Sunday, July 15, 2012

"Assume" makes an...

When I first started reading IVF blogs, I came across an elegantly written piece about why adoption was not the choice for everyone and how the poster was sick of people suggesting it. It was long post, and I wish I remembered who wrote it, but it was good. Really, really good. The post outlined perfectly why not only was it not an option for them and the reasons why it was not an option for many, but also how the constant mention added hurt to an already very difficult time.

That's what I felt like yesterday with yet another hint that we should consider donor eggs. 

I'm sure it wasn't intentional, the person probably thought they were being helpful - they weren't. At this time, egg donation is not an option for us. Period. Maybe that will change if I have additional failed cycles and other things fall into place, but 1 failed cycle does not = go straight to donor eggs for us. 1 failed cycle that I may add, produced a high grade embryo. I may not have responded as well as we had hoped, but that's what 1st cycles are all about - right? Learn how you respond and adjust.

Both my husband and I are educated people and we know exactly where we stand with odds. We are fortunate enough to have access to published information that is reserved for academics in the field, are avid researchers, and even have access to data that very few others are privy to. If anything, one can say I have analyzed data to death as data is my field of expertise. We do not even look at data the way a layperson does because we have a statistical and data background that let's us read beyond sheer numbers. We are well aware of EXACTLY where we stand. 

Besides the warm and fuzzy of having your own genetic child, we have bigger issues on why it's not an option: my husband is not a US citizen. We live in the US. An egg donor means our child would not be a US citizen and we could run into some very serious issues of not being able to return to the US or a child visa expiring while we are in the US. There are 20 things that could go wrong and quite frankly the added cost of it all (me not being able to work while this thing sorts out) is too much of a limbo for us. To badly paraphrase the great Jack Nicholas, "Go sell limbo somewhere else, we're all stocked up here". 

We could wait for my husband to become a citizen, but that can take a lot of time and his international travel could be limited during the process. That may or may not cause issues with his work and it would certainly cut out travel to India, something we would prefer not to do at the moment given his parents are elderly, have had health issues, and live in India. 

There are a TON more issues of WHY we choose to try to use my eggs right now and quite frankly I don't feel like listing them all at the moment. Between a baby shower and a email yesterday, I'm spent. The email was from a popular clinic and even though I have never worked with them before and have only had 1 failed IVF, there was a blatant suggestion that I consider the egg donor route. I'm sure it wasn't meant this way, but it felt the same way that all of us IVF'ers do when someone suggests that we quit being selfish and go adopt a needy child. It's not one of our current options and people shouldn't assume that it is. 

I seriously thought my tears were going to flow in front of everyone when I naively and happily opened that email from the clinic. In the middle of the baby shower no less. Let me clarify that I think the egg donor route is an excellent option for many people and I fully support that decision, - but for now it is not for us. 


  1. I agree adoption is not for everyone. My foster mom adopted and wants more than anything for me to have my own. It does make a difference. I am a new reader of your blog. Feel free to check mine at

    1. I think adoption is wonderful, but like using an egg donor, it's just not an option for us at this juncture for a multitude of reasons.
      I really wish I knew where that original post was. It was very impressive. I'll be sure to check out your blog!

  2. I think I remember the same post you are referring to, the one about why adoption wasn't their option. I tried to remember who it was but I can't. Maybe Carry Jo at Procreated in India? Hmmm... Have to meditate on this indeed :D

    1. Not sure, but she does have an excellent one on it. Find it here:

  3. Is it this one?

    Or this one?

  4. Was it this one?

    Adoption is great, but not for everyone. You have to do what is right for your situation. As long as you and your husband agree on the path that's going to work for you, I suggest you tell everyone else to "Shove it!" Not very ladylike, I know. But, I bet it causes them to pipe down.

    1. Nope. I think it was an American one.
      We aren't really having a problem with people asking about adoption, more egg donor stuff. I was trying to draw a parallel because the original writer pointed out many reasons why she was fed up with people asking about it. I feel the same with with egg donor stuff right now. It's not an option, so I bristle (overly so) when people tell me I'm old and should consider it.


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