Amniocentesis and another 2WW.

From: http://www.webmd.com/baby/twin-pregnancy-types

Thursday we had our amniocentesis. What a nightmare. It was really important for us to have one, but holy crap that stuff is scary.

The doctor certainly didn't help. It was that same irritating douchey specialist from the other week.

I guess I should back up a bit since I've been MIA.

The cell-free DNA test ended up coming back inconclusive. That's right, the test that the doctor recommended and then we found out afterwards that the manufacturing company doesn't always recommend for multiples or donor eggs (and since this is surrogacy, my eggs are considered donor) - came back inconclusive. Shocking. They wanted my SIL (our surrogate) to come back in for another. She called me and gave me the update. The nurse was really pressuring my SIL to come back in for another try at this test that is only partially covered by insurance.

After thinking about it, I told my SIL not to get it. It didn't make sense. Why should she have to take extra time off from work for a test that was not going to tell us anything different than the amniocentesis that we had already decided we were doing. Why should we pay even MORE money for a test that didn't give us anything different? Why should we put her through an unnecessary poking that could very well end up being inaccurate or inconclusive. I told her to not worry about going back for the test.

And then she called back. The nurse was EXTREMELY insistent that she come back for this test. At this point I because very irritated (not at my SIL, but at this Dr.'s office.) It was clear that they wanted us to do this test to try and convince us against the amnio. I told my SIL not to stress about it and I would straighten everything out with the Dr.'s office.

Ready to rage war, I started making phone calls. First I called our old fertility clinic ACRM. Our nurse that took over our case when our original nurse was promoted was nothing short of awesome, and I wanted to ping her for her advice. Then I walked outside my office, took a deep breath, and called the specialist's office.

The nurse that spoke to my SIL was not available, but another person in the office was able to call me back fairly quick. That conversation did not go as expected. Actually - it went quite well. The nurse (I think she was a nurse - but we will call her one anyway) was awesome. She is similar in age to me and she confided that she would consider the amnio if she was in the same situation. She explained why the other test was inconclusive and agreed that if we were going with the amnio, then it was not necessary to get the cell-free DNA test - especially so close together. We talked for quite awhile and she restored my faith in this part of the process.

Hubby and I decided that maybe it would be better to have the amnio done at an office closer to us. Maybe staff at a Decatur/Atlanta office would be more professional that some of our previous encounters at the Fayetteville office (like the bad nurse my SIL talked to). Heck, I'll bet the Fayetteville office, even though quite modern and large, has never even seen a mixed Indian/Caucasian couple, much less one using surrogacy. It would be the same doctor (groan), but hopefully no sight of other staff members with similar issues. (Atlanta is completely different than most of the rest of GA.) We would still do the regular appointments closer to where my SIL lives, but we felt safer with the amnio in a more diverse setting.

Fast forward to Thursday: amnio test day. Meep.

We knew that my hubby would be about 15 minutes late due to work constraints, but we really wanted the time to be more convenient for our SIL and let her set it. So when the doctor came in after the initial ultrasound, hubby had not arrived yet. The doctor started off with "are you sure you still want to do this?" and I had to resist the urge of having a fit. Both SIL and I answered in the affirmative.

The doctor then explained that since there were twins, the first injection would have an add-on of dye. The barrel part of the syringe is interchangeable and thus one needle can be used to insert dye, screwed off, and another barrel placed on to gather the amniotic fluid. This insures that you are hitting the same place and that you don't have to puncture multiple times. The purpose of the dye is when they go to do the second amnio on twin B, they make sure they get the fluid from twin b and not twin a again. Apparently the sacs can be all over the place.

Guess what happened? 

Removing fluid for the second amnio showed blue dye. The doctor stopped and asked us if we wanted to continue. By now my husband has arrived and we have to explain what the blue dye is and what it means. It also, all of a sudden, occurs to me that 2 punctures to the same sac means we have just doubled that baby's chance of miscarriage. And the doctor says that if he hits it a third time it will triple it. And if one miscarries, then it can make the second one miscarry.

I sat shaking. Oh - and I haven't even MENTIONED how horrible this looked for my SIL. The first one didn't look painful until they removed the needle, but the second one definitely looked painful. What to do what to do? I felt paralyzed. Secretly I wished my husband would make the decision for us, but I knew that wasn't fair. My SIL turned to us and said she was fine if we wanted to continue. She continuously amazes me.

While the doctor started rambling on about some of our other options, I quietly thought to myself. There was a pause and I explained to my husband again, because I felt it had been glossed over, that the second puncture had increased the chances of miscarriage and a third would triple it. I stated it again to make sure my understanding was correct. The doctor said it was and my husband started asking more questions. Again I reach internally and quietly thought to myself.

What I realized was that my initial fears of chromosomal abnormality had not changed. I still couldn't deal with certain outcomes, but now I was increasing the chance of making a good outcome bad. And I didn't have my comforting statistics on hand to let me know what was optimal. Ultimately I internally decided that I felt we should continue. And to nut punch the doctor if he pierced the wrong sac again. My SIL reiterated she was fine to continue today.

I overheard the doctor saying we could try again in a week or two. This made ZERO sense because then you would definitely be piercing the twin A 3x (because you would have to do the dye again) and the timing would be off if we had to make other decisions. My husband turned stonecold at this point and told him "Just do it now." Hubby looked at me and I nodded my head yes.

The doctor found another area that he sounded more confident with injecting. Complete opposite side that had not been available (baby moved) previously. My husband asked him "between 0 and 100% what it your confidence rate that you won't hit Twin A a third time?" The doctor replied "Oh you can never be 100%" and didn't answer the question. Hubby repeated the question again and doctor replied "I'm very confident". Which of course we followed up with "how much is VERY???" His reply: "At LEAST 50%." Facepalm.

The doctor had to get into a weird hand position to access the third location. The dye check occurred and this time it was clear. We all breathed a big sigh, but the room was still incredibly tense. I could tell it was painful for our SIL. I watched as the doctor withdrew the amniotic fluid and saw his hands visibly shake the entire time. I have no idea if it was because he was old, nervous, or just because his hands were in a really awkward position. I decided that it would make the situation worse to announce "WTF is wrong with your hands?!?" mid-withdraw, so I stayed silent. (I did tell hubby, mommy, and SIL later.)

It was over. We were done. We asked SIL if she was ok. She said she was. Hubby ran downstairs to pharmacy because the doctors office didn't provide any after pain medicine and we didn't want her hurting on the long drive home. Tylenol was fine the staff said. SIL said she was fine, but hubby ran to get some Tylenol anyway.

My mother was waiting in the lobby when we were done. She had graciously volunteered to drive my SIL when we realized the night before that she shouldn't drive herself. Doctor's office failed to mention this. Hubby ran back downstairs and got drinks and Reese's peanut butter cups for everyone. We talked for about an hour to make sure SIL was feeling ok, before the long drive home.

At the end, we scheduled our appointment for the next ultrasound. We decided that Fridays would work best for everyone, rather than Thursdays. The front desk lady informed us that we would have a different doctor if we went on Fridays. Without getting mad, or causing a scene, I simply replied "GOOD" and she made the appointment. 

Third Party Coordination Goes Awry - Meds Edition

A few weeks ago I had to figure out where to order my and my surrogate's meds from. ACRM recommended 3 pharmacies and called the Rx in to all 3, allowing me to compare prices and such. One of these pharmacies, Village Fertility Pharmacy, actually had the forethought to test my insurance coverage even though I told them it wouldn't be covered. Thankfully I was wrong, so we went with them (a huge bulk of mine were covered!) I ordered both mine and my surrogates meds, shipping to our respective homes. Mine took 1-2 days. 

Since we paying ACRM extra money (~$3100) to do "third party coordination", I naturally thought that if I ordered the meds, that they would do more of the "coordination" and stuff. Honestly, they have not done a good job with this. Repeatedly I feel like I'm running around like a crazy person doing the bulk of the coordinating. With my ADD and new job, this is terrifically difficult for me. 

When my GC came in for her appointment on Monday, they gave her a written Rx for her meds and told her to fill it. No one thought "hey, we've already placed an order with the IP a few weeks ago, maybe we should check on that." The reason I found out? The nurse copied me on an email to the GC that said "You don't need to pick up the Lupron in your original order." All of a sudden I was like "Is this a double order???" The nurse emailed me at first and said that maybe the fertility pharmacy sent the Rx to Kroger. I asked my GC, and she said no - no one told her  about the previous med order and ACRM just gave her the Rx when she went for her baseline ultrasound. She was suppose to start meds that day and not one red flag was thrown up. A few back and forth emails, and it was apparent that no one on their end was really keeping tabs on this. 

Truthfully I should have checked that her med order went through smoothly weeks ago when I got mine. I had informed my nurse that I had received mine, but then got violently ill and forgot to double check if our GC got hers. I had no reason to believe she didn't and I guess with all the balls I am juggling, that was another one I dropped. I'm terrible at organizing these types of things, which is why I didn't mind paying the extra money to the clinic to do so. And I really don't consider $3100 a small fee to do this. As I am sure you have already guessed, our GC did not receive her meds from Village Fertility and it upsets me that I feel like I'm having to do the bulk of "third party coordinating" while paying them a chunk of extra cash. (Yes, I know some of this goes towards the medical aspect, but we were also told it goes towards things like this.)

All of this resulted in frantic phone calls, in the middle of a workday, with my very public cube, to multiple people. This is sucktastic for me to have to do at a new job. Village Fertility Pharmacy said they did not ship the GC order because they had left 2 messages to set-up a profile for the GC and she did not call back. My GC said she never received the messages and I 100% believe her. I asked Village why they didn't call me when they couldn't reach her, and they admitted they should have. (As a side note: I am very forgiving when people admit mistakes and then do whatever they need to do to correct it - Village did this.) Village apologize and after I altered the order (minus the no longer needed Lupron and minus the already procured Estrace), they were able to ship out overnight. 

In the long run, I think the mess-ups of everyone (me, the clinic, and the pharmacy) saved me money, but that still doesn't give me a warm and fuzzy. Especially mid-cycle. I'll write more later on my HUGE upset about a screw-up in charges. It's a freaking shame because we adore our doctor over there. 

Where Can I Get My Drugs?

No seriously. Who has the hook up? I need advice on who the cool [read: GOOD], reliable, fast online/mail order companies for fertility meds? Fairly certain that the email I just read from our clinic was saying that I will need to order mine (and our surrogates) in the next few days.

Here was the reply when I asked about getting the meds:

Once you are ready to get started, I will send this prescription to a mail order pharmacy and they will call you to set up payment and shipment of the medications.  You will need some of them within 14 days of starting a cycle.  The others you will need a few weeks after that.  I would recommend getting the meds as soon as you are ready to proceed.

Honestly I don't know if that means 14 days before my next cycle or 14 days after my current cycle start - which now that I think about it, is the same thing really. Since my period started on Sunday, that means I need to get the full list and make the purchases.

I hate having to rush rush rush everything, but it looks like that's where we are now. Have no idea about what happens with being able to claim this on taxes for anything that spills over to next year. I know you have to reach a minimum percentage of your income to claim medical, but can you only claim what is OVER that percentage, or do you to claim the first part too? I'm trying to figure out how vital it is we make our Dec 31st deadline. It's vital from an old eggs perspective, but I don't know how much it will end up costing us if we can't claim it all on our taxes this year.

Any tidbits you guys can throw my way I would really appreciate. The last two days of trying to balance 4 individuals' schedules for treatment, make sure everything is asked/answered for our upcoming cycle, work, getting a plumber out (yay! We have water!), make a community meeting that we will be a named plaintiff in, more work, AND cart my 12 year old Min Pin back and forth to the vet for dental surgery (9 extractions!) has my head spinning.

(BTW - my Min Pin is a total hillbilly now. All of his front teeth, bottom and top, were rotting due to age and not enough space, and had to be removed. He won't show me now and is working the cheese angle.)

No wonder I need a good hook up for meds. Give me a heads-up and I'll keep it on the D-Lo. 

What a week... wait, it's only Tuesday

Photographer: Jill Greenburg
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/popup?id=2242810

Yesterday morning, I was reading my son's facebook status and out of nowhere I burst out crying. Not a small cry, but one of those full-on crys that makes you think "thank goodness I'm alone" when it's all over.

What was the status you ask? That's the problem. I couldn't read it.

I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). The correct term is actually ADHD (the DSM-IV combined the terms years ago) and now ADD is listed as a subtype. Why do I call it by the sub-type name? ADHD is a controversial topic, thus the last thing I want is for people to say to me "that's baloney - you aren't even hyper", which means I have already lost the argument before I even have begun to explain the difference.

It's an argument I've grown weary of. Fortunately I've known doctors and people that know the reality of how hard it can be to deal with this problem; it can be soul-crushing to be honest with you. In addition to dealing with the multitude of issues it causes, I'll often run into people that will make a snarky comment or worse, self-diagnose it. Do I think it's possible that it's over-diagnosed or over-medicated? Yes, but not nearly as much as you see in the media. For every lame brain, non-researched excuse of why it's not real I can give you solid facts of why it is. It's as maddening as someone telling you that infertility is "all in your head". My absolute favorite is when a doctor (who has never studied it) jumps on the fashionable bandwagon. Thank GOD those are few and far between. Anyone that goes through the torture of not being able to process a conversation IN THE MIDDLE OF a conversation, knows the personal hell that can be ADD.

In addition to using the technically incorrect term "ADD", I also avoid calling it "Adult ADD". I've had it since I was a kid, they just didn't even know what it was back then. Mostly I was called scatterbrained, day-dreamer, or my personal favorite "not reaching her potential". I had no idea what was wrong with me and often just thought I was somehow broken. As a child it was depressing to constantly think I was crazy, lazy, you-name-it, and as an adult it is exhausting. Especially on days/weeks that I am particularly bad. I haven't taken medicine for years as the side effects far outweighed the slight benefits that it gave me, and so I have learned coping mechanisms that effectively make help me make it as a normal, bright, individual. Most of the time (unless I'm in a reading block), I manage quite well. You will never see me use it as an excuse, except on the rare occasion I have a private meltdown in a rush of frustration and insecurity.

If you are a regular reader of my blogs, you will see that I occasionally veer off topic, like I seem to be doing right here and apparently right now. Sigh. That's part of the problem.

Back to my story. 

I couldn't read my son's status. There are times I can't read. I try and it's just jumbled up and my brain won't process what I have read. Even if I read it 5x. Even if I read it 10x. It really sucks. Conversations can be the same. At work I write everything down, record meetings, and make sure anything that is important gets sent to email and immediately put on my calendar.

Having taken time off from work (after getting fired in February when asking about infertility benefits), I've gotten behind and now need to majorly study to get back in the job market. My job is one that I have to constantly stay updated. Not being able to read anything more than 3 sentences long is a MAJOR PROBLEM. Thus the realization of this yesterday morning made me have a meltdown.

This happened just when I have resolved to NOT let the EEOC decision to not pursue my case get me down (they issued me a "right to sue" document if I ever want to deal with that nightmare.) Friday I received that lovely letter, but after I read the letter more closely, I realized that my old company denied that I ever told them about infertility. Point blank said I never came to them. Stated that they had no idea I was going through infertility and denied that they had asked me directly if I had had a miscarriage when I made a statement about stress of some bullying that was causing me medical issues. (Note: I actually have proof that my boss gave me her infertility doctor's information to contact, but again, I don't know if sueing will cause me more grief than it's worth.)

In the back of my head, I think I half wondered if something had happened with my ADD that I just didn't realize. The letter let me know that it really wasn't me. My company stated it was for performance reasons, yet had not ever said there was any problem with my performance. I've won awards for stellar performances at companies before. The very week I was  fired (4 days after our 2 guys returned from paternity leave no-less), our toughest client had given me huge praises - something they never did. It wasn't me. I could be furious at my company, but it at least I receive confirmation that it wasn't me.

But that didn't help yesterday morning. I still had my meltdown. Then I noticed my period had started. Well that figures (and explains the meltdowns better). The day saw me have 2 more meltdowns. The second one  with a doctors office when I was late for an appointment, got lost (ended up being a tornado warning weather), and they cancelled me. Afterwards I had to rush to the DOL and wait hours to reschedule a missed appointment from when I was in India. (They scheduled it for me a few days prior and sent an email when I was halfway across the world.)

The third meltdown came from explaining the whole day to my husband and then simultaneously thinking about how I could be passing off this ADD to our child. I guess I'm carrying a larger load than I wanted to admit to myself. We get our 2ww results either Saturday or Monday and everything hit like a ton of bricks at once.

Today was a better day. My period makes me CRAZY and unable to handle stress for usually around 24 hours. Today seem to pass the 24 hour mark and I went to my volunteer place and was unexpectedly asked to manage 25+ volunteers. That not only helped me feel better about myself, but gave me a warm and fuzzy about helping others. I was profusely thanked by the top people at the end of the day.

2ww. Yea, I thought I was totally beating you this time. Not so much.

On a brighter note: my boobies no longer hurt. 

Friday's hustle

As noted in my post: Days are Flying By: Day 6, I ran into some hustlers the other day. Be forewarned, by the way I feel today, I am clearly hormonal from my shots. Happened to me last IVF cycle right around this time as well.

Friday I went in search of a store I heard about from the http://dr-patel-surrogacy.com/ forum (started from a former patient of Dr. Patel's). The store was called 7-eleven and it was the local baby store. I wanted to check to see if they had any Indian clothes for one of my BFF's that is expecting in October. She and her husband lived in India for a short duration many years ago and I knew she would love it.

A gentleman at the clinic gave me directions, but I got a little lost on the way. Not a super big deal because I was close enough to the clinic that I knew I could find my way back if needed. Plus I had a map on my phone of where I was going, and used it in tandem with the remarkably accurate iPhone map (that locates where you are.) No biggie.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see a woman walking some distance away, carrying another women. Having recently watch the CARE video (netflix) on polio, I instantly assume she is carrying a relative that has been struck with that horrible disease; especially since it is not uncommon in India. I've seen it in many other parts of India, but I can't remember seeing it in Anand (with the possible exception of a girl I gave money to outside the clinic the other day).

The ladies and I were walking at opposite ends of a right angle, thus our paths were bound to cross. I knew she would ask for money, and I'm a sucker for that sort of thing (though less in major cities as it is sometimes connected to nefarious groups). As soon as our eyes met she headed for me and I acquiesced by giving her a small bit: more than my Indian friends would have approved of, but still a paltry amount by US standards. She asked for more, but I declined. Something about when a beggar asks for more usually sends a red flag up in my experience. The heat is getting to me and I sit down on some stairs for a minute. Sure enough, I watch as the woman, now a block away, sets the other woman down and they continue walking, smiling, and chatting. I shake my head and smile as you can only do when these things happen.

Another elderly woman approaches and I give her a small amount as well. She's old and is almost completely void of pigment. Something about her rings true and she thanks/blesses me as she walks away. I figure at this point I should move away from the area I am in. It's heavily populated and too many people have seen me give money away. There are no other non-Indians anywhere to be seen and I have just painted a big bulls-eye on myself. Start walking a different direction and less than 60 seconds passes when 2 girls start following me.

Here is when I start to bristle. These girl are not poor. This is quite obviously a game to them. They are dressed well in good saris and are giggling as much as they are begging. Clearly this is a game to see if I will pay them to leave me alone. They follow me creating a scene, begging, giggling, and occasionally pulling at my shirt as I walk. Let me pause here it say that the last part is especially stressful for me as I used to have anxiety attacks about stuff like that. Just crowds in general with people bumping into me. (I've come a long way baby.)

I repeatedly tell the girls "no" in english and in Hindi. My breath starts getting a little shallow, but I'm determined not to let it get to me.  Realize that even if I WANTED to pay them to leave me alone, that this will invite others to harass me, so I hold steadfast in my principles even though it is only a miniscule amount. A shopkeeper, half laughing, takes pity on me at a corner and tells the girls to leave me alone. After a few stern comments from him and my continue refusal to give in, they finally walk away laughing. I take a deep breath, shrug/smile at the shop keeper, thank him, and continue on my journey. As I resume looking for the 7-eleven, I notice that I had just begun to shake a little. My in-laws words "take no tension!" echo in my ear.

The shop is right around the corner, and I welcome the cool AC. They have some FREAKING AWESOME Indian baby clothes. In my heart I know I can't buy these on my own because I will be horrifically overcharged, so I tell them I will come back with my husband. I think he will be tickled when he sees the little outfits, but may have been irritated if I let them rob me. Anyway, I'm in no mood to bargain.

This is probably one of my biggest stresses of India. I do not mind helping people (beggars) who are genuinely poor and have very few options, but the scammers make this difficult. Part of your heart begins to harden because you begin to notice so many hustles. What is one to do? Many times I  think of trying to start a project that helps people in severe poverty, but right now the idea is overshadowed with self-doubts of how I would be able to do this effectively as a foreigner.

Had some further things tried on me today when trying to purchase some local fruit, but I'll save that for another post. That's probably what set me off today as I was trying to buy extra fruit to give away instead of money. In my mind I thought it was a win-win: help a vendor by purchasing and have something for people on hand that are genuinely hungry (and makes me less of a target.) Hormones and people trying to charge me too much, made this idea a bust.

These are the complications I don't have to worry about when I help animals.

Simple Cyst

When I woke up this morning, I wondered if I should just stay in bed. Was trying to get 8 CONTINUOUS hours of sleep, which is nearly impossible in my house due to the fact that I stay up too late and my husband gets up early. A bad dream woke me up after 6 1/2 hours. I tried to go back to sleep until my husband's 7am alarm, but I never really did.

I should have just stayed in bed the rest of the day. Already I felt weepy.

At 9:20 am I had a followup appointment at my OB/GYN's office (Dr. I) to check for cysts. I didn't even have to ask this time, the big black space on the monitor told me everything. Then I met with the doctor, where he informed me that I have a minor "simple cyst" and not to worry. Except I do worry. And then I asked the size... 5 x 4.1 cm. Look, I may not be a doctor, but that's not small. I think the one that threw off my cycle last time was smaller than that and that we had to aspirate before proceeding.

I reminded Dr. I that I was starting IVF in September and that a cyst was a problem last time. He said we could check in a few weeks, that it would probably burst on it's own. Without losing my shit, I explained I would be on a plane next Thursday. He still seemed mighty casual about it all and said that if we wanted to PUSH to remove it, then I would have to undergo GENERAL anesthesia. Still keeping my cool (I'm not sure how), I informed him that I had to have general anesthesia in India to have it aspirated anyway and that I would much prefer doing it here, then letting it mess up my cycle. He was nice about it and all, but hellz balls I'm frustrated.

Initially I thought I would ask my doctor in India (Dr. P) what to do (which I did), but I also wanted to go ahead and schedule my appointment here. In India they immediately gave me anesthesia and aspirated, in the USA you have to have appointments way ahead of time. After returning home, it occurred to me that he had really been saying laparoscopy removal when he was talking about general anesthesia. I have NO IDEA why he didn't just suggest aspirating it as that is what I told him we had to do last time.

Months ago I had asked my Indian Dr if I should get a laparoscopy to check for endometriosis or just get some sonograms to check for cysts. She only wanted me to do the sonogram and distinctly said no to the laparoscopy. When I called Dr. I to schedule it (had to calm my mind down and go home first), I asked to have it aspirated. If Dr. P wants me to wait till I get there, then I can always cancel. I don't even know if it will be covered on insurance here.

When I come back from India, I will be having a laparoscopy to test for endometriosis. After today, I may want to try to find a different OB/GYN. I miss my old one (had him since I was 15!) and his small practice ways. There is something to be said about a doctor and his staff knowing you every time you walk through the door and remembering everything you tell them.

Waiting for the flood gates to open. If I cry now, then I may be ok when I see hubby later.

I guess the myo-inositol didn't work. 

What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk

Dorothy meets the Cowardly Lion, from the first edition

From The Wizard of Oz,  by the Cowardly Lion
Courage! What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got?

When I went to India in June for my first IVF treatment, a few people remarked how brave I was. Truthfully, it didn't feel brave. At all. Not even a tiny bit. I have been to India twice before and besides family living there and being able to check things out for us, my husband (who is Indian) traveled with me. He's fluent in Hindi, the national language, and knows several other languages. He can tell by listening to someone where they are from in India and of course is familiar with many customs. When I see others take this journey to India, I feel far less brave than them. Even if the illusion from those here at home is something different.

What I realized last trip, is that I used my husband as a crutch - as did many of the locals. Most people preferred speaking to him in Hindi and it seemed an effort (and slightly rude) to constantly interrupt them with "hey there! English please!" (Note: this was never a problem with our doctor, who always spoke in English and spoke equally to both of us.) I'm sure part of it also had to do with the patriarchal society over there that some are more comfortable with (and no that is not a ding against India as we certainly have our fair share of it here in the US).

The funny part is that I have back-packed through Europe with my 9 year old son before - with only a multi-lingual phrase book, rail pass, basic necessities, and a loose plan that wasn't adhered to. I've been to countries all of the world and navigated myself without too much hullaballoo. I'm more inclined to seek different and daring adventures when on my own, then when not. Let's just say that "impulsive" is a much better adjective to describe me than "overly cautious". Incidentally, this makes my husband a great balance for me when I might otherwise do something truly stupid.

Oddly enough, my husband tends to see the more reserved me when we travel. Especially in India where I'm more reserved around him and family lest I make some huge social gaffe that could reflect upon him or make my in-laws question my good sense. Of which, I tend to have very little of at times. His family are relentless teasers, something which I don't wish to arm them with more fodder and something I really didn't have a lot of growing up. (My step-dad is a relentless teaser as well, so I am getting used to it.) What this amounts to is a less daring attitude when I am with my husband abroad. This actually can be a good thing such as the following conversation will allude:

Me: "Oh look! MONKEY!!!!!" (start fiddling in my purse so I can get either piece of fruit to feed it or my camera)
(Large monkey looks at me for a second from 10-12 feet away.)
Hubby: "Walk away NOW"
Me (whining and walking away): "But it's a MONKEY. I hardly ever see monkeys. And never this close." (wistfully look at monkey while still digging in purse.)
Hubby (trying to get me to hustle): "If monkeys make eye contact, they sometimes attack. Many carry rabies. You can't randomly go up to wild things - especially in India."
Me (pouting): "But I like monkeys..."
Hubby: "Yes, I know. Come on."
(Monkey ducks down alleyway with several of his friends.)

The point of this post? My cycle in September means I will be traveling to India alone. My husband will meet me there after 2 weeks, but before that I am on my own. Well, except for the part of family meeting me at the airport to drive me some portion of my trip. For some reason, hubby and family were freaking out about that and I acquiesced. They wanted someone to stay with me the entire time, but I told my husband "no". I love my Indian family, but it would be far more stressful for me to have one of them there at all times than to just be by myself. Being super hormonal and trying to impress in-laws is just too much pressure. I'd rather fumble around and deal with the frustration of being alone in a foreign land. I'm introverted anyway and that is my comfort zone.

Am I scared? No and Yes. My impulsive behavior tends to make me forget about being scared until I am in the moment, or until I deeply think about it: "ummmmm, maybe this wasn't such a great idea.Opps. Too late now." Especially about things like traveling, or jumping off bridges into who-knows-how-deep water, or walking my dogs at 2am because I figure we all need the exercise. More so what scares me is when other people have fears - then it can bleed into my veins. (That and interviews - those things terrify me!)

However, using a crutch over the last few years has made me more into a cowardly lion. Maybe part of it is having someone else speak the problems that I don't consider. Maybe part of it is knowing my impulsive behavior can get me into trouble. Maybe part of it is that I haven't done things alone in the last four years. Somehow I think it is all of this, and much more.

This time, I will be embarking on a real adventure in India. The idea of it makes me feel braver, something which I really need of late. I have great admiration for all of the bloggers who have gone this route alone, and without incessantly whining, they embrace a totally different culture with only a nod or a joke to frustrations they encounter. Hopefully, I will muster the courage and grace that I have seen radiate many before me.

As Dorothy once hinted at to The Cowardly Lion, "You were courageous all along. You just didn't know it." Let us hope so. 

RAAAAWWWWRRRR

Ok, confession time: I'm a tad afraid that my hormones are making me feel a little roid ragey. I'm not used to taking birth control pills (BCP) and I'm certainly not used to taking DHEA, both of which contain hormones. This morning I feel unusually weepy, and often I feel unusually RAWR!!!! Add that I am probably PMSing and it's a mighty good thing that hubby is at the office today.

I'm hoping it will level off soon; the bad parts, not the good parts. On the good side I think I am getting darn good sleep at night (not normal for me) and I don't feel exhausted during the day like I normally do. DHEA is supposed to help people with chronic fatigue syndrome and I am wondering if the deeper sleep at night is why. How long has this been a problem for me? My mom still tells stories how she worried I would be kicked out of kindergarten because of my requirement for 2+ hour naps.

If the Fedex man likes me today, then I should receive my Melatonin. Hopefully that won't throw me back to wanting to sleep all the time. Sigh.  I wonder if I should go back to acupuncture. It didn't seem to help one bit and I wonder if the occasional massage wouldn't be just as effective (and appreciated more.) Then again, the acupuncturist also could help me wade through the RAWR.

If someone had told me a year ago that I would be taking all kinds of weird supplements and dropping $100 a pop to the local acupuncturist, I would have told them they were off their rocker. Next thing you know I'll be traveling to a rural town, in a foreign country, without my husband, navigating the intricacies of basic every day things, for the privileged of shots in my belly. Oh wait...

An argument, a wedding, and a memorial

from: http://www.ghank.com/sad-pictures/

Last week had it's ups and downs that melted into this week.

1.) An argument
Hubby and I had a big fight about if we will try again with my eggs after my second treatment in September. He's of the opinion that if I don't have a significant change in number of eggs retrieved, than it is pointless to even try. I'm of the opinion that it takes at least 2 cycles to even know the best treatment path. Truthfully, I see his point, but we really didn't need to GO THERE until we see if I improve at all. I need the hope right now.

We are going back to our original clinic. We had to make a decision and truth be told, our other India option did not get back to us with information promised; even after reminded. In fact, after the reminder I was basically told that the original person that was getting the information just had a baby and no information on if someone else would be getting the info or how long I would have to wait. I'm 40 years old and I really can't wait - hoping that they will get back to me. Every month lowers my chances. It's a shame because I really thought we would be going there instead. Maybe we will if they ever get back to me and IF I show improvement; two big ifs.

2.) A Wedding
My little (half) brother was married last weekend. The only reason I put "half" is because of the #3 part of this post. He is not part of that side of the family, even though he 100% part of mine.

Any how, the wedding was great and I could not be happier. He asked me to be the photographer and I happily acquiesced once it was known that I only "play a photographer on TV". Expensive equipment != good wedding photographer. The wedding was small, but really wonderful and I was able to spend time with family as well as people I have not seen in a really long time.

I spent the two weeks prior practicing with my camera and now need to spend a fair amount of time editing the wedding pics I have. Very critical of myself, but I hope they like it.

3.) A Memorial
My father died when I was 3. I won't belabor all the wah-wah tragedy of how it affected my life, but I will say this: with the exception my Grandparents and 2 others, the rest of that side of the family (which is large)  has pretty much ignored me most of my life. What is that saying? "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference."

Last fall my Grandfather died and I was fortunate enough to be able to say my goodbyes by flying over to Sweden a few weeks prior. My Grandfather was the closest thing I had to a dad growing up. There was a funeral in Sweden, but half of the ashes were kept to be delivered to the US, as all of the children and grandchildren live here. In typical fashion, my family consulted neither me nor my older brother about availability for a memorial date. We were told last week that it would be in Sept.

While I tried to explain that I would be in India for medical reasons in September and asked if it could be rescheduled, I was informed that reservations had already been made by others (only a day later) and the date was chosen because it had the best weather for NC. Great - now I fall below weather. For the first time in my life, in a long, but respectful manner, I told them that their lifetime apathy towards my father's side of the family (my brother and I) was unacceptable. As the good little, quiet girl, I'm sure it has sent ripples throughout the family.

I don't pat myself on the back for adding grief during a hard time (as one Uncle put it), but for my own sanity it had to be done. Grandpa died last fall and they have had plenty of time to contact us instead of "oh freaking well - this is the date we choose - too bad for you." My grandfather told us we were to be considered as the stand-in for my father, and we have never been given that respect.

Maybe since I've finally said it, I can move on. Maybe this is the wake-up point where I tell myself that I need to make sure I'm not an absentee family member to my nieces and nephews. Maybe I won't keep myself up at night wondering why the hell so many didn't give a damn for so many years. Maybe I can accept that is our role, I've had my say about it, and concentrate on those around me that have CONTINUOUSLY SHOWN love as long as they have known me. Maybe. 

TSA killed my laptop

On my trip to India, we opted for the pat down instead of the scanner as we always do. Trying to have a baby, we do not need anything working against us. When doing an opt out, you are not allowed to carry your things to the pat down area - TSA agents will do that for you. At least that's the way it works in our airport.

Going through the security line, we noticed that one of the TSA agents was yelling at everyone for a variety of things. If you dared forget to take even a sliver of paper out of your pocket, you were yelled at in front of everyone. I received my pat down and started putting my things back together when I noticed my husband was one of those people. We travel very frequently and he carries non-metal things in his pocket all the time - never previously a problem. This time it was. As my husband does not take it well when people in positions of power are abusive, he argued with the TSA agent, but then eventually was allowed through. 

After he went through the metal detector, he was brought over to the pat down area. I was still gathering all my stuff, but was distracted as the TSA agent began to yell at other people. Had my attire back together and started putting all of my things they had brought over back in the bags. 

After my husband's pat-down, I noticed he was visibly distressed. Not surprising. In the airport there is a TSA stand where you can see agents sitting down, talking, doing paperwork. My husband gathered his items that the agents had brought over and headed to the TSA stand. 

At the stand, he stated he wanted to file a compliant, but the agent stated that she would take his complaint orally. Since we had an overseas flight to catch, we didn't want to investigate if that was enough or if we should insist on filing a form. After all, they could always throw it away if it was what they were trying to avoid.

It was in right before we landed in Paris (our layover) that we realized his laptop was never returned to him. As the plane landed, we rushed to talk to the stewardess, but there was nothing she could do; they don't even have TSA overseas. Then it hit me as we got off the plane: my laptop had not been returned to me either. One is a mistake - two laptops not returned is something else all together. 

In a flurry of long distance cell phone calls, we were able to contact my brother and his wife to get the process started of trying to get our laptops back. They found out the number to our airport TSA and the general number. Even though it was still the middle of the night in our original airport, I left a message for the manager of TSA customer service for that airport. (Big surprise - he never called back.) 

Fortunately my brother was able to retrieve the laptops the next day; he was really on top of it. While he was picking them up, he heard the lady in lost and found drop a laptop. He asked if it was one of ours, but she insisted it was not and opened up another laptop stating it was that one. My brother was all prepared to give his ID and the passwords to the computers, but no need, the employee said he had "an honest face" and let him take both laptops without any proof what-so-ever.

When he got home he booted the laptops up to make sure they were the right ones. They were, but unfortunately mine would not boot. Rather than having him send the laptops to India like we originally planned, we decided not to risk more damage and vowed to take care of it on our return.

Well I've returned and it's not good. My 6 month old laptop is fried. For the first time in my life I took my computer to a repair shop (I'm an IT person), because it was clear that it needed tools that the average IT person does not have for data recovery. After days of trying different methods, the data recovery shop had to inform me that none of the data was recoverable and it was the worst case of damage by dropping that they had ever seen - and they see a lot. 

Normally I back up my hard drives, but with all of our recent unexpected travel (we've had a lot) and medical things, I just didn't get it around to it. I am sick to my stomach over what is lost forever. Not to mention the weeks and weeks worth of work on it. My computer has been shipped off to HP in hopes that in the very least it will still be covered it under warranty and that I will not have to "drop" another $600-$800 on a new one. 

Now the computer shop tells me that not only do they get A LOT of PCs that TSA has dropped, but that it is very common for TSA not to return things to people who are flying. Apparently if it goes unnoticed, all items are auctioned after 30 days. How many guesses do you want on who goes to those auctions... 

WILL UPDATE MORE AS MY CLAIM AND COMPLAINT PROCESS PROCEEDS. It is not a fast process from what I understand. Their website claims 3 weeks to even acknowledge your compliant and 6 weeks to resolve. 

Off to a bad start

Today we fly to India. This is what has happened so far (posting from phone):

-They inform us at the airport that they can't print our boarding tickets for the Paris-Mumbai leg of our flight. They don't know WHY, they just can't and they are SURE it's not because they may not have our seats available.
-On that note, they are fairly certain we WON'T be able to sit together. We sometimes have a problem with this domestically becz my hubby is not a citizen, but we have never run into it internationally. Oh yea, and I have problems flying and have to keep my feet elevated. I'm sure whomever is sitting next to me won't mind my feet in their lap.
-The TSA guy is yelling at everyone, including my husband. This never bodes well as he does not cow tow to TSA ever.
-We opt out if scanner (as always) and go through the biggest pat down I have ever received. I've recently been opting out becz of our fertility issues.
-The girl behind us (between 8-10) decides to kick and bump our chairs the entire flight. I say something politely to her mom and to her several times, but it does no good. The last hour I turn around and almost in tears (have not slept) and tell the mom/guardian to please make sure it stops as it has been going on all flight. She looks at the little girl, says "ok" like it's a big hassle and rolls her eyes.
-We land and my husband realizes that TSA did not return his laptop.
-We go through Paris security and I realize they did not return mine.
-Air France gets us seats together.
-TSA or ATL airport can't be reached since it is middle of night in USA and TSA is ONLY for USA.
-I realize that I may have been using regular cell phone instead if google phone. Expect big charges.
-I call brother who works at airport. Don't realize that he has to get up in 5 hours to go to work. Feel like an idiot. They are looking into it for us.
-No sleep. Extra emotional from BCPs, but I've somehow managed to hold it together so far. I predict I'll cry before this (new) day is over.

5 minutes later:
And I just walked in to the men's restroom...

this does not install confidence...

UPDATE ON STORY on 06/03/2012. See at bottom. 

My husband casually mentioned to me as he stepped out of the shower this morning, some news from his sister.  Apparently there was a some sort of mix-up at our clinic. At least I think it was our clinic...Not exactly sure. That's how these things sometimes go.

What was this oh-by-the-way casual mix-up? Apparently a couple went to India and the first try for a baby was unsuccessful. They went back a few months later and the second try was successful. They also found out the the first try was "whoops", successful after all. So they will be having 2 kids a couple of months apart, so sorry about the mess-up on the first. WAIT WHAT???

 "Was it IVF or surrogacy? Wait I don't think that's even possible with IVF. Couldn't even imagine what the meds might due to a growing fetus. How could they miss a pregnancy in the first one? Don't they do blood tests AND scans?" blahhhhhh blahhhhh blahhhhhh, my mouth continues on a rampage of questions/statements that I have no control over stopping. I could tell by my husbands expression that he just realized that his "interesting story" was horrifying to me. And not because of 2 babies (which is probably what he thought was pretty cool about it.)  I have to keep myself calm knowing that the story is being relayed through several people and I will be able to ask our doctor about it face-to-face in 10 days. I wouldn't be shocked if it wasn't our clinic. And by that I mean "I really hope it isn't our freaking clinic or I may loose it."

Sigh. In my determination to hunt down the facts (he told me his sister read it in a news story in India) I reach out to my ever faithful Google. Except apparently Google is a whore today because she is MIA on this news story. She does, however, give me snippets of more bad news: a surrogate mother dies in her 8 month. I am thankful that it was not my clinic, but it still saddens me greatly. Yes I know that women die in childbirth, and one of the big reasons I chose the place I chose was due to my concerns for the surrogate mother, but this is still upsetting. Her poor kids and family.

I am further upset because I read related articles and the follow up comment section (always a big mistake). It appears that this news story has inspired many to write about how surrogacy exploits the poor women of India. Suspiciously missing is the [objective] reporting that talks about good clinics. Or even how these same women are exploited every day of their lives in grueling working conditions when not acting as a surrogate. How being a surrogate gives a possibility of changing this for them. Or how it's not exploiting when western women act as surrogates. On and on.

I furiously start typing all of this in a comment section where the only previous comments are negative to surrogacy (including the authors). I click on a link and realize I have just erased 30 minutes of pondering and typing as the link does not open in a new page, but instead uses the same. It's just as well. People don't want to think about the bigger picture. It's much easier to criticize than to research or even think about the bigger issues with poverty. Never mind they don't mention that regulation would help get rid of the bad clinics and help insure surrogates would be in the best care. Never-mind that... oh just never mind. I'm exhausted. I'm tired of ignorance.

Dr. Nayna Patel sets up a fund (required for IPs to pay into) that helps educate surrogates with trade and language skills. They are allowed to access this during and post surrogacy. She helps the women set up bank accounts in their own name and guides them in a multitude of ways. She is thought of as a hero in her community because of all she does for her surrogates and their children. She helps women have a chance out of poverty. What are all the critics doing??? Besides typing their ignorance time and time again? Usually pontificating with little information.

Ok, so this has officially turned from story to rant. Sigh. 6 more days until I leave for India. I better get off the computer and get some things done.

UPDATE: Spoke with the sister today and it turns out there was no mistake. A couple used 2 different surrogates and both got pregnant with twins. Shew. I didn't even bother to ask if it was our clinic as no mistake was made. 

As promised, my little communication rant

Frustration: I haz it

Fair warning: I'm PMSing and frustrated. Anything remotely drama-queeny is not my fault. 


I am getting frustrated with the communication issue with our clinic. Have done enough research to know that our doctor is super-duper busy, but that begs the question: why doesn't she hire additional staff? A case manager would be fantastic. 

The doctor uses a yahoo email account, and from what my hubby says, yahoo doesn't give the thread of all back and forth emails. Essentially that means I am emailing the same information multiple times, even though I can see (with gmail) that the information is all there. 


Her: "Send me your results"
Me: "They are at the bottom of this thread."
Her: "Ok. Then please send me your results" 
Me: Sigh. "Ok. Here you go. Can you answer these 15 questions for me."
Her: "Yes, but only after a few days and only with one or two words answers."


2 weeks later...
Me: I have a couple of quick questions.
Her: "Ok. Send me your results."
Me:  "Ok. Let me go stab my eyes first." 


Is this going into a case file? Maybe she just doesn't have time to look at everyone's file when responding to the hundreds of email she gets (she personally responds to all emails herself). Again, this is where a case manager would be prime. Or Sharepoint. Or somethin. I hate to be the spoiled American, but jeez. 

Actually it wouldn't have even bothered me except some important information almost slipped through the cracks about when I am supposed to start BCP and our arrival date. At least it seems important. After a few unclear emails, where I literally wrote "just to clarify" on each one, it was discovered that we would need to take BCP for an extra day to be in sync for my arrival. I have no idea what the consequences would have been with me being off sync with the surrogate by 1 day or starting the IVF cycle a day later. Maybe nothing, but maybe something. 

When I don't get a exact details and clarity up front, I get super anxious. Like super-duper anxious. More than the average person. I have to keep important information in an easily accessible digital format (thank you Evernote) that I can access no matter where I am, as I sometimes have what I like to call "processing issues" (don't ask). This make me prone to be an "annoying patient" because I need uber clarity and a high level of granularity.  Had I started this "clarity" routine earlier in life, I would have saved myself tons of money and a big chunk of my sanity. Let's just call it "lessons learned". On the flip side, it make me wonder if hyperventilating is a good relief option when I don't get it. "Paper or plastic ma'am?"


I've had to reign these OCD eccentrics waaaaaaaay back based on my husband's advice, so as not to offend. Something about doctors getting offended when patients questions them or something; I don't remember because I didn't write it down. "Make sure you write things like this...." OMG A SHINY BUNNY! That's like a double rainbow!

My in-laws repeatedly tell me on the phone "take no tension!!!" I wish it were that easy. Things like this make me go bonkers. Bonkers is not good. I'm PMSing and the weight of everything that is going on is ringing the doorbell. I don't even have my pants on. Or coffee. I'm not even making sense now. 


At least her email didn't bounce back again today like it did yesterday. A month from now I will be in India again. Holy crap. 


UPDATE: Crisis averted. She has responded and now I feel much better. 

Wrap up from last week or so

The good:

To top off my previous birthday week, my hubby also planned a surprise birthday party for me on Saturday night. It was awesome. I'm guessing around 50 friends and family showed up. Brings tears to my eyes because sometimes often I think I'm very socially awkward and it meant a lot to have so many people show up for little old me. 

On the funny side of it, my hubby spilled the beans the night before. While cooking dinner he announces "don't go planning anything for tomorrow night," (I hadn't) "you have a surprise party." LOL. If you know me and my husband, you would appreciate how humorous I found this. The next evening we had to plan me acting surprise walking in. It was doubly and triply humorous because a.) my friends stink at being quiet during surprise parties and I heard the "shhhhh shhhhhh, here she comes!" from ACROSS THE PARKING LOT and b.) my friend's mom stopped us in the restaurant and said in her thick Greek accent, "happy birthday! So many people here for you!"  Truthfully I really was surprised though because I had no idea that many people would be there and the tears that came to my eyes were honest and sincere. 

The bad: 

I am getting frustrated with the communication issue with our clinic. Have done enough research to know that our doctor is super-duper busy, but that begs the question: why doesn't she hire additional staff? A case manager would be fantastic. Actually this deserves an entire separate post: so shall it be.

In other semi-bad news: remember how I was all "acupuncture doesn't hurt at all" the other week? Last week it did. Only in a few places, but YOW! I do not like needles. Which is pretty unfortunate when you think about what I will be going through next month. 

The other: 

I finished my book: All The Fishes Come Home to Roost: An American Misfit in India.  For those of you wondering, it has nothing to do with surrogacy, IVF, or even traveling in India. Basically it is a memoir from a woman whose parents worshiped a deceased Indian cult leader, and decided to move India to live with other followers. Tragedy written with wit, off-color humor ensues in the same style of Augusten Burroughs's Running with Scissors. I won't go into a long review here, but if you liked Scissors (or other tragedy/humor type memoirs), then you will probably enjoy this. I'd give it 4 out of 5 stars. 3.5 on a grumpy day. I look forward to more from this author as this was her first book. 

The other part deux:

Watched Google Baby today. I had seen clips of it before, but had not gone as far as to watch it yet. Mostly because a lot of the comments on youtube and news sites were pretty hurtful. I don't know why I let that affect me as I generally despise the comment section of news articles and such, regardless of the topic. (Makes me depressed that there so many misinformed or hateful people.) Any way, the movie was good. I thought it may make me second guess my decision (based on the trailer), but it actually had the opposite effect. Made me reaffirm that our decision is the right one for us. 

I'm putting the trailer below, but I don't think it's good representation of the movie. There are other clips on youTube you can watch as well to get slightly more. I'm guessing the trailer was designed more for people that aren't going through surrogacy and have prejudgments. The movie isn't judgmental at all. The movie is informative from a practical, medical, and emotional standpoint. If you can get a copy, I would say go for it. 

Yay for me! Stress and dealin'

2 posts ago, I wrote a little bit about an ordeal I went through with my old company. A few hours after posting that, I accidentally saw that I was going to be face-to-face with some of my old company at a professional event I was an organizer for. A scenario I hadn't even thought about. Seeing as I was on the organizing committee AND that I really, really respect all of the other people on the committee (almost all of whom are big-wigs in my professional community), I decided to suck it up and deal with it. I let one person know so she could have my back if I needed to walk away, but other than that I kept it to myself.

A funny thing happened...I worried about it a little bit, but then got so busy DOING stuff for the event that I didn't allow myself to dwell on it. When the first day arrived I saw the people that had caused me so many problems previously, but made busy work for a few seconds to get through and was able to jump back into my cheerful self, helping everyone else that came my way. The only person I had to talk to from my old company was someone I WANTED to talk to: a newer guy that is super-smart and super-nice. He is going to go far (and I told my boss that when I left!) The problem people saw me (as I saw them) and scurried away. (Yes I am purposely using that verb as it is apropos.)

And you know what - I was ok.

Photo from http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

I turned to my "got my back" friend after the few problem people had passed (and no one else was around us at the moment) and declared, "I am really proud of myself." Her response "You should be. You were awesome." She wasn't even able to tell which people were the ones I had been worried about even though she stood next to me most of the time. Perfect. Something that a month ago would have had me shaking, was successfully and professionally handled by moi.

The things I have been doing to reduce and deal with stress are working; to bring it back full circle - that's essential for our future success of having a baby. Wishing all of you (and me!) continued success in this realm. Even little successes.

We're going to have a meeting about the meeting and get back to you.

The nurse called today and initially told me what I thought she would: "The doctors had their meeting and your doctor wants to schedule a consult with you to discuss the results. Wait what? Earliest we have available is next week. How will that work for you?" GAAAAAHHHHHH!

Seriously? I have long thought that doctors operate in a different world where test results are just little things on pieces of paper that get moved around and talked about while sipping tea. No rush. Take your time. One lump or two?  It's not like we are waiting for each minute to tick by. The internet feeding our fear like a hypochondriac on WebMD. This confirmed my tea theory and it took me all of second to decide that I was NOT going to wait another 6 days.

"So what does it all mean? Are we still ok to use my eggs?" Nurse: "oh yes, it just means the doctor will probably want to give you more fertility meds and you should think about freezing some embryos now. It could take months before we find a gestational carrier." And there it was. We were still a go with my eggs and of course, my husbands gametes. (Is it weird that I don't want to post the S word?) I didn't have the heart to tell her we were going to India instead.

Now we just wait for our meeting about their meeting about our test results. Where they tell me "TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!!!" As if I didn't already know that. Hopefully I will have a zillion more questions by then. Wait....that's my hopeful? I may need to schedule a meeting with my hubby to discuss this...

And the answer is...

....
....
....

Yes, exactly.
No answer.

Doc's office did not call today like they were suppose to. Left a message, but they have a dreadful phone answering system that often cycles me around till I land in someone's voice mail.

Bad ending to a super-bad day. At least my hubby is wonderful.

Stats! need stats, stat!

Where we are right now: we knew from the beginning that we would have to go the IVF/surrogacy route (more on that later), but late last year we were given some hope that I may be able to carry a baby. Several tests and renewed hope/worries, we were told a few weeks ago "that ain't gonna happen". Ok fine. Back to square one. What we were not prepared for was the cost... After much research I had to inform my husband that the possibility this could easily go over 6 figures, was very real. Not to mention costs if something medically went wrong with the gestational carrier (new code word for surrogate) and she doesn't have insurance. I'm guessing most won't.  (All of this lead to my idea of surrogacy in India, but I will save that post for a later day.)

Here is a tiny shred of info about us: 
My stats - 40 years old, Caucasian, good BMI of around 22, generally a healthy eater, exercise semi-regular, semi-weird health issues over the years with nothing serious.
DH - 40 years old, Indian, mid-range BMI for male, generally a healthy eater, exercise semi-regular, no known health issues.

Current state of basic tests:
His tests showed good count, with a little slowness.
My tests showed an AMH of 1.7 (normal range), FSH of 12.4 (GAH!), and 16 follicles (yay). (Stay tuned for my rant on confusing AMH numbers...)

I honestly expected a much lower FSH and the news hit me hard. The news of 16 follicles earlier that day was probably the one thing that didn't make me crumble in a pile of tears. Just kinda stone-faced for a few hours. I'm hoping that the HUGE amount of stress I have been dealing with lately (tremendous stress at job, followed by loss of job, car accident, worrying about money, worrying about this whole IVF/Surrogacy thing, blah blah blah) may have had some affect and that with proper stress reducers, followed by a few lifestyle changes (no alcohol, cut way back on caffeine, muti-vitamins, baby aspirin, avoid toxins, etc) that this will help.

The logical side of me worries because I saw a blurb on the interwebs that some doctors believe your highest FSH is where you are at no matter if it fluctuates later, but the hopeful side of me reminds me that all of this is not known yet and thus doctors can not have an absolute certainty of what may or may not help. Besides, the article very vaguely stated "some doctors believe..." with no facts or numbers to back it up. Plus, I tend to be the girl that doctors say how unique my situation is. With everything. Want proof?  My normal AMH combined with my FSH puts me at less than 5% of cases of a study that was about AMH and FSH numbers combined. When looking at SART reasons for infertility, my medical issue of why I can't carry a baby has me at less 2% of the population that goes to infertility clinics. Essentially, it means I really don't have a lot of stats I can lean on at the moment to gauge what our success will be.

Our US doctor will be calling me later to either "discuss the results from last week" or "schedule an appointment to discuss the results from last week". Not sure which since the lady on the phone (when I was driving no less), gave me the info and I honestly did not hear much after "FSH 12.4" and "doctor team will discuss internally at their meeting on Monday". We are in the process of talking with several clinics in India as well and will see how that goes. On SART, our clinic had an over 30% success rate with women my age last reporting period (2010). This statistically significant enough that it will make them stand-out, but it also makes me wonder if they skew what they advise. As in "you really need to use donor eggs" instead of what might be a perfectly normal range of odds for my age.

Sigh. I told you I over-think things.