Amniocentesis and another 2WW.

From: http://www.webmd.com/baby/twin-pregnancy-types

Thursday we had our amniocentesis. What a nightmare. It was really important for us to have one, but holy crap that stuff is scary.

The doctor certainly didn't help. It was that same irritating douchey specialist from the other week.

I guess I should back up a bit since I've been MIA.

The cell-free DNA test ended up coming back inconclusive. That's right, the test that the doctor recommended and then we found out afterwards that the manufacturing company doesn't always recommend for multiples or donor eggs (and since this is surrogacy, my eggs are considered donor) - came back inconclusive. Shocking. They wanted my SIL (our surrogate) to come back in for another. She called me and gave me the update. The nurse was really pressuring my SIL to come back in for another try at this test that is only partially covered by insurance.

After thinking about it, I told my SIL not to get it. It didn't make sense. Why should she have to take extra time off from work for a test that was not going to tell us anything different than the amniocentesis that we had already decided we were doing. Why should we pay even MORE money for a test that didn't give us anything different? Why should we put her through an unnecessary poking that could very well end up being inaccurate or inconclusive. I told her to not worry about going back for the test.

And then she called back. The nurse was EXTREMELY insistent that she come back for this test. At this point I because very irritated (not at my SIL, but at this Dr.'s office.) It was clear that they wanted us to do this test to try and convince us against the amnio. I told my SIL not to stress about it and I would straighten everything out with the Dr.'s office.

Ready to rage war, I started making phone calls. First I called our old fertility clinic ACRM. Our nurse that took over our case when our original nurse was promoted was nothing short of awesome, and I wanted to ping her for her advice. Then I walked outside my office, took a deep breath, and called the specialist's office.

The nurse that spoke to my SIL was not available, but another person in the office was able to call me back fairly quick. That conversation did not go as expected. Actually - it went quite well. The nurse (I think she was a nurse - but we will call her one anyway) was awesome. She is similar in age to me and she confided that she would consider the amnio if she was in the same situation. She explained why the other test was inconclusive and agreed that if we were going with the amnio, then it was not necessary to get the cell-free DNA test - especially so close together. We talked for quite awhile and she restored my faith in this part of the process.

Hubby and I decided that maybe it would be better to have the amnio done at an office closer to us. Maybe staff at a Decatur/Atlanta office would be more professional that some of our previous encounters at the Fayetteville office (like the bad nurse my SIL talked to). Heck, I'll bet the Fayetteville office, even though quite modern and large, has never even seen a mixed Indian/Caucasian couple, much less one using surrogacy. It would be the same doctor (groan), but hopefully no sight of other staff members with similar issues. (Atlanta is completely different than most of the rest of GA.) We would still do the regular appointments closer to where my SIL lives, but we felt safer with the amnio in a more diverse setting.

Fast forward to Thursday: amnio test day. Meep.

We knew that my hubby would be about 15 minutes late due to work constraints, but we really wanted the time to be more convenient for our SIL and let her set it. So when the doctor came in after the initial ultrasound, hubby had not arrived yet. The doctor started off with "are you sure you still want to do this?" and I had to resist the urge of having a fit. Both SIL and I answered in the affirmative.

The doctor then explained that since there were twins, the first injection would have an add-on of dye. The barrel part of the syringe is interchangeable and thus one needle can be used to insert dye, screwed off, and another barrel placed on to gather the amniotic fluid. This insures that you are hitting the same place and that you don't have to puncture multiple times. The purpose of the dye is when they go to do the second amnio on twin B, they make sure they get the fluid from twin b and not twin a again. Apparently the sacs can be all over the place.

Guess what happened? 

Removing fluid for the second amnio showed blue dye. The doctor stopped and asked us if we wanted to continue. By now my husband has arrived and we have to explain what the blue dye is and what it means. It also, all of a sudden, occurs to me that 2 punctures to the same sac means we have just doubled that baby's chance of miscarriage. And the doctor says that if he hits it a third time it will triple it. And if one miscarries, then it can make the second one miscarry.

I sat shaking. Oh - and I haven't even MENTIONED how horrible this looked for my SIL. The first one didn't look painful until they removed the needle, but the second one definitely looked painful. What to do what to do? I felt paralyzed. Secretly I wished my husband would make the decision for us, but I knew that wasn't fair. My SIL turned to us and said she was fine if we wanted to continue. She continuously amazes me.

While the doctor started rambling on about some of our other options, I quietly thought to myself. There was a pause and I explained to my husband again, because I felt it had been glossed over, that the second puncture had increased the chances of miscarriage and a third would triple it. I stated it again to make sure my understanding was correct. The doctor said it was and my husband started asking more questions. Again I reach internally and quietly thought to myself.

What I realized was that my initial fears of chromosomal abnormality had not changed. I still couldn't deal with certain outcomes, but now I was increasing the chance of making a good outcome bad. And I didn't have my comforting statistics on hand to let me know what was optimal. Ultimately I internally decided that I felt we should continue. And to nut punch the doctor if he pierced the wrong sac again. My SIL reiterated she was fine to continue today.

I overheard the doctor saying we could try again in a week or two. This made ZERO sense because then you would definitely be piercing the twin A 3x (because you would have to do the dye again) and the timing would be off if we had to make other decisions. My husband turned stonecold at this point and told him "Just do it now." Hubby looked at me and I nodded my head yes.

The doctor found another area that he sounded more confident with injecting. Complete opposite side that had not been available (baby moved) previously. My husband asked him "between 0 and 100% what it your confidence rate that you won't hit Twin A a third time?" The doctor replied "Oh you can never be 100%" and didn't answer the question. Hubby repeated the question again and doctor replied "I'm very confident". Which of course we followed up with "how much is VERY???" His reply: "At LEAST 50%." Facepalm.

The doctor had to get into a weird hand position to access the third location. The dye check occurred and this time it was clear. We all breathed a big sigh, but the room was still incredibly tense. I could tell it was painful for our SIL. I watched as the doctor withdrew the amniotic fluid and saw his hands visibly shake the entire time. I have no idea if it was because he was old, nervous, or just because his hands were in a really awkward position. I decided that it would make the situation worse to announce "WTF is wrong with your hands?!?" mid-withdraw, so I stayed silent. (I did tell hubby, mommy, and SIL later.)

It was over. We were done. We asked SIL if she was ok. She said she was. Hubby ran downstairs to pharmacy because the doctors office didn't provide any after pain medicine and we didn't want her hurting on the long drive home. Tylenol was fine the staff said. SIL said she was fine, but hubby ran to get some Tylenol anyway.

My mother was waiting in the lobby when we were done. She had graciously volunteered to drive my SIL when we realized the night before that she shouldn't drive herself. Doctor's office failed to mention this. Hubby ran back downstairs and got drinks and Reese's peanut butter cups for everyone. We talked for about an hour to make sure SIL was feeling ok, before the long drive home.

At the end, we scheduled our appointment for the next ultrasound. We decided that Fridays would work best for everyone, rather than Thursdays. The front desk lady informed us that we would have a different doctor if we went on Fridays. Without getting mad, or causing a scene, I simply replied "GOOD" and she made the appointment. 

A Ferris Wheel

From: http://www.tumblr.com/tagged/devil%20in%20the%20white%20city?before=17

Recently I read: The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America, an intriguing, historical novel about the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893. While I will spare you even a brief review (ok fine, for the most part I liked it - there are you happy?), I was fascinated to get the history behind the wonderous Ferris Wheel - a staple to every decent fair I have ever known. In this well researched story, the Ferris Wheel, though only briefly mentioned, so perfectly captures the feelings that I am going through right now. From the build up of delays and potential problems to the exhilarating ride to horrible possibilities of things that can (and do) go wrong to the remorsefulness that comes with loss and success.

Similarly,
I'm nervous.
And excited.
And scared.
And guilt-ridden.

Who knew that after getting our initial hCG values (and good ones at that), that I'd still feel like a bundle of nerves? In the Land of IF*, a positive pregnancy test really is just extending the anxiety from the 2ww. Yay we are pregnant with a good hCG! Oh crap - I hope it doubles in two days. Yay it went over double! Oh crap, I hope it grows as expected by next blood test. Yay! It grew as expected! Congrats - you get a new 2ww till ultrasound, where hopefully, you will see a heartbeat. It feels like every milestone comes with new nerve-shattering waits.

But I'm also excited. For the first time ever, I'm considering shopping. On the surface that seems like a trivial thing, but as fellow IFers** know, it really isn't. There's always the thought "What if I buy something and then something goes wrong?"  In March, we have a HUGE, local community mom consignment event coming up, and if everything is still ok, then I'll feel like I can purchase some things. Not big things, but SOME things. A pleasure I have completely avoided on all of our tries (with the exception of 1 book last year). There are other things I am excited about, but the idea of allowing myself to shop is a pretty big deal.

Being scared is another emotion all together. There are so many things to worry about. Will the pregnancy make it? What if there are twins? What if there are more??? What if the baby(ies) are born early? What if there are medical problems afterwards? As the pot grows bigger, it feels like any loss would be that much more.

Lastly, I feel guilty. Of late, I have not read as many success/pregnancy/baby blogs as I normally do and even ditched a baby shower a few weeks ago that came smack in the middle of my 2ww. I just needed a break from everyone else's "Woo hoo". Quite frankly, I was trying to simultaneously prep my self for a bad outcome, while still holding out some hope. Now we have had a few "woo hoos" of our own and I think of all the other individuals out here in blog land, men and women who have been through so much more than me, still waiting. And that makes me sad. And it makes me feel guilty. Like a weird survivors guilt where circumstances could change and put me right back were I was before. Guilty for my current feelings of success that happened while I was shamefully avoiding other's.

The ride of infertility is much like that first ferris wheel created in 1893. Not only does the ferris wheel go up and down on it's circular ride, but the details before, after, and in-between can't be ignored. The marvel of it all staying together, even when massive numbers of nuts and bolts fly off, is awe-inspiring. On so many levels, each successful turn is to be admired.

*When I refer to the Land of If, I mean it from a metaphorical perspective. I am not quoting the book, but I do like to place a link to it because I feel in this phrase, Melissa Ford so perfectly captured the seclusion often felt by our community: people dealing with infertility. As such, I like to give her credit.

**IFers: people dealing with infertility. 

Sunny with a Chance of Rain

Amazing photography by zznzz
http://zznzz.deviantart.com/art/sunny-rain-259517795

130!!!

That's the hCG test results at day 12. Our GC's progesterone is 20 and estrogen is 830. That's a good solid number for 1 baby with a possibility of twins. (Could we even dare to hope?) Everything is looking great.

Well, almost everything. Shortly after the blood test this morning, our GC started spotting. I know that it's not uncommon, and it may mean nothing, but it's still scary. Add to the fact that my age group has something like a 35% miscarriage rate. Doctor's recommendation is for GC to drink plenty of fluids and rest.

I'm not going to dwell on any of that today. Today I am going to be happy. Cautiously happy - but happy happy happy.

Hoping for an uneventful 2 days followed by correct growth rate in 2 days. Stay tuned and wish us lots of baby dust. You know - the good stuff; not the cheap, crappy stuff. We need all the help we can get.

Tomorrow is the Day: Random Thoughts the Day Before

Work has been wicked busy (and good), thus I haven't had a whole lot of time to perform my usual obsessiveness during this period. With the weekend here and time so close, it's starting to creep in. I flip between wanting to look at baby stuff and then quickly switching to something else.

Tomorrow night we are celebrating my son's birthday - 21. (Holy crap - when did that happen?!?) His actual birthday is not that day, but he already had plans on his birthday (free sporting event tickets with great seats!) and I had a choose a different night. It didn't occur to me that I was choosing the night that could be either a very sad or very happy one for us. I'd hate to steal his thunder or put a damper on such an eventful birthday. Though now that I think about it, he would be thrilled at the good news. When I mentioned my poor date choice to my husband he became slightly surly and thought I was already thinking negatively; I quickly assured him I was not. 

Add dinner to tomorrows schedule of things, and then I saw that friends need help sewing costumes with a recital they are having next week. I was supposed to be in it, but I bowed out of the recital once I realized that it would be too hard with to do with the IVF cycle. Still, I had to explain that I probably couldn't help with the sewing aspects tomorrow either. I hate that, but it is what it is. Almost no one in that group is aware of our infertility problem and I can't imagine getting the phone call in the middle of all of that. Not to mention I'm sure my husband wants us to be together for that moment. 

By far this has been our best cycle and some part of me wonders if we had had the opportunity to do it here earlier (instead of India), if the results wouldn't have turned out better for the other cycles. We will never know for sure, but I suspect it may have. The cyst probably killed my first cycle and we would have waited if we weren't already in India. After the second cycle we found out that BCP lowers chances in women my age, something that is hard to avoid when you have to fly across the world and time everything. Actually, had I known that prior, I probably would have just flown out earlier and not taken any. Maybe. I'm not sure if we could have been that flexible with my husband's schedule. Who really knows except that this last cycle, which should have been the worst, was my best. By far. 

Sad to think that this is our last cycle with my eggs. Not to be Debbie-downer (I am hopeful), but if it doesn't work then we are in limbo for awhile. We will go to egg donation, but who knows when we will be able to do that or the logistics of it. While I won't feel a disconnect from any future baby we have that isn't biologically tied to me, I will feel a disconnect from my husband and his family. I don't know exactly how to explain that statement and any attempt to try would probably muddle it up even more. 

Plus , I so genuinely want to see what a mix of our genes would produce. Like most couples, I think we will/would make beautiful babies that will/would go on to do great and wonderful things. I would miss seeing the flicker of mischievousness from my Grandfather,  the possibility of light blue eyes (that have never changed due to any marriage mix), and the beauty and intelligence that I could point out from so many that came before me. Children are wonderful no matter where they come from, but there is something longing in me that wants the physical reminder of my loved ones that have passed to carry on in our future child. 

Sad to think it's our last cycle and a relief. Cycling is harder than I imagined and you have to put so many restrictions on yourself. So grateful to be able to resume wine, regular caffeine  and long hot baths. To not take a daily dose of supplements that make me rage/cry/get acne/grow more facial hair/etc.. Grateful not to have to pump more hormones and all the fun things that go with that. To not have to worry about gaining more weight; wondering if I need to buy a new wardrobe or just put my body on hold for yet a few more months. This week I was finally able to make appointments to get a cavity filled (anesthesia) and see my dermatologist (where most things Rx'd are no-nos for IVFers).  

My eggs are literally all in one basket. It can go either way. We transferred many embryos, but not more than the embryologist felt comfortable with. On one hand that makes me excited because it gives us a higher chance, on the other hand it makes sad thinking that our chances are so low to begin with that it's ok.  

Deep breath. 

Off to take a bath and think happy thoughts. If happy thoughts don't come, there's always my fallback: Grey's Anatomy. That sh#t's addictive and engrossing. Have lots to keep me busy today, so I need to get off the computer and try and dive into that. Tomorrow is the day and hopefully we will have great news. 

Question of the Day

How cruel is it that the 2ww will invariably fall right along a woman's PMS schedule?
I was totally fine until today. Gah!

60 Second Update

Embie we didn't transfer didn't make it. They left a message on my phone and I didn't feel the need to call back. It didn't upset me - not one bit - totally expected.

Tomorrow I go in for my check up appointment. I've been a little worried because I am still cramping, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I'm prone to infection AND I didn't take my doxycycline the night before my transfer like I was supposed to. Told the nurse on the day of transfer (when she asked about it). Completely slipped my mind to take it even though I told myself probably 20 times (and my husband at least 5)! Had to take it after dinner and dinner was after the reminder alarm went off. Damn you ADD. Oh well. I guess if I had to forget one medication -that was the one to forget.

G.C. says she is doing great except for a sore bum. LOL. I feel so bad for her. She told me that the night of the first shot that she kept procrastinating when her husband tried to give it to her. Made him keep practicing on the orange an hour past the time she was planning on taking it. Then when she finally got the shot she couldn't believe that she had been so worried over it that whole time. That it was nothing compared to what she had built up in her mind. Still, too many shots will give anyone sore spots. There wasn't an unbruised spot in my prime belly-shooting area by the time I was done. Hurt to wear pants. Sans pants (or skirt) probably isn't good for the office. Now that I think about it - why didn't I wear a dress???

That's it for now. Tomorrow is checkup for me and Sunday is prego test for G.C. Some moments I don't think of it at all and other times I wonder how wise it is troll craigslist for my dream crib. Well "troll" as in window shop, not as in act all douche-y. Why am I explaining myself? You all knew what I meant. I starting to ramble which means I need to hurry up and get to bed. Still a ton to do.

Night all!

The Day of Transfer

Day of transfer was Tuesday, not today (or tomorrow). We decided after a lot of careful research and serious talk, that waiting 5 days didn't buy us anything odds wise, but it did offer a bigger chance of loss. Results are pretty comparable with success rates overall. There are a few examples here and here. There are actually a ton more scholarly articles (many that are more recent) that pretty much bear out the same thing in our specific case, but that was soooooo Sunday/Monday and I'm not digging them up again.  

Rates are often viewed as higher because the result set of blastocyst are skewed with young women's eggs. I had to face facts, some embies that could make it to 3 day and be viable, may not make it to 5 day. 

Tuesday came and it was a moot point anyway, because there were clear leaders in the embryo pack. Very clear. Day 5 wasn't going to make it any different except that we could lose some that would have been perfectly fine. 

In their system, Grade 1 is the best, 4 is the worst. I've listed them in order of their quality. 

Here was the breakdown:

#1: 8 cell embryo - grade 2

#2: 8 cell embryo - grade 2

#3: 8 cell embryo - grade 3

#4: 7 cell embryo - grade 3

#5: 6 cell embryo - grade 3

#6: 5 cell embryo - grade 3

No perfects, but I can't say as I was really expecting any to be. #1 & #2 look pretty good. They won't make the cover of Embryo Monthly, but that is fine since I just made up that magazine name anyway. Now that I think about it they TOTALLY could make the cover, as long as I create the magazine and approve the cover. So not perfect, but still they look good. (I'll try posting pics of them later in the week.) 

#3 was ok. If I had to guess, I'd put it at a 3+. Almost a 2, but not quite. 

#4 was a disaster. I honestly don't know how #3 and #4 are even in the same grade based on the fragmentation.  My only assumption is that grade 4 must be when they start to darken. We didn't have any grade 4s, but since #4 was so sad, we didn't need to see the other 2. 

What ever we didn't put in they were still going to try to grow to blastocyst and then try and freeze, but we were essentially told, "don't really even consider that happening." I guess tomorrow I will call and ask anyway, but I will feel foolish doing so. But for the same reason I can't stop watching a movie even when it's bad (curiosity), I will be compelled to call. At least I know what to expect. 

That's it. Transfer went great. I was in the operating room holding my GC's hand as they implanted. She was a champ. Both the embryologist and the doctor were very pleased with the transfer. Very clean and without problems. 

2 week wait - here we come. Except I'm not sure if it is 2ww, because they are doing it at the 12 day mark. Weird. I've warned my GC that she may have to come back for a second if the one on the 27th doesn't give us enough info. 

Oh well - back to this:

Thanks for all the support and well-wishes!

Failed again

The Beta hcg levels went down to 15: chemical pregnancy, ie. failed cycle.

I knew before I even read the email. I knew when my phone went off at 2:55am to let me know that my BFF's baby made its debut. I knew yesterday when I made my limbo post yesterday, I just didn't want to believe it.

This is the part where I feel like a failure.

My husband and I hugged each other for a long time this morning, but then barely spoke after he got out of bed. As hard as this is for me, I think it's harder for him. I have a son - he does not. He has wanted children from the very beginning and I had to disclose the problems we would encounter (my cryoablation) when we had only been dating 3 weeks. His only question then was if I still produced eggs...

He can't console me and I'm not sure how to console him. A selfish part inside wants me to yell out "you can still have a biological kid - it's ME that's the problem". I wonder if his family, or even he, thinks that marrying me was a bad idea. An illogical part of me whispers that he will leave. What do I bring to the table?

I feel broken.

I can't even do the basic function of a woman.

I haven't cried and just walk around pretending everything is fine. My mom says she is devastated and wondered if this is just what clinics do to get more money out of you. I have to be the strong one and explain the plain fact that clinics in India get more money on successes than failures. Not to mention attract more clients.

Last week I signed up for a seminar tonight at my clinic here in Atlanta. It's a seminar to discuss infertility options, get a free AMH blood test, and get free one-on-one with one off the doctors. I'm curious about my AMH since the one test in India came back so low, thus I will go. Talking with a doctor will help too. I'll probably avoid sitting next to the peppy people. Shouldn't be hard. I've noticed that everyone avoids people with recent failed cycles. I guess it's like the pregnant girl in high school - they don't want to "catch" it. 

Still in Limbo

We were suppose to get the update today. We didn't. Which is not surprising, because sometimes that's just how it is. 72 hours will give a better picture of where we are at anyway.

Woke up a 4:38am and started checking email. Realized around 11am it wasn't going to come. Hopefully I will wake at a normal time tomorrow morning.

Rather than write out a long post (and rather than reread what I wrote yesterday), I will just recap what I sent to my mom this morning.

yea, I know she is looking for the hcg value to double every 48-72 hours, so she may have not been able to do the test today, knowing that tomorrow is just as good (if not better.)

Just as an FYI,

At 14 days

any value over 25 is considered pregnant. 

any value under 5 is not preg

5-25 is indeterminate

Ours was 27.44

The average for 14 days is around 100. The value doubles every 48-72 hours (for many many weeks.) If you do not see the value doubling, then it is cause for concern that the growth may have stopped. This can be from ectopic pregnancy or that the embryo has just stopped growing and the body will usually miscarry it naturally. Happens all the time and of course at my age the chances of miscarriage is higher.

So I guess we are waiting to see if it is still growing properly. From what I understand, a low value could have been caused by the embryo implanting itself a little late, or it could be the embryo that fertilized late (1 out of the 3 did.) .  Healthy babies have been born with initial low hcg values, but it significantly lowers our chances. A statistic I saw said that <35% will be successful when the value is between 25-50 at the 16 day mark. Low hcg has no bearing on the baby's health after it is born.  If it is growing slowly, then there could still be chance and they will just monitor every 2-3 days until the 5-6 week mark when an ultrasound would show if there is a gestational sack and if it is empty. At least this is how it is done in the US. I haven't asked her yet. 

Literally in limbo and I guess it could go either way.

Congratulations - you MIGHT be pregnant. Maybe. Kinda sorta.

GAH!!!!!!!!!!

GAH!!!!!!!!!!

GAH!!!!!!!!!!

Ok, I feel  a little better now.

This morning's email:

Dear Kristina,

Hello,

Beta hcg is 27.44 which is low. Report attached. We will repeat it on 8th October.

Which immediately sent me to google of course. In my bed no less. On my iPhone.

The first website that caught my eye was this one: Beta HCG levels - and how to interpret them. Good title right? That's what I thought too. Don't bother reading it. 7 paragraphs to basically communicate this: Beta HCG levels vary according to the gestational age. In a non-pregnant woman, they are less than 10 mIU/ml. They are typically about 100 mIU/ml 14 days after ovulation in a healthy singleton pregnancy. Well that was helpful said NO ONE EVER who had a low Beta hcg.

After perusing a few other websites, I get slightly more helpful information (LMP stands for last menstrual period):

weeks since LMP	mIU/mL
3	5 – 50
4	5 – 426
5	18 – 7,340
6	1,080 – 56,500
7 – 8	7,650 – 229,000
9 – 12	25,700 – 288,000
13 – 16	13,300 – 254,000
17 – 24	4,060 – 165,400
25 – 40	3,640 – 117,000
Non-pregnant females	<5.0
Postmenopausal females	<9.5

Another website says anything over 25 is considered a pregnancy. Others saying that low count could be a result of the embryo implanting a day later. 

Lots of websites say that it could be fine, but then I start googling low beta hcg level. Not a good idea. See a lot mentioned about ectopic pregnancy and other non-viable pregnancies. See anecdotal cases where everything is doubling as it should, but it takes weeks and weeks to basically conclude it's not going to happen. 

So basically we're in limbo. And it sounds like if it is a viable pregnancy, then we may be in limbo for another month. 

2ww extended. 

Here we are again - 2ww

Formula for moment of inertia
from: http://www.wikipremed.com/image.php?img=010105_68zzzz111100_12002_68.jpg&image_id=111100

I have about 100 things to write about, but right now I'm stuck with inertia over our pending results for our 2ww. My husband is out of town until Saturday night, and as much as I would like to say if the email comes tomorrow than we will wait to read it together, it's not gonna happen. If the email comes, I'll read it. This last week I've felt like a pressure cooker with every emotion beginning to boil up.

For some reason I thought it was coming on the 6th, but my husband thought it was the 7th or 8th. He remembered that the clinic is normally closed on Sundays, so if we don't get an email tomorrow then it will probably be Monday. In fact, if it isn't in by the morning, then we probably won't get it till Monday morning because of the 9 hour difference: surrogate tests should be done by my late morning time.

Truthfully, if it's bad news, it's probably best that my husband and I don't read it together. Like many men, he doesn't do well with tears and I know that this entire process is probably harder on him then it is me. At least mentally. Never-the-less, if it is bad news then I will surely cry and the last thing I need to add to his woes is my tears. Last time we went through a cycle it was super hard for him with every up and down and when we got the bad news, we could barely speak. I had prepared myself better for the bad news, but not enough that I could console him.

Last time I didn't even tell my siblings and close friends when we got the bad news. I just didn't want to talk about it. My husband called his family and I emailed my mom. She was pretty sad, so I stayed strong. A month or two later everyone else eventually came around and said "I guess it wasn't good news." By then I was already in  mode for my new cycle and had completely forgotten I didn't update anyone. This time we've told more people and gave promises of an update when we find out.

The update is hard enough, but it's the feedback that will really get me. I just don't want to have to have one-on-one conversations with each person on how they are sorry it didn't work out. Look at me. I'm already thinking the worse. I can't help it. Need to think positive thoughts. I left India on a super-positive note and I need to keep it going.

Sigh. Easier said than done. I have so many things I need to work on, but can't seem to do any of them. 2 ww. Bring it. 

What a week... wait, it's only Tuesday

Photographer: Jill Greenburg
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/popup?id=2242810

Yesterday morning, I was reading my son's facebook status and out of nowhere I burst out crying. Not a small cry, but one of those full-on crys that makes you think "thank goodness I'm alone" when it's all over.

What was the status you ask? That's the problem. I couldn't read it.

I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). The correct term is actually ADHD (the DSM-IV combined the terms years ago) and now ADD is listed as a subtype. Why do I call it by the sub-type name? ADHD is a controversial topic, thus the last thing I want is for people to say to me "that's baloney - you aren't even hyper", which means I have already lost the argument before I even have begun to explain the difference.

It's an argument I've grown weary of. Fortunately I've known doctors and people that know the reality of how hard it can be to deal with this problem; it can be soul-crushing to be honest with you. In addition to dealing with the multitude of issues it causes, I'll often run into people that will make a snarky comment or worse, self-diagnose it. Do I think it's possible that it's over-diagnosed or over-medicated? Yes, but not nearly as much as you see in the media. For every lame brain, non-researched excuse of why it's not real I can give you solid facts of why it is. It's as maddening as someone telling you that infertility is "all in your head". My absolute favorite is when a doctor (who has never studied it) jumps on the fashionable bandwagon. Thank GOD those are few and far between. Anyone that goes through the torture of not being able to process a conversation IN THE MIDDLE OF a conversation, knows the personal hell that can be ADD.

In addition to using the technically incorrect term "ADD", I also avoid calling it "Adult ADD". I've had it since I was a kid, they just didn't even know what it was back then. Mostly I was called scatterbrained, day-dreamer, or my personal favorite "not reaching her potential". I had no idea what was wrong with me and often just thought I was somehow broken. As a child it was depressing to constantly think I was crazy, lazy, you-name-it, and as an adult it is exhausting. Especially on days/weeks that I am particularly bad. I haven't taken medicine for years as the side effects far outweighed the slight benefits that it gave me, and so I have learned coping mechanisms that effectively make help me make it as a normal, bright, individual. Most of the time (unless I'm in a reading block), I manage quite well. You will never see me use it as an excuse, except on the rare occasion I have a private meltdown in a rush of frustration and insecurity.

If you are a regular reader of my blogs, you will see that I occasionally veer off topic, like I seem to be doing right here and apparently right now. Sigh. That's part of the problem.

Back to my story. 

I couldn't read my son's status. There are times I can't read. I try and it's just jumbled up and my brain won't process what I have read. Even if I read it 5x. Even if I read it 10x. It really sucks. Conversations can be the same. At work I write everything down, record meetings, and make sure anything that is important gets sent to email and immediately put on my calendar.

Having taken time off from work (after getting fired in February when asking about infertility benefits), I've gotten behind and now need to majorly study to get back in the job market. My job is one that I have to constantly stay updated. Not being able to read anything more than 3 sentences long is a MAJOR PROBLEM. Thus the realization of this yesterday morning made me have a meltdown.

This happened just when I have resolved to NOT let the EEOC decision to not pursue my case get me down (they issued me a "right to sue" document if I ever want to deal with that nightmare.) Friday I received that lovely letter, but after I read the letter more closely, I realized that my old company denied that I ever told them about infertility. Point blank said I never came to them. Stated that they had no idea I was going through infertility and denied that they had asked me directly if I had had a miscarriage when I made a statement about stress of some bullying that was causing me medical issues. (Note: I actually have proof that my boss gave me her infertility doctor's information to contact, but again, I don't know if sueing will cause me more grief than it's worth.)

In the back of my head, I think I half wondered if something had happened with my ADD that I just didn't realize. The letter let me know that it really wasn't me. My company stated it was for performance reasons, yet had not ever said there was any problem with my performance. I've won awards for stellar performances at companies before. The very week I was  fired (4 days after our 2 guys returned from paternity leave no-less), our toughest client had given me huge praises - something they never did. It wasn't me. I could be furious at my company, but it at least I receive confirmation that it wasn't me.

But that didn't help yesterday morning. I still had my meltdown. Then I noticed my period had started. Well that figures (and explains the meltdowns better). The day saw me have 2 more meltdowns. The second one  with a doctors office when I was late for an appointment, got lost (ended up being a tornado warning weather), and they cancelled me. Afterwards I had to rush to the DOL and wait hours to reschedule a missed appointment from when I was in India. (They scheduled it for me a few days prior and sent an email when I was halfway across the world.)

The third meltdown came from explaining the whole day to my husband and then simultaneously thinking about how I could be passing off this ADD to our child. I guess I'm carrying a larger load than I wanted to admit to myself. We get our 2ww results either Saturday or Monday and everything hit like a ton of bricks at once.

Today was a better day. My period makes me CRAZY and unable to handle stress for usually around 24 hours. Today seem to pass the 24 hour mark and I went to my volunteer place and was unexpectedly asked to manage 25+ volunteers. That not only helped me feel better about myself, but gave me a warm and fuzzy about helping others. I was profusely thanked by the top people at the end of the day.

2ww. Yea, I thought I was totally beating you this time. Not so much.

On a brighter note: my boobies no longer hurt. 

Bye bye India

Sniff sniff.

I met some really great people this trip: some only briefly and some were there every step of the way. (And to the cute girl asking me if she should blog - YES! I won't mention your name in case you want to end up going incognito like me, but I think it would be great if you did.) Best of luck to all my fellow IVFers and surro buddies.

Would also like to mention how much I really like our surrogate. She is a beautiful (inside and out), healthy, bright, and charming young woman. Exactly what I hoped for. Hopefully, fate will shine down on us in this and in the future.

Was happy to have a chance to see some of our family while we were here, even if only briefly. Wish we had more time, but alas it was not so.

So much to write, but I'm on my phone and need to start prepping for our long flight, so I'll cut it short for now. Made lots of notes along the way, to write for a different day.

Bye bye India. Hope to see you soon.

Things you should not read during 2WW (I mean it!)

From  http://www.fertilitynation.com

Ugh.

Supposed to get the news tomorrow, but I wouldn't be surprised if we don't hear from them till the 11th.

Looks like I need to pull out a yoga video and read my new "Mindfulness" book. 

2WW

2WW - Maybe now would be a good time not to have internet instead of the last 3 weeks.

Correction, I did HAVE internet - all that I can get on my phone for a limited data plan of 300MB for 3 weeks. You would be surprised how fast that is sucked up. Most of it I used to read other IVF/Surro buddy blogs, even if I usually couldn't leave a comment. So yes I have been reading everyone and going through it all - sorry I couldn't write more on your pages!

We arrived back yesterday around 1pm and rather than instantly get online, I took a nap. And another. And another. Pretty soon it was 3:45AM and I was up for the day. Took another nap around 7am, but been running around since then. Hopefully it won't take my usual 5-7 days to adjust to the jet-lag.

Rather than obsess over 2ww, I did other things today. Most notably the research to become a PIO (Person of Indian Orgin). Apparently spouses are allowed to apply. We shall see. Some of it's kind of grey, but it would be nice if I didn't have to worry about the restrictions of my visa for traveling back and forth to India.

That's it for now. Congrats and Hugs to all of those whom I wasn't able to post to during my trip abroad.