Choosing Names and Swedish Etiquette

Hubby mentioned the other day that maybe we should consider my  Swedish Grandmother's name for a middle name for our girl. (All of my grandparents have passed away.) After all, I was named after my grandmother.  I'm fairly certain that hubby either didn't know or didn't remember that both of my grandmothers' names are extremely old-fashioned on any Continent. And not in that cool "old is new" way either. We both said no when I reminded him of the name. I looked at her middle name too, but it is easily confused with an alcoholic drink, so we marked that off the list. We don't want our baby to have a built in nickname for her college years. 

My other grandmother's name wasn't even a consideration since other family members already have it (and hate it). Her middle name is too similar to my ex-friend's that I previously blogged about. A few weeks after my blog post about said ex-friend and her awful treatment towards us, we had an opportunity to communicate via email and it did not go well. Long story short, I'm glad I was finally able to get everything off my chest about the hurt she has caused, but evidently she does not want to accept, acknowledge or apologize for any of it. Needless to say I don't want this constant reminder when saying my child's name. 

That lead me to think of my Swedish grandmother's sister name. It is beautiful and I have always loved it. She is still alive and well, and I'm hoping she will be able to make a possible visit in Sept as has been hinted by some family members. Her daughters have chosen other names for their babies, so I don't think there would be a problem with that. She's all sorts of awesome, and has the cutest pure white page-boy hair cut you have ever seen. When we visited Sweden in 2011, you could see my Grandfather was visibly upset, even in his dementia, when a younger man started hitting on my Great-Aunt. 

So here's the big question: is it ok to use someone else's first name as a middle name for your baby if the person is still alive? Do you ask first? I know here in America it would be perfectly fine, but I would HATE to do a major etiquette faux-pas towards my Swedish family. Have searched high and low and can't seemed to find any information on it. If I ask they are likely to say it is fine; they don't really tell us when we do something offensive as Americans and it is clear we didn't know any better. This is kinda an important one though (versus leaving my shoes on while visiting), so I'd like to get it right.

If you have any inside knowledge of if this is ok to do for Swedes (Tandoori Viking - I'm looking at you!) or Europeans in general, let me know. It's taken us FOR-EVA to decide on a girl's name and if it's not ok to use, then we better think fast on our second choice names. 

Tack Tack (Thanks thanks!) 

AP2B

Got Twins? Help a Sista Out

From: http://makingmade.com/2012/11/10/day-313-lyric-lettering/

So I thought I'd be ok. Figure out what I needed 2 of, figure out what can be shared, read through recommendations, and then I would be all set. Except with twins, it's not all easy-peasy-logical like that. Things don't fit all nice and neat into categories and some things cross over with twins that don't for parents of singletons. Plus, information specific to twins is a tad on the sparse side; unless you don't have a job, social life, or hobbies. All of which I do have  (yes - I am very aware a lot of that will change come this fall).

Price is an issue. We don't need the most expensive items, nor could we afford it. We don't get the luxury of handing things down to the next sibling. My ideas of a slightly fancy crib with all the ooh-la-la etchings of high-end, wood furniture has gone out the window with the new requirement of 2 simultaneous cribs.

That's not to say I want everything cheap and of suspect quality. Having had a child 21 years ago (oh-my-god just writing that), I am keenly aware that sometimes you have to spend money to save money. And then there are times where cheaper sometimes = less safe, not a description you want with your baby products.

Then there are space issues. Car trunk space issues. Bedroom space issues. Sitting on the couch but there isn't room for 2 things on the floor by the coffee table space issues. Arm space issues. The list goes on and on.

So what's a girl to do?

Instinctively, I reached for the book Baby Bargains (8th edition) a few months back when I was at a large consignment sale. This was at the beginning of the pregnancy and may have even been before we knew we had twins. The book was chocked full of good information, but I realized that it was an older edition and that several safety things had changed since it's 2009 publication. That lead me to purchase the kindle version of the latest edition. (DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, purchase the kindle edition. Hopefully I will remember to post the long list why later.) Suffice to say, that I realized that it, as well as other resources, was lacking in areas that would be important to parents of twins.

What sort of things? I'm glad you asked!!! (I'll even happier if someone has some answers!) Here are some examples from my over-active imagination:

• Infant carrier car seats. Part of the consideration of these things is weight. While a 30lb carrier (not including baby weight) might be ok to manage going up the stairs to my front door, 2 of these things would not be. Do I just go for the convertible car seats that accommodate infants? The biggest complaint of these (for infants) is that baby wakes up when you remove them (since you can't take the entire thing out each time), but honestly I don't think I'll be able to carry two of the infant car seats every time I leave my car sans hubby. As much as I'd like to see my jiggly arms tone up, I suspect this may not be the best plan. 
• On that note: what about strollers? Do I go for the strollers that fit the infant car seats or has my previous concern just eliminate them? Side-by-side strollers or front back? Front back facing or non-facing. Which is going to fit better in our car trunks? I know one of us will eventually have to upgrade to a bigger vehicle (please let it be hubby, please let it be hubby), but considering my car was bought in 2010 and hubby's was bought last year - that ain't happening soon. (All those pesky IVF/Surro expenses and son's college expenses.)
• What about carriers? I grabbed some groovy sling/wrap/boho-whatever-you-call-them at a consignment sale, but I'm guessing that after a few months we will need something a bit sturdier that won't kill my back. I'm only 5'3 and 115lbs. (Ok fine - 123 lbs, but I will get back to my pre-IVF weight soon. Whatever.) What carriers work well when carrying two??? Or do you need one for front and one for back? In that case, what one is safe on your back?
• Bouncers. Do I need to worry about the elevated head sleep thing for twins? I hear it's common. I've already fallen in love with this ghastly, overpriced Babybjorn Babysitter bouncer that I'm fairly certain we HAVE TO HAVE. Have found a possible used connection for one, but I have no idea how well these things handle up over time. If need be, this will probably be my splurge item. I'm obsessed with them. 

If you are a parent of twins - what were your MUST HAVE items? How many sheets is a good number to have? (Just popped in my head.) How did you address the issues above? What am I forgetting?

HELP A SISTA OUT. I'm beginning to bug out. OK FINE. Bug out more than normal. OK FINE. I never really was normal. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? 

P.S. Please help. 

Update: Fat Babies, My Cat Passing, Best Friend Moving, and Father's Day

We went to the OB/GYN and the perinatologist on 06/17. The later meaning ultrasound time! Babies are looking good and each are fatter than a singleton counterpart would be at the same gestation period. At least according to the nurse. Really, what I think she was saying was "not to worry -their size is pretty great."

We were just 1 day shy of the 23 week mark at 1lb 6oz for the girl and 1lb 5oz for the boy. According to fetus growth measurement calculators  that puts them right about at the 55-60 percentile that a singleton would be. For now, I'm calling them my fat ass babies and it makes me happy. Is it wrong for me to think of the girl as a little more bossy than the boy already? Nah - I imagine all different ways they will be - this is just the flavor of the week.

Girl Bean is already behaving naughty and flipped into breech position. She also seems to be hyper and dancy-dancy whenever the cameras come round (ie, ultrasound). Doc says this is ok for now and either one may flip several times before they settle in. Since boy is closer to the cervix, I think it is most important that he not be in breech when the time comes. If SIL is able to have a vaginal delivery, then they can flip the girl if needed and if the doctors think it is ok.

In sadder news, my beloved calico passed away last Thursday. Won't go into the whole sad story, because it's still too hard, but suffice to say she was 18 years old and it was her time. Realized afterwards that I have lived with my beloved girl (17+ years) longer than I have lived with any other living thing; including my parents and my son.

She was a crotchety cat from the day I got her (probably part feral) and I loved every bone in her body. The only living things she liked in this world were occasionally me and often my other cat. Both friendships took years to cultivate. (Conversely, my boy cat loves almost everyone except the un-neutered male that accidentally roamed into our house one day.)

Even with a house full of animals (2 cats and 3 dogs) we would mange to have alone time when I would take my baths in the evening. She would sneak up into our room on the top floor of our house (where animals aren't really allowed according to Daddy) and I would give her the special bowl of bath water she requested for consumption. She always had a thing for bathwater and I never quite knew why. She even "showed" our other cat one night and snuck him in to the forbidden area. He sniffed it and seemed unimpressed, so it remained our personal ritual. Between laps of water she would peek her head over the bathtub for some scratches, a rarity for her as she normally didn't like more than a few touches at one time.

She will be missed.

In other sad news, my BFF moved on Friday. She's the most awesome girl in the world. Both my husband and I adored her and her husband- and really - how often does that happen? She had a baby last year and has been my rock through all of my infertility (and before!). Seeing her baby never made me sad once. He was awesome and I loved spending time with all of them. We've all promised to visit each other often, and I think we will, but I know that sometimes changes when babies come. At least I will see her in August. She coming to throw me a baby shower. YES SHE IS THAT AWESOME.

Last but not least - Happy Father's Day out there to all you new dads, all you dad hopefuls, and all those wonderful Dads of past and present that have guided each and every one of us. My father died when I was very young (3 years old), but my mom married my Step Dad when I was 19/20 and I think he super rocks. Even when he is grumpy which is frequent and funny to me. Kinda like my cat was. 

Question of the Week: What's Up with Short-Term Disability Insurance?

Sooooooooo, filling out my new employee forms, the old "do you want to pay for short-term disability insurance?" question popped up. This option wasn't available with my first pregnancy (read: I had no insurance way back then), thus this is a completely new path for me. My current options for it are about $40 a month for the 7 day exclusion option  or $20 for the 30 day exclusion option.

I remembered that other women I know mentioned using it during their maternity leave, so it begs the question: Can I? My quick fingers googled on my iPhone for answers  (it popped in my head while I was at work and I HAD TO KNOW then). Alas, the results were not very helpful. Most of the answers applied towards the surrogate mother and not the intended parent (IP). Switched to googling about people who adopt and one answer returned that they could not. STD benefits (I giggle every time see the acronym) used in the context of maternity leave is allowed because of a woman's need to recover physically. That said - tiny print on a phone, especially when most of the results are on forums, is not full of awesome.

The uncertainty made me think I should to ask a professional, which was great because we already needed to contact our attorney about the next steps. She had told us that if we were successful with IVF then we would need to petition the court to have my name put on the birth certificate (instead of our GC's) during our 2nd trimester. We kept forgetting except at times where emailing/calling her wasn't practical, and thus having this questions (and wanting a fast answer) reminded and motivated us to contact her ASAP.

Side note: attorneys for this process is NOT cheap. This was a cost we didn't account for well. In India it was either included or only a few hundred dollars extra. We naively thought since my SIL was our GC that we would not need an attorney, but our fertility clinic informed us to the contrary. Our total cost for this is around $6500 as explained at the bottom here, with our second payment coming up.

The email I sent was as follows (with the boring parts taken out):

I have a quick question that I think I know the answer to, but maybe you could shed some light. I'm filling out my new employee forms for a job and I have the option to take short term disability.  I know pregnant women often use short term disability to receive partial pay while they are on maternity leave, but I'm not sure if we can use it in our case - or if it's even considered a pre-existing condition. Since it could make such a big difference for us, I want to make sure before I turn it down. I don't think I qualify for FMLA since I haven't been employed for a year. I've been a contractor for 6+months, but was just converted to employee status last week.

The email she sent back was hopeful, but I'm still a little wary:

If you have the opportunity to obtain short term disability, I would suggest you take it.  Yes, many mothers use it for maternity leave and I see no reason why it would not be applicable to you!   Call if you would like to discuss.

So I emailed her this:

Great thanks! When would be a good time to call? For some reason I was under the impression that it applied for maternity leave because the mother goes through something physical (body recovering), but that it didn't apply just for care of children (like adoption). Also wasn't sure if it would be considered pre-existing.

While I'm waiting for our discussion (is it possible she hasn't been asked this before?), I wanted to check in with you guys. For those of you that have used adoption or surrogacy, what was your experience? How does pre-existing conditions fit into all of this? For the ladies out there - did it change if you induced lactation? For the gay men out there: did you get to use short term disability?

Curious minds want to know. (Plus there really does seem to be very little info on it out there - at least if you can't sift through hours and hours of forum stuff that doesn't apply to you.)

Thanks in advance my peoples of the interwebz!

Yo - What's the Haps?

It's a tale as old as blogs. I've been MIA. I've even started posts offline, only to never finish them. (Ok, technically it was only one - BUT I've thought of a bunch of others.) I've lurked. Not on purpose mind you, but the feeder app on my iPhone doesn't do a great job of posting comments and so neither do I of late.

Ya, ya, ya - so what's the haps? Current status: GREAT. All scary tests have come back normal. YAY!!!!!

We are at 21 weeks and 4 days and everything is lookin' good so far.

Surro is having major stress with other family stuff, but she is holding up like a champ. She's a GD saint and all I can say is that I wish a plague on the horrible person causing her pain - except that plague would hurt other people I love, so I guess I really don't. But maybe I do because that person always hurts other people and she's sure to hurt the people I love again. Shew. Life sure is complicated.

We manged to live through our announcements. First we told family and any close friends that weren't already in the know. Ok - that's a lot, but the response was generally good. Oddly enough I didn't really get much response from my Dad's side of the family that lives here in the US (Dad died when I was 3), but got great response from the ones in Sweden. All of hubbinez's family was super-duper-uber excited. So was my mom's side of the family - but most of them already knew.

Next we made the dreaded FB post. That actually went WAAAAYYYYYYYY better than expected.

At first I posted this video:

Mostly because I love Min Pins and this cracked me up as a baby announcement. Apparently no one viewed it or "got it" but that was ok because seconds later...

.... hubbinez was so excited about making the announcement (he had been telling people all week) that he made me do a joint word post, where we hit the POST button at exactly the same time. Because we are corny like that. It went something like this:

"On Mother's day it is fitting that we make our announcement that we are expecting twins. This would not have been possible if it wasn't for another wonderful mother, my SIL <insert name here> . Unable to carry our biological children myself, and after unsuccessful tries elsewhere, she selflessly offered to be our gestational carrier. Words can not express our gratitude over this incredible gift."

Hubbinez was as giddy as a school boy.

I haven't told my work yet, but that's because there has been a snafu with converting me from contractor status to employee status. Technically I am now an employee, but everything isn't final in all the systems, so it makes me nervous. I'm going to feel like an arse when I have to tell them about taking time off - which incidentally the due date is 1 day off from my boss' new wife. I'm sure he's going to freak, but because of my last disaster with getting fired when I told them about starting a family, I want to at least be protected by law this time.

In other haps - I am doing a sleep study next week. I've always had problems with not feeling like I get enough sleep (even when I do!), so no time like the present (ie., pre-twin birth) to try and figure this stuff out. We are off to a good start. Initial blood work from PCP showed that I have a big vitamin D deficiency.

That's a big one with sleep and immune problems, which makes sense since I've been sick so many times in the last year I lost count. With Vitamin D the doctor is looking for any number above a 29. Mine was 18. :-/  Apparently all that sun block wasn't so great for me. Except the whole wrinkle thing. I'm ok with the past trade off, but had to find another option for the future. Yay for supplements! 2000 IUIs a day! At least the past year has prepped me for that.

Srsly, I have to be the only girl whose doctor tells her to go get some sun WITHOUT sun block. Ok, maybe not, but it's not something I have ever heard before. And so I went out in the sun the other day without sunblock on anything except my face for the recommended 15 minutes. Then I slathered on the sunblock. The glare from my legs are still intact!

That's it for tonight. I need to post right away, sans editing, lest it fall by the wayside. Holy crap - it's 11:30pm. Gotta go take a bath and go to bed. Night all!

Making Announcements - Getting Personal

The time is getting close where we will start making our announcements to friends and family that aren't already in the know. I think...

http://mashable.com/2012/04/18/social-media-and-the-news/

We keep putting it off. At first we wanted to wait until after the first trimester when the risk of miscarriage was still quite high. Week 13 rounded the corner and we decided to wait until we saw the specialist. Once that occurred we were introduced to all the bad things that could happen and decided to wait until after the initial tests. Then we wanted to wait for more tests (ie, the amnio). We still haven't gotten the results from that yet, but we expect them and another ultrasound this week. If all goes well, we will start widening our circle of who we tell.

But when do we make the announcement to our big group of friends??? Is that something you do on facebook? That would seem weird, but it would be equally weird to deal with people who want to know WHY we didn't let them know, when they start (hopefully) seeing baby pictures. Perhaps even more so. My worrying mind can just imagine people thinking "didn't we just see her at so-and-so's drinking wine, flat belly and all?" (Ok "flat belly" may be an exaggeration, because after 3 IVF treatments in 1 year my belly is no longer flat, but I am working on it.)

Ahhhhhh and all the questions we will get from so many people. I don't mind them from our-close friends and family - heck most of them already know my SIL is our surrogate or at least know that we have been trying with surrogacy - but what about the regular friends? We have A LOT. The idea of people publicly posting awkward questions or privately emailing me in droves, and then imagining people gossiping behind my back, is quite horrifying. Even if they don't. Which they will, because it's human nature.

Plus - I really don't like people knowing my business unless it's on my terms. The idea explaining I had cryoablation surgery many years ago (and many other things) makes me cringe. Not explaining it means people will ask if we adopted, or worse, will think my husband cheated. (Not that there is something wrong with adoption,but it is a particularly hard discussion for me because of my own history with it. For the record, I think adoption can be wonderful.) From what I can tell, very few people know the ins-and-outs of IVF and even less know about surrogacy. I'm sure some people would even privately wonder "did she just not want to get pregnant?" as I see written over and over in comment sections of India surrogacy articles.

On the other hand, I think it's important to share my story; if not just to help others. Recently I had a male friend get married and I realized that they would want to have kids. The wife just turned 40 and I could tell that they didn't have the faintest idea what AMA was. Even a friend whose wife went through IUI a few years ago (took on the first try, but they had several miscarriages prior to that) seemed blissfully unaware of the difference between a woman getting pregnant at 38 and one getting pregnant at 41. They were talking about putting off the second child for another year or two. Of course both of these friends I gave the 5 minute run-down, but forcing your experience down someone else's throat is quite different than someone else reading your story because they want to. In fact, I distinctly remember being MAJORLY offended when various women told us that we better get it in gear if we wanted kids. (Ahhhhh - how naive we were back then!)

Oddly enough, I happily shared my story with the lady at the bank the other day who was genuinely interested. It started out simple enough when I was getting our house re-fi papers notarized and the bank lady asked if we were planning on having any children.  Not having told many others I was ready to burst with the news to SOMEONE that we have twins on the way. Still, I didn't want to startle the woman so I eased into it with the ole ego-boosting  "well I have I 21-year old" that always gives me the shock face I adore (wasn't always the case).

From there, the conversation naturally slipped into "we have twins on the way" which led to surrogacy, then our India adventure, and then explaining the entire IVF process. She was a young lady (26) and apologized for being nosy, but she was so sweet and thoughtful in her questions. She explained her aunt was in her late 30's and seemed sad that she may never have kids. She also explained that some women in her family were pressuring her to have more kids now, while she could, even though she wasn't ready. In the end, she told me I should be on Lifetime to help other women. (Her manager had been on Lifetime for something else - lol.) That conversation was so easy and the young lady made me feel great, but I know that isn't always the case in these situations.

The easy answer to addressing friends' questions would be to point them to this blog, but I really don't feel comfortable with that. At all. I've been brutally honest here and I don't need casual acquaintances knowing things of my past or people scouring through to see if they are mentioned. That's a can of worms that I really don't need on any level. I have very close friends that I have never mentioned here and at least one that I have spoken unfavorably about. This is a blog of my experience, the good and the bad, and rather than worry about what I write in the future or sanitizing things I have written in the past, I'd prefer to keep it that way.

So what do you think? How do I tell the masses? We are fortunate enough to have quite a large social circle, mostly because of my husband, but that certainly leads to uncomfortable situations about things such as this. What to do what to do? What would you do (or what did you do)? Any advice is surely appreciated. 

Drum Roll Please

What I failed to mention the other day is some pretty exciting news. During our amnio, the nurse asked if we wanted to know the sex of the babies. While I realize it's a bit early, she seemed fairly confident in her assessment.

http://cakesdecor.com/cakes/11833

Drum Roll Please.

..................

................

............

One boy and one girl. 

Hooray!!!