Yo - What's the Haps?

It's a tale as old as blogs. I've been MIA. I've even started posts offline, only to never finish them. (Ok, technically it was only one - BUT I've thought of a bunch of others.) I've lurked. Not on purpose mind you, but the feeder app on my iPhone doesn't do a great job of posting comments and so neither do I of late.

Ya, ya, ya - so what's the haps? Current status: GREAT. All scary tests have come back normal. YAY!!!!!

We are at 21 weeks and 4 days and everything is lookin' good so far.

Surro is having major stress with other family stuff, but she is holding up like a champ. She's a GD saint and all I can say is that I wish a plague on the horrible person causing her pain - except that plague would hurt other people I love, so I guess I really don't. But maybe I do because that person always hurts other people and she's sure to hurt the people I love again. Shew. Life sure is complicated.

We manged to live through our announcements. First we told family and any close friends that weren't already in the know. Ok - that's a lot, but the response was generally good. Oddly enough I didn't really get much response from my Dad's side of the family that lives here in the US (Dad died when I was 3), but got great response from the ones in Sweden. All of hubbinez's family was super-duper-uber excited. So was my mom's side of the family - but most of them already knew.

Next we made the dreaded FB post. That actually went WAAAAYYYYYYYY better than expected.

At first I posted this video:

Mostly because I love Min Pins and this cracked me up as a baby announcement. Apparently no one viewed it or "got it" but that was ok because seconds later...

.... hubbinez was so excited about making the announcement (he had been telling people all week) that he made me do a joint word post, where we hit the POST button at exactly the same time. Because we are corny like that. It went something like this:

"On Mother's day it is fitting that we make our announcement that we are expecting twins. This would not have been possible if it wasn't for another wonderful mother, my SIL <insert name here> . Unable to carry our biological children myself, and after unsuccessful tries elsewhere, she selflessly offered to be our gestational carrier. Words can not express our gratitude over this incredible gift."

Hubbinez was as giddy as a school boy.

I haven't told my work yet, but that's because there has been a snafu with converting me from contractor status to employee status. Technically I am now an employee, but everything isn't final in all the systems, so it makes me nervous. I'm going to feel like an arse when I have to tell them about taking time off - which incidentally the due date is 1 day off from my boss' new wife. I'm sure he's going to freak, but because of my last disaster with getting fired when I told them about starting a family, I want to at least be protected by law this time.

In other haps - I am doing a sleep study next week. I've always had problems with not feeling like I get enough sleep (even when I do!), so no time like the present (ie., pre-twin birth) to try and figure this stuff out. We are off to a good start. Initial blood work from PCP showed that I have a big vitamin D deficiency.

That's a big one with sleep and immune problems, which makes sense since I've been sick so many times in the last year I lost count. With Vitamin D the doctor is looking for any number above a 29. Mine was 18. :-/  Apparently all that sun block wasn't so great for me. Except the whole wrinkle thing. I'm ok with the past trade off, but had to find another option for the future. Yay for supplements! 2000 IUIs a day! At least the past year has prepped me for that.

Srsly, I have to be the only girl whose doctor tells her to go get some sun WITHOUT sun block. Ok, maybe not, but it's not something I have ever heard before. And so I went out in the sun the other day without sunblock on anything except my face for the recommended 15 minutes. Then I slathered on the sunblock. The glare from my legs are still intact!

That's it for tonight. I need to post right away, sans editing, lest it fall by the wayside. Holy crap - it's 11:30pm. Gotta go take a bath and go to bed. Night all!

Third Party Coordination Goes Awry - Meds Edition

A few weeks ago I had to figure out where to order my and my surrogate's meds from. ACRM recommended 3 pharmacies and called the Rx in to all 3, allowing me to compare prices and such. One of these pharmacies, Village Fertility Pharmacy, actually had the forethought to test my insurance coverage even though I told them it wouldn't be covered. Thankfully I was wrong, so we went with them (a huge bulk of mine were covered!) I ordered both mine and my surrogates meds, shipping to our respective homes. Mine took 1-2 days. 

Since we paying ACRM extra money (~$3100) to do "third party coordination", I naturally thought that if I ordered the meds, that they would do more of the "coordination" and stuff. Honestly, they have not done a good job with this. Repeatedly I feel like I'm running around like a crazy person doing the bulk of the coordinating. With my ADD and new job, this is terrifically difficult for me. 

When my GC came in for her appointment on Monday, they gave her a written Rx for her meds and told her to fill it. No one thought "hey, we've already placed an order with the IP a few weeks ago, maybe we should check on that." The reason I found out? The nurse copied me on an email to the GC that said "You don't need to pick up the Lupron in your original order." All of a sudden I was like "Is this a double order???" The nurse emailed me at first and said that maybe the fertility pharmacy sent the Rx to Kroger. I asked my GC, and she said no - no one told her  about the previous med order and ACRM just gave her the Rx when she went for her baseline ultrasound. She was suppose to start meds that day and not one red flag was thrown up. A few back and forth emails, and it was apparent that no one on their end was really keeping tabs on this. 

Truthfully I should have checked that her med order went through smoothly weeks ago when I got mine. I had informed my nurse that I had received mine, but then got violently ill and forgot to double check if our GC got hers. I had no reason to believe she didn't and I guess with all the balls I am juggling, that was another one I dropped. I'm terrible at organizing these types of things, which is why I didn't mind paying the extra money to the clinic to do so. And I really don't consider $3100 a small fee to do this. As I am sure you have already guessed, our GC did not receive her meds from Village Fertility and it upsets me that I feel like I'm having to do the bulk of "third party coordinating" while paying them a chunk of extra cash. (Yes, I know some of this goes towards the medical aspect, but we were also told it goes towards things like this.)

All of this resulted in frantic phone calls, in the middle of a workday, with my very public cube, to multiple people. This is sucktastic for me to have to do at a new job. Village Fertility Pharmacy said they did not ship the GC order because they had left 2 messages to set-up a profile for the GC and she did not call back. My GC said she never received the messages and I 100% believe her. I asked Village why they didn't call me when they couldn't reach her, and they admitted they should have. (As a side note: I am very forgiving when people admit mistakes and then do whatever they need to do to correct it - Village did this.) Village apologize and after I altered the order (minus the no longer needed Lupron and minus the already procured Estrace), they were able to ship out overnight. 

In the long run, I think the mess-ups of everyone (me, the clinic, and the pharmacy) saved me money, but that still doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy. Especially mid-cycle. I'll write more later on my HUGE upset about a screw-up in charges. It's a freaking shame because we adore our doctor over there. 

In Today's Surrogate News...

image from: here

The long awaited surrogate news is here! 

Our surrogate and her husband are still gung-ho - YAY!!!! Ms L went for her hysteroscopy and HSG testing Thursday and Friday. We haven't heard the official news from the clinic yet, but she is under the impression that everything came back great. Double yay! I'll let myself have that little bit for now.

On the flip side, my surrogate and her husband, both whom are very close to us, are having trouble quitting smoking. If she doesn't quit soon, then it will be a no-go. Quitting smoking is super-tough and she feels awful that she hasn't been able to quit yet. Was there myself once-upon-a-time and it sucks.

We went ahead and asked them if they wanted to try Chantix (we'd pay for it) and made sure with our clinic that it would be ok for them to take. They both wanted to give it a shot and we were happy when our RE said it was ok. We were about to go meet them on Saturday when our water heater expansion tank sprang a leak. Fortunately showered just minutes before the leak was discovered... 

Anytime you find a large puddle of water on your floor you should probably be concerned, but honestly I was more concerned about meeting with Ms.+ Mr. L. We called a friend and my dad to ask some questions, turned a faucet valve that was connected, let hot water run out in the sink, placed a bucket under the leak, and left to go meet them. 

Meeting went great - picked up Chantix Rx and then grabbed dinner with both of them and their little one. Afterwards we had a get-together at a friend's house where it was pretty paramount that we show our face. It's a close friend (he introduced us!!!) and we think we weren't invited to his wedding a month ago because we have been soooooo MIA - we hadn't even met his now-wife until last night. They had been dating for a little over a year. When we returned home much later we found the leak still going strong. A little digging around outside and in the garage led to the discovery of another valve to turn off ALL water. The first one turned out to be just for hot water. 

I hope the Chantix works. It helped me quit smoking years ago, but I know some people report serious side effects and can't take the medication. Chantix is not covered under their insurance either, but Mr. L's doctor gave him a $75 coupon. Oddly enough, Ms L's only have her a $40 one. Weird huh? We were able to use the $75 one. 

Now we go full speed for the other things. On the schedule of phone calls tomorrow is lawyer (required by our clinic), blood work for all, and psych tests for all. Wait what was that last part??? Yea, our third party coordinator said that we would have to ALL have a psych eval. Having a psych eval doesn't bother me (it probably should!), but after 2 failed surro cycles in India I really don't understand why it is necessary. I sent an email to our third party coordinator asking about the necessity (ie. requirement), of this for my husband and I. If it isn't required then I really don't see the need to spend additional monies on it. We didn't have it in India and I don't feel like we need it now. (The surrogate did have one in India and I understand why it is required here.) 

And I'm not sure how we haven't really talked with the financial coordinator at our clinic thus far, but I guess we need to schedule that as well. Sigh. At least then we will know better what to expect. Our original information from the clinic did not include costs for surrogacy. That becomes an entire new list of line items. 

I don't know how I'm going to take off all this time from work. All day psych evals? Appointments at an attorney office? More medical stuff? I don't know how our surrogate is going to be able to take the time off either - though of course we will give her money for any missed work. She starts a new job next week and while we are both super-duper tight with her boss, I think it's still awkward to take time off when you first start at a company. Even if the boss is totally ok with it. 

Sigh. So that's the update. Prior, I steeled myself to expect the worst with her hysteroscopy/HSG tests and now I feel unexpectedly elated. Even after feeling all doom-and-gloom about the cigarette stuff for the last week and a half. I'm still going to be cautious about getting too excited with regards to that, but I've let myself be hopeful for the weekend.

Course not having water it beginning to suck. Guess I should put "plumber" on my list of phone calls for tomorrow. Wouldn't that be funny if that was the phone call I forgot to make tomorrow? (I refused to pay Sunday plumber rates.) My BFF called earlier and said we could take a shower at her house if necessary. Since she could smell me all the way from there... She's a keeper. :-) 

Weekly Update: A Job, Land of IF, Being a Proud Parent

So many things, so many things. I've forgotten half of them already. Let's just hit the highlights and see what else I can remember.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to Work I Go.
Had to go back to work. Money is just too tight right now. Me not working for 8 months has finally taken a toll on our finances and if we want to continue in this Land of IF, then we can't do without my paycheck.

My first week of job hunting was really me just talking to recruiters. I figured I had put enough off during my travels to India, that now was the time to dig deep. That's always an adventure, but by week 2 I had a job - fortunately my area of expertise has an extremely low unemployment rate. It's a contract to perm position in IT, doing what I have over a decades experience experience in. I will be making over 10% more than what I did at my last job and for a company that has a big name all over the world.

What about my dreams to do some sort of humanitarian thing in the non-profit industry? Selfishly, our dreams of a family rates higher on the scale, thus I had to give up on a career choice that would pay just over 1/3 -1/2 of my current salary. All is not completely lost as the project I am working on helps people from 9/11. At least I can believe in the project. Some of the companies that wanted me to interview were BLECH. (Have had enough of soul sucking from my last job thank you very much!)

Speaking of Land of IF...
1.) Just starting reading the book Navigating the Land of IF: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options by Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens fame. Only on chapter 3 (have had to study for work - <sad face>), but it is pretty awesome. Have my own mini-collection of IF books, but this is the one that most interests me right now. Probably because it's not all doom and gloom fact based. Melissa does an excellent job of making the reader far more relaxed over a very NON-RELAXING subject and everyone is included. It's a hard road and the recurring theme is that we are not alone. And that it's ok to be all emotional. I'll write a full review when I'm finished.


2.) Our friend and her husband who offered to do surrogacy for us are "both feet in". YAY!!! That's the first hurdle. We've consulted with our local clinic and there are a couple of things we have to address, almost all of which we expected. Then there is the insurance issue. We don't know yet if her insurance has a surrogacy clause. Trying to find that out without sending up red flags. They aren't known nationally to cover these things...One step forward, two steps back.

The item I had not thought about was that my doctor wants to retest my FSH. It was high last january (12.4) and with the decrease in my AMH, she wants to make sure that it hasn't shot up to the high teens. I know, I know, it's a Big If. Wish me luck. If it comes back too high, then we could be in holding pattern for years for the DE as I've previously mentioned here and in other places.

Proud Parent
Some of you might remember that I have a 20 year old son. What I don't think I have ever mentioned is that he is in seminary school. Which is perfectly natural since his father is Jewish, my husband is an ex-Hindu, and I have had a lifetime of "trying to figure it all out". (Try not to laugh.) Anyhow, my son has a religious podcast now and I am very happy to see him do something he enjoys so much! Of course as the proud mama I had to listen to it right away and I was tickled in doing so. He was great! Very few people in life get to have the career that they absolutely love and I think he will be one of the lucky few. We have the best discussions and I'm thrilled that not only am I his mother, but also his friend. He dives into projects where he can bring help to those who need it and I am so incredibly proud of him.

-------------------------------------------------
Well, that's all I can remember right now. Still recovering from the flu, which is interesting with starting a new job. I'm exhausted.

The Plague and Me (or is it "in Me"?)

Grouchy, achey, and sick - that's me. (If I've offended anyone about anything, I apologize. My mind has been fraught with sickness, worry, and anger.)

I've had the flu for 3 days now AND my OB/GYN appointment last Friday revealed free-flowing fluid on my ultrasound. Not good. My doctor is suppose to call me with the results (radiology/ultrasounds are done in a different place then his office), but so far he has not. 

Having had an indeterminate* PID type infection many years ago, I know what a problem having free-flowing fluid can be. Last time it included antibiotics for about 6-8 weeks,  trouble walking for weeks, tons of abdominal pain, and admittance to the hospital for almost a week. Not exactly prime for IVF treatment. I'm willing to bet that's what caused one of my fallopian tubes to be blocked. 

If I don't hear from my OB/GYN by tomorrow morning, I'm going to have to call and explain that I need to get on antibiotics STAT. I should have gotten an extra dose of antibiotics after my last IVF treatment. The first cycle I asked for it because of my past issues, but I forgot this last time. Just went with the normal 1 treatment after IVF. Did I mention I don't react well to some antibiotics? Particularly the ones that are usually Rx'd for this sort of thing. Sigh.

And this stupid flu. I have so much to do before I start work on Monday and I'm too exhausted to do any of it. Was suppose to get a cavity filled tomorrow (that I've put off for MONTHS because of IVF) and now that's not going to happen. I certainly won't be able to take care of it when I first start work. Double sigh. 

Found out today that if I had gone to the doctor within 48 hours of flu symptons then I could have gotten an anti-viral that reduced the symptoms and reduce the length of time I was sick. Thought there was nothing you could do for the flu. Now it's been more than 48 hours. Should have gotten the stupid flu shot, but was worried about it with IVF. 

At least I have my wonderful husband. Not only makes the best homemade soup ever, but laughs at my grumpy faces. 

*the doctors never found the cause of the infection though I was later told it probably resulted from a polyp removal I had a month earlier. STDs, the most common culprit, was ruled out. When I asked why my doctor gave a diagnosis of PID, I was told "because that is what we label any infection of the pelvic area regardless if we know the cause or not".

A job, a surrogate, and possibly the flu

http://liannetaimenlore.blogspot.com/2012/08/edbp-movie-review-lion-witch-and.html

“All shall be done, but it may be harder than you think.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Two weeks ago my husband and I decided that I needed to go back to work. Our funds are greatly depleted and the time had come. This made me more than a little nervous on several counts.

1. I'm rusty in my job field. Not only because I took off 7 months for IVF treatments, but also because my last position had me doing a different area in my expertise. While that's all great and fine, the problem becomes two-fold in that I could either continue in that subcategory (with only 2 years experience) or go back to my old subcategory with well over a decade experience. Going back to the old actually means I have 2 years worth of catch-up to do as you have to constantly stay updated. 
2. Interviewing terrifies me. I don't know why, very few positions have I ever interviewed for did I not get a job offer, but they still terrify me. Like make me want to vomit type of terrify. Like my voice shakes and my mind can go blank type of terrify. Now that I think about it, maybe I have such a good success rate at job offers because I usually go with the one of the first couple. That gets me out of other interviews. Add on #1, and I simply did not feel ready to interview. 
3. Wasn't sure how this would fall inline with our IVF treatments. What if our surrogate here doesn't work out? Then we are back to looking at India. Can't exactly take time off to go there for 3 weeks when I'm brand new at a company. We don't save any money by doing IVF in India, only surrogacy, but I don't have confidence that my embryos will make it to freeze. Need to look at things to increase our chances, not decrease.

As my grandfather used to famously say "Oh well, what the hell" and thus I dived into job search mode. Went on a interview last week, felt like puking (before and after!), thought I bombed part of it, and lo-and-behold, they loved me. Took an online technical test and scored high. Job was offered immediately (like within 5 minutes of me completing the test!)  So here I am getting ready to start my contract-to-perm position next Monday. Have a shit load of studying to do before then. 

In other news, we met with our friends (husband and wife) that are considering surrogacy for us. We have to meet with our clinic here in Atlanta to find out some more answers, but I felt really good talking with them. Made me realize that they had thought it through (at least with the information they had) and wanted to think it through some more after we laid all the heavy duty stuff on them. That's actually a really good sign to me. 

The next day my friend emailed me and said she went through the forms and wanted me to check with the doctor about a medical issue she had years ago. We have an appointment with my clinic on the 30th, so I will have my list of compiled questions then. Meanwhile, I also have a phone consultation this week with another clinic via Skype. 

The only big concern my friends really had was insurance. They've had problems with theirs in the past. If we have to buy insurance, pay for a ton of new medical tests for all 4 of us, plus attorney fees, then that may be too cost prohibitive. Won't really know until we speak with some clinics. Don't even know if they will still take me. 

And if this all seems a bit lacking in the segue arena - it's because I fairly certain I have the flu. Sigh. 

What a week... wait, it's only Tuesday

Photographer: Jill Greenburg
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/popup?id=2242810

Yesterday morning, I was reading my son's facebook status and out of nowhere I burst out crying. Not a small cry, but one of those full-on crys that makes you think "thank goodness I'm alone" when it's all over.

What was the status you ask? That's the problem. I couldn't read it.

I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). The correct term is actually ADHD (the DSM-IV combined the terms years ago) and now ADD is listed as a subtype. Why do I call it by the sub-type name? ADHD is a controversial topic, thus the last thing I want is for people to say to me "that's baloney - you aren't even hyper", which means I have already lost the argument before I even have begun to explain the difference.

It's an argument I've grown weary of. Fortunately I've known doctors and people that know the reality of how hard it can be to deal with this problem; it can be soul-crushing to be honest with you. In addition to dealing with the multitude of issues it causes, I'll often run into people that will make a snarky comment or worse, self-diagnose it. Do I think it's possible that it's over-diagnosed or over-medicated? Yes, but not nearly as much as you see in the media. For every lame brain, non-researched excuse of why it's not real I can give you solid facts of why it is. It's as maddening as someone telling you that infertility is "all in your head". My absolute favorite is when a doctor (who has never studied it) jumps on the fashionable bandwagon. Thank GOD those are few and far between. Anyone that goes through the torture of not being able to process a conversation IN THE MIDDLE OF a conversation, knows the personal hell that can be ADD.

In addition to using the technically incorrect term "ADD", I also avoid calling it "Adult ADD". I've had it since I was a kid, they just didn't even know what it was back then. Mostly I was called scatterbrained, day-dreamer, or my personal favorite "not reaching her potential". I had no idea what was wrong with me and often just thought I was somehow broken. As a child it was depressing to constantly think I was crazy, lazy, you-name-it, and as an adult it is exhausting. Especially on days/weeks that I am particularly bad. I haven't taken medicine for years as the side effects far outweighed the slight benefits that it gave me, and so I have learned coping mechanisms that effectively make help me make it as a normal, bright, individual. Most of the time (unless I'm in a reading block), I manage quite well. You will never see me use it as an excuse, except on the rare occasion I have a private meltdown in a rush of frustration and insecurity.

If you are a regular reader of my blogs, you will see that I occasionally veer off topic, like I seem to be doing right here and apparently right now. Sigh. That's part of the problem.

Back to my story. 

I couldn't read my son's status. There are times I can't read. I try and it's just jumbled up and my brain won't process what I have read. Even if I read it 5x. Even if I read it 10x. It really sucks. Conversations can be the same. At work I write everything down, record meetings, and make sure anything that is important gets sent to email and immediately put on my calendar.

Having taken time off from work (after getting fired in February when asking about infertility benefits), I've gotten behind and now need to majorly study to get back in the job market. My job is one that I have to constantly stay updated. Not being able to read anything more than 3 sentences long is a MAJOR PROBLEM. Thus the realization of this yesterday morning made me have a meltdown.

This happened just when I have resolved to NOT let the EEOC decision to not pursue my case get me down (they issued me a "right to sue" document if I ever want to deal with that nightmare.) Friday I received that lovely letter, but after I read the letter more closely, I realized that my old company denied that I ever told them about infertility. Point blank said I never came to them. Stated that they had no idea I was going through infertility and denied that they had asked me directly if I had had a miscarriage when I made a statement about stress of some bullying that was causing me medical issues. (Note: I actually have proof that my boss gave me her infertility doctor's information to contact, but again, I don't know if sueing will cause me more grief than it's worth.)

In the back of my head, I think I half wondered if something had happened with my ADD that I just didn't realize. The letter let me know that it really wasn't me. My company stated it was for performance reasons, yet had not ever said there was any problem with my performance. I've won awards for stellar performances at companies before. The very week I was  fired (4 days after our 2 guys returned from paternity leave no-less), our toughest client had given me huge praises - something they never did. It wasn't me. I could be furious at my company, but it at least I receive confirmation that it wasn't me.

But that didn't help yesterday morning. I still had my meltdown. Then I noticed my period had started. Well that figures (and explains the meltdowns better). The day saw me have 2 more meltdowns. The second one  with a doctors office when I was late for an appointment, got lost (ended up being a tornado warning weather), and they cancelled me. Afterwards I had to rush to the DOL and wait hours to reschedule a missed appointment from when I was in India. (They scheduled it for me a few days prior and sent an email when I was halfway across the world.)

The third meltdown came from explaining the whole day to my husband and then simultaneously thinking about how I could be passing off this ADD to our child. I guess I'm carrying a larger load than I wanted to admit to myself. We get our 2ww results either Saturday or Monday and everything hit like a ton of bricks at once.

Today was a better day. My period makes me CRAZY and unable to handle stress for usually around 24 hours. Today seem to pass the 24 hour mark and I went to my volunteer place and was unexpectedly asked to manage 25+ volunteers. That not only helped me feel better about myself, but gave me a warm and fuzzy about helping others. I was profusely thanked by the top people at the end of the day.

2ww. Yea, I thought I was totally beating you this time. Not so much.

On a brighter note: my boobies no longer hurt. 

Random ramblings: career change decisions PART 2

"A funny thing happened the other day...."


"Funny ha-ha or funny weird?"

"I dunno, just kinda funny I guess."

from:  http://www.edinaartfair.com/volunteer.html 

Yesterday I wrote a blog post about changing careers. It has been on my mind of late, and I constantly go back and forth over it. While trying to decide on the matter, I put out feelers to volunteer while I have some free time.

Right before the beginning of the summer, I originally thought of an org I know about that works with child survivors of war. We have a local group that has done some pretty terrific things. When I initially contacted them, I didn't hear back. I've volunteered for many non-profits before, so I realized that this was not entirely uncommon. I contacted them a few weeks later and was told that the volunteer efforts centered around tutoring and that efforts to recruit would start again in September for the new school year. Perfectly understandable.

Knowing I was flying off to India shortly, I decided to hold off on volunteering. In my mind, we would get "virtually" pregnant in July and I would resume working. I'm still surprised by some of my naivety. Especially since a big part of me KNEW that there was only a small chance of this happening

After our return from India, I happened upon some volunteer options while looking at local things to do for Fourth of July. Saw some things and filed it away in the back of my head. A week later we got the bad news about our negative pregnancy result, and I went back to the volunteer site. After reviewing all of the options, I promptly contacted a local org that helps low-income people affected by HIV/AIDS. Two weeks passed and I sent a follow-up email stating I had not heard back from anyone (again, not unusual).

The next morning I received a call. Basically asking,  "when can I start?" Not only did they need someone, but I was informed that a computer savvy volunteer that can work in the day time was a rare commodity. I came in that week, we talked, and the meeting was awesome. I gave out ideas of how to streamline processes and basically let it be known that I wanted to help in a variety of capacities.

Fast forward to today. Went back this morning for another meeting and was asked that if a lead job position came open later in the year, would there be a possibility of interest? I said yes.

There is absolutely no guarantee of anything being available or that I will even like it there - but it's a start. And I'm excited.

Random ramblings: career change decisions

From:  http://www.trabahophilippines.com/blog/important-tips-for-people-who-are-considering-a-career-change/ 

When my son was 3 (he is 20 now for those just joining us), I distinctly remember him climbing up to my then boyfriend's computer and quickly picking up the nuances of AOL to get to the areas he wanted to see. I said to myself, "Self, you need to get back on the computer train, if only to keep up with him." Fast forward 17 years and I've made a very lucrative career in the IT industry that ordinarily would have been difficult for a single mom with my background to achieve.

Computers were not alien to me at the time. In fact, my mother will gladly retell stories of me helping to get our school computer to work when I was in the 2nd grade. I was probably 9 or 10 when I stayed up long nights pounding away on my beloved Radio Shack TRS-80 CoCo. CLOAD indeed my friend (don't feel bad if you didn't get that reference, it was an old BASIC programming command). After diving back into my beloved computers, I realized quickly that a career in technology was the fast track to a decent paycheck with the least amount of effort. Something important when your plate is already full with raising a child on your own and working.

I love technology and as a career it has been very good to me (aside from the gender issues I have run into a few times.) Though it took me awhile to get my bachelors degree from a local college (due to the  aforementioned single-momhood), I was able to complete my IT degree and even get some graduate level courses under my belt (A's of course) in an integrated program that was available to me as an undergrad. Suffice to say, not only have I enjoyed IT, but I am pretty darn good at it.

However, as my son entered his teenage years, I realized that I no longer had a passion for it. I still loved technology, but I didn't feel the excitement I once had. Ideas of going back to school for another career started entering my brain. I knew that if I did a complete career change that I would more than likely need to take some more undergrad courses, so I planned to start my new path once my son graduated from high school. That would be the first time I could take the hit in time and downgrade my income.

Life has a funny way of changing your plans. A little over 4 years ago I decided to have a surgery that would help me with painful issues, but would also guarantee (or so I thought), that I would not have anymore children. I began to contemplate on entering the veterinary field vs the neuroscience field. Both of which, in all likelihood, would have me making less at graduation than I made currently. A few months later I met my future husband.

From the beginning we discussed the "having children" issue and I had to make a big internal decision: mainly to give up changing my career. It was my decision solely to make and I more than willingly made it, a testament to what a wonderful man my husband is. After our marriage we sold my house, bought a much bigger house in town (3x the price my house sold for), and my son started college. In our minds, we naively thought we would get a surrogate pregnant the first time and it would run us around 30K - 40k tops. I almost laugh now about those initial thoughts. Almost.

But having been off work for the last six months has reminded me how much I no longer enjoy my field. It's a niche field and quite frankly I should have been studying this entire "sabbatical". In my field, not only do you have to know a mountain of base level stuff, but you constantly have to stay updated. Blink and everything changes in the field of IT. Especially my area. The amount of time a techie reads to keep their skills updated would stagger many.

Part of me is tired of the gender issues, but more than anything else, I just hate spending so much time doing something that I don't love. No longer do I fantasize of becoming a vet or finding a cure for ADD, but now I am lost in the dreams of making a difference in the world. I want to work with people and do "something that matters", and not just by working in some dimly lit cubicle in some office where I don't fit in.

When I have volunteered in the past is when I was happiest, but I no longer want to "just volunteer". Besides, wanting to have a child means that I will have less time to do things like that. So how does one reconcile extreme looming bills, the probability (hopefully) of LESS time, and the desire to completely switch fields to one I have no experience in, but I believe would provide me more happiness in the end?

Yay for me! Stress and dealin'

2 posts ago, I wrote a little bit about an ordeal I went through with my old company. A few hours after posting that, I accidentally saw that I was going to be face-to-face with some of my old company at a professional event I was an organizer for. A scenario I hadn't even thought about. Seeing as I was on the organizing committee AND that I really, really respect all of the other people on the committee (almost all of whom are big-wigs in my professional community), I decided to suck it up and deal with it. I let one person know so she could have my back if I needed to walk away, but other than that I kept it to myself.

A funny thing happened...I worried about it a little bit, but then got so busy DOING stuff for the event that I didn't allow myself to dwell on it. When the first day arrived I saw the people that had caused me so many problems previously, but made busy work for a few seconds to get through and was able to jump back into my cheerful self, helping everyone else that came my way. The only person I had to talk to from my old company was someone I WANTED to talk to: a newer guy that is super-smart and super-nice. He is going to go far (and I told my boss that when I left!) The problem people saw me (as I saw them) and scurried away. (Yes I am purposely using that verb as it is apropos.)

And you know what - I was ok.

Photo from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

I turned to my "got my back" friend after the few problem people had passed (and no one else was around us at the moment) and declared, "I am really proud of myself." Her response "You should be. You were awesome." She wasn't even able to tell which people were the ones I had been worried about even though she stood next to me most of the time. Perfect. Something that a month ago would have had me shaking, was successfully and professionally handled by moi.

The things I have been doing to reduce and deal with stress are working; to bring it back full circle - that's essential for our future success of having a baby. Wishing all of you (and me!) continued success in this realm. Even little successes.