty and intelligence that I could point out from so many that came before me. Children are wonderful no matter where they come from, but there is something longing in me that wants the physical reminder of my loved ones that have passed to carry on in our future child. 

Sad to think it's our last cycle and a relief. Cycling is harder than I imagined and you have to put so many restrictions on yourself. So grateful to be able to resume wine, regular caffeine  and long hot baths. To not take a daily dose of supplements that make me rage/cry/get acne/grow more facial hair/etc.. Grateful not to have to pump more hormones and all the fun things that go with that. To not have to worry about gaining more weight; wondering if I need to buy a new wardrobe or just put my body on hold for yet a few more months. This week I was finally able to make appointments to get a cavity filled (anesthesia) and see my dermatologist (where most things Rx'd are no-nos for IVFers).  

My eggs are literally all in one basket. It can go either way. We transferred many embryos, but not more than the embryologist felt comfortable with. On one hand that makes me excited because it gives us a higher chance, on the other hand it makes sad thinking that our chances are so low to begin with that it's ok.  

Deep breath. 

Off to take a bath and think happy thoughts. If happy thoughts don't come, there's always my fallback: Grey's Anatomy. That sh#t's addictive and engrossing. Have lots to keep me busy today, so I need to get off the computer and try and dive into that. Tomorrow is the day and hopefully we will have great news. 

On Feeling Alone

I know that there are TONS of folks that face infertility, but damn it, sometimes this path feels so lonely.

• The hormones.
• The feeling less of a woman.
• The weight gain and the realization none of your clothes fit. 
• The money. (You can't even think of buying new clothes).
• The daily meds or supplements.
• The feeling of failure.
• The limitations of what you can eat/drink/do to make sure you have "the best chances".
• The no baby. 
• The doctor visits
• The pretending everything is fine.
• The pretending like you really want to hear and be invited to every baby event.
• People asking "so when are you guys going to have kids?"
• The CONSTANT reminder that you are old (or at least your eggs are). 
• The roller coaster that just won't seem to stop no matter how long you've been on the ride. 
• The worry that wanting to use your own eggs raises the chance of health issues in your child. 
• The worry that I'm becoming obsessive or annoying.
• Worrying about my in-laws
• The invasive procedures
• The worrying over every little unknown pain will cause a problem
• The money (yes, this is big enough to write twice).
• etc...

My BFF is a guy and I don't think he can completely relate. Actually, I take that back. His situation is worse.
Me: "This sucks. I can't carry a baby. My eggs are getting old. And we pay a fortune just to be on this stupid roller coaster ride."
BFF: "I think my MS, being single, no chance of kids, and the eventually that my walker requirement will turn into a wheelchair requirement triumphs. My insurance alone is over $900 a month and I can't work."
Me: "touche. Let's go grab lunch. It's on me."

My second BFF just had a baby, so it's not like I want to rain on her parade or have her feel like she's walking on eggshells. She's so totally awesome and her baby is as cute as cute can be.

My husband, though tremendously patient with me, doesn't alway understand how this physically and emotionally this affects me. And as many of you know, it's a doozy  Nor do I, having been a parent before and not from a culture who puts the highest importance on having children, understand all of his internal turmoil. On dealing with the emotional side of IF, we probably both stuff it down in order to appear brave for the other.

If I tried to discuss things with my mother, then she would be incredibly sad worrying about me. That would only add to my stress. No thanks.

In blog land I sometimes worry that I am offending others. In my posts and sometimes my comments; both farthest from what I am actually trying to do. Just trying to convey my thoughts at a particular moment in time. Or trying to avoid feeling sad. Or trying to be helpful. Or funny.

In work and with friends, I'm limited to what I can say. Sometimes because I'm trying to protect myself (lest I am fired for going through IF like I alluded to here) and sometimes I just don't want everyone knowing my business. Nor do I have the desire to be the discussion of gossip as can happen when you have a large group of friends. Nor do I want to be the person that constantly complains and whines as that drives me crazy. Little bits are fine, but when you run into that person who has had problems for soooooo long, it becomes exhausting to talk to them. I certainly don't want to be "that" person.

Yet life goes on. Everyone is busy discussing their kids, sharing fun photos, and doing fun family projects. I'm sure it's a grass-is-greener type thing (after all, we've had some AMAZING travel adventures over the last 4 years), but if I see one more Luvs commercial on Hulu, I'm going to scream.

Friday's hustle

As noted in my post: Days are Flying By: Day 6, I ran into some hustlers the other day. Be forewarned, by the way I feel today, I am clearly hormonal from my shots. Happened to me last IVF cycle right around this time as well.

Friday I went in search of a store I heard about from the http://dr-patel-surrogacy.com/ forum (started from a former patient of Dr. Patel's). The store was called 7-eleven and it was the local baby store. I wanted to check to see if they had any Indian clothes for one of my BFF's that is expecting in October. She and her husband lived in India for a short duration many years ago and I knew she would love it.

A gentleman at the clinic gave me directions, but I got a little lost on the way. Not a super big deal because I was close enough to the clinic that I knew I could find my way back if needed. Plus I had a map on my phone of where I was going, and used it in tandem with the remarkably accurate iPhone map (that locates where you are.) No biggie.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a woman walking some distance away, carrying another women. Having recently watch the CARE video (netflix) on polio, I instantly assume she is carrying a relative that has been struck with that horrible disease; especially since it is not uncommon in India. I've seen it in many other parts of India, but I can't remember seeing it in Anand (with the possible exception of a girl I gave money to outside the clinic the other day).

The ladies and I were walking at opposite ends of a right angle, thus our paths were bound to cross. I knew she would ask for money, and I'm a sucker for that sort of thing (though less in major cities as it is sometimes connected to nefarious groups). As soon as our eyes met she headed for me and I acquiesced by giving her a small bit: more than my Indian friends would have approved of, but still a paltry amount by US standards. She asked for more, but I declined. Something about when a beggar asks for more usually sends a red flag up in my experience. The heat is getting to me and I sit down on some stairs for a minute. Sure enough, I watch as the woman, now a block away, sets the other woman down and they continue walking, smiling, and chatting. I shake my head and smile as you can only do when these things happen.

Another elderly woman approaches and I give her a small amount as well. She's old and is almost completely void of pigment. Something about her rings true and she thanks/blesses me as she walks away. I figure at this point I should move away from the area I am in. It's heavily populated and too many people have seen me give money away. There are no other non-Indians anywhere to be seen and I have just painted a big bulls-eye on myself. Start walking a different direction and less than 60 seconds passes when 2 girls start following me.

Here is when I start to bristle. These girl are not poor. This is quite obviously a game to them. They are dressed well in good saris and are giggling as much as they are begging. Clearly this is a game to see if I will pay them to leave me alone. They follow me creating a scene, begging, giggling, and occasionally pulling at my shirt as I walk. Let me pause here it say that the last part is especially stressful for me as I used to have anxiety attacks about stuff like that. Just crowds in general with people bumping into me. (I've come a long way baby.)

I repeatedly tell the girls "no" in english and in Hindi. My breath starts getting a little shallow, but I'm determined not to let it get to me.  Realize that even if I WANTED to pay them to leave me alone, that this will invite others to harass me, so I hold steadfast in my principles even though it is only a miniscule amount. A shopkeeper, half laughing, takes pity on me at a corner and tells the girls to leave me alone. After a few stern comments from him and my continue refusal to give in, they finally walk away laughing. I take a deep breath, shrug/smile at the shop keeper, thank him, and continue on my journey. As I resume looking for the 7-eleven, I notice that I had just begun to shake a little. My in-laws words "take no tension!" echo in my ear.

The shop is right around the corner, and I welcome the cool AC. They have some FREAKING AWESOME Indian baby clothes. In my heart I know I can't buy these on my own because I will be horrifically overcharged, so I tell them I will come back with my husband. I think he will be tickled when he sees the little outfits, but may have been irritated if I let them rob me. Anyway, I'm in no mood to bargain.

This is probably one of my biggest stresses of India. I do not mind helping people (beggars) who are genuinely poor and have very few options, but the scammers make this difficult. Part of your heart begins to harden because you begin to notice so many hustles. What is one to do? Many times I  think of trying to start a project that helps people in severe poverty, but right now the idea is overshadowed with self-doubts of how I would be able to do this effectively as a foreigner.

Had some further things tried on me today when trying to purchase some local fruit, but I'll save that for another post. That's probably what set me off today as I was trying to buy extra fruit to give away instead of money. In my mind I thought it was a win-win: help a vendor by purchasing and have something for people on hand that are genuinely hungry (and makes me less of a target.) Hormones and people trying to charge me too much, made this idea a bust.

These are the complications I don't have to worry about when I help animals.