Sunny with a Chance of Rain

Amazing photography by zznzz
http://zznzz.deviantart.com/art/sunny-rain-259517795

130!!!

That's the hCG test results at day 12. Our GC's progesterone is 20 and estrogen is 830. That's a good solid number for 1 baby with a possibility of twins. (Could we even dare to hope?) Everything is looking great.

Well, almost everything. Shortly after the blood test this morning, our GC started spotting. I know that it's not uncommon, and it may mean nothing, but it's still scary. Add to the fact that my age group has something like a 35% miscarriage rate. Doctor's recommendation is for GC to drink plenty of fluids and rest.

I'm not going to dwell on any of that today. Today I am going to be happy. Cautiously happy - but happy happy happy.

Hoping for an uneventful 2 days followed by correct growth rate in 2 days. Stay tuned and wish us lots of baby dust. You know - the good stuff; not the cheap, crappy stuff. We need all the help we can get.

Tomorrow is the Day: Random Thoughts the Day Before

Work has been wicked busy (and good), thus I haven't had a whole lot of time to perform my usual obsessiveness during this period. With the weekend here and time so close, it's starting to creep in. I flip between wanting to look at baby stuff and then quickly switching to something else.

Tomorrow night we are celebrating my son's birthday - 21. (Holy crap - when did that happen?!?) His actual birthday is not that day, but he already had plans on his birthday (free sporting event tickets with great seats!) and I had a choose a different night. It didn't occur to me that I was choosing the night that could be either a very sad or very happy one for us. I'd hate to steal his thunder or put a damper on such an eventful birthday. Though now that I think about it, he would be thrilled at the good news. When I mentioned my poor date choice to my husband he became slightly surly and thought I was already thinking negatively; I quickly assured him I was not. 

Add dinner to tomorrows schedule of things, and then I saw that friends need help sewing costumes with a recital they are having next week. I was supposed to be in it, but I bowed out of the recital once I realized that it would be too hard with to do with the IVF cycle. Still, I had to explain that I probably couldn't help with the sewing aspects tomorrow either. I hate that, but it is what it is. Almost no one in that group is aware of our infertility problem and I can't imagine getting the phone call in the middle of all of that. Not to mention I'm sure my husband wants us to be together for that moment. 

By far this has been our best cycle and some part of me wonders if we had had the opportunity to do it here earlier (instead of India), if the results wouldn't have turned out better for the other cycles. We will never know for sure, but I suspect it may have. The cyst probably killed my first cycle and we would have waited if we weren't already in India. After the second cycle we found out that BCP lowers chances in women my age, something that is hard to avoid when you have to fly across the world and time everything. Actually, had I known that prior, I probably would have just flown out earlier and not taken any. Maybe. I'm not sure if we could have been that flexible with my husband's schedule. Who really knows except that this last cycle, which should have been the worst, was my best. By far. 

Sad to think that this is our last cycle with my eggs. Not to be Debbie-downer (I am hopeful), but if it doesn't work then we are in limbo for awhile. We will go to egg donation, but who knows when we will be able to do that or the logistics of it. While I won't feel a disconnect from any future baby we have that isn't biologically tied to me, I will feel a disconnect from my husband and his family. I don't know exactly how to explain that statement and any attempt to try would probably muddle it up even more. 

Plus , I so genuinely want to see what a mix of our genes would produce. Like most couples, I think we will/would make beautiful babies that will/would go on to do great and wonderful things. I would miss seeing the flicker of mischievousness from my Grandfather,  the possibility of light blue eyes (that have never changed due to any marriage mix), and the beauty and intelligence that I could point out from so many that came before me. Children are wonderful no matter where they come from, but there is something longing in me that wants the physical reminder of my loved ones that have passed to carry on in our future child. 

Sad to think it's our last cycle and a relief. Cycling is harder than I imagined and you have to put so many restrictions on yourself. So grateful to be able to resume wine, regular caffeine  and long hot baths. To not take a daily dose of supplements that make me rage/cry/get acne/grow more facial hair/etc.. Grateful not to have to pump more hormones and all the fun things that go with that. To not have to worry about gaining more weight; wondering if I need to buy a new wardrobe or just put my body on hold for yet a few more months. This week I was finally able to make appointments to get a cavity filled (anesthesia) and see my dermatologist (where most things Rx'd are no-nos for IVFers).  

My eggs are literally all in one basket. It can go either way. We transferred many embryos, but not more than the embryologist felt comfortable with. On one hand that makes me excited because it gives us a higher chance, on the other hand it makes sad thinking that our chances are so low to begin with that it's ok.  

Deep breath. 

Off to take a bath and think happy thoughts. If happy thoughts don't come, there's always my fallback: Grey's Anatomy. That sh#t's addictive and engrossing. Have lots to keep me busy today, so I need to get off the computer and try and dive into that. Tomorrow is the day and hopefully we will have great news. 

Question of the Day

How cruel is it that the 2ww will invariably fall right along a woman's PMS schedule?
I was totally fine until today. Gah!

60 Second Update

Embie we didn't transfer didn't make it. They left a message on my phone and I didn't feel the need to call back. It didn't upset me - not one bit - totally expected.

Tomorrow I go in for my check up appointment. I've been a little worried because I am still cramping, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I'm prone to infection AND I didn't take my doxycycline the night before my transfer like I was supposed to. Told the nurse on the day of transfer (when she asked about it). Completely slipped my mind to take it even though I told myself probably 20 times (and my husband at least 5)! Had to take it after dinner and dinner was after the reminder alarm went off. Damn you ADD. Oh well. I guess if I had to forget one medication -that was the one to forget.

G.C. says she is doing great except for a sore bum. LOL. I feel so bad for her. She told me that the night of the first shot that she kept procrastinating when her husband tried to give it to her. Made him keep practicing on the orange an hour past the time she was planning on taking it. Then when she finally got the shot she couldn't believe that she had been so worried over it that whole time. That it was nothing compared to what she had built up in her mind. Still, too many shots will give anyone sore spots. There wasn't an unbruised spot in my prime belly-shooting area by the time I was done. Hurt to wear pants. Sans pants (or skirt) probably isn't good for the office. Now that I think about it - why didn't I wear a dress???

That's it for now. Tomorrow is checkup for me and Sunday is prego test for G.C. Some moments I don't think of it at all and other times I wonder how wise it is troll craigslist for my dream crib. Well "troll" as in window shop, not as in act all douche-y. Why am I explaining myself? You all knew what I meant. I starting to ramble which means I need to hurry up and get to bed. Still a ton to do.

Night all!

The Day of Transfer

Day of transfer was Tuesday, not today (or tomorrow). We decided after a lot of careful research and serious talk, that waiting 5 days didn't buy us anything odds wise, but it did offer a bigger chance of loss. Results are pretty comparable with success rates overall. There are a few examples here and here. There are actually a ton more scholarly articles (many that are more recent) that pretty much bear out the same thing in our specific case, but that was soooooo Sunday/Monday and I'm not digging them up again.  

Rates are often viewed as higher because the result set of blastocyst are skewed with young women's eggs. I had to face facts, some embies that could make it to 3 day and be viable, may not make it to 5 day. 

Tuesday came and it was a moot point anyway, because there were clear leaders in the embryo pack. Very clear. Day 5 wasn't going to make it any different except that we could lose some that would have been perfectly fine. 

In their system, Grade 1 is the best, 4 is the worst. I've listed them in order of their quality. 

Here was the breakdown:

#1: 8 cell embryo - grade 2

#2: 8 cell embryo - grade 2

#3: 8 cell embryo - grade 3

#4: 7 cell embryo - grade 3

#5: 6 cell embryo - grade 3

#6: 5 cell embryo - grade 3

No perfects, but I can't say as I was really expecting any to be. #1 & #2 look pretty good. They won't make the cover of Embryo Monthly, but that is fine since I just made up that magazine name anyway. Now that I think about it they TOTALLY could make the cover, as long as I create the magazine and approve the cover. So not perfect, but still they look good. (I'll try posting pics of them later in the week.) 

#3 was ok. If I had to guess, I'd put it at a 3+. Almost a 2, but not quite. 

#4 was a disaster. I honestly don't know how #3 and #4 are even in the same grade based on the fragmentation.  My only assumption is that grade 4 must be when they start to darken. We didn't have any grade 4s, but since #4 was so sad, we didn't need to see the other 2. 

What ever we didn't put in they were still going to try to grow to blastocyst and then try and freeze, but we were essentially told, "don't really even consider that happening." I guess tomorrow I will call and ask anyway, but I will feel foolish doing so. But for the same reason I can't stop watching a movie even when it's bad (curiosity), I will be compelled to call. At least I know what to expect. 

That's it. Transfer went great. I was in the operating room holding my GC's hand as they implanted. She was a champ. Both the embryologist and the doctor were very pleased with the transfer. Very clean and without problems. 

2 week wait - here we come. Except I'm not sure if it is 2ww, because they are doing it at the 12 day mark. Weird. I've warned my GC that she may have to come back for a second if the one on the 27th doesn't give us enough info. 

Oh well - back to this:

Thanks for all the support and well-wishes!

6 Embies

We have 6 embryos. We will see how many continue. (4 of the eggs were immature). The embryologist said if they do well, then they might consider doing a 5 day transfer instead. We told her that we are not sure if we want to take that risk and to have the doctor call us tomorrow when we know more on how they are doing. 

Pros of going to 5 day: out of the embryos that survive, you can choose the very best ones to implant, resulting in a higher rate of pregnancy.

Cons of going to 5 day: embryos that could result in a pregnancy may not make it to 5 day outside of the womb. We could lose them all and have nothing to transfer. 

Trying to get less excited. It's hard. 

Holy Crap

All of my past complaining of IVF in the US (especially in comparison to India), is suspended. Hopefully indefinitely.   For today I had 13 eggs retrieved. You read right. 13. I didn't even have that many follicles called out 2 days ago, though I suspected that the smaller ones on the left ovaries weren't called out simply due to their size.

Up until today, I've remained relatively flat regarding our outcome. Neither over excited nor pessimistic. Part of this is due to the busy schedule I have had to keep, part of it has been less time to obsessively research, and part has been that it's my 3rd cycle. People who have undergone multiple cycles know exactly what I mean by that last part.

Today I cried when the doctor told me. My husband wasn't there yet, and even though I clearly heard the doctor when he told me, I asked him to repeat himself. I asked the nurse again when she checked on me and told her I might cry. She brought me a tissue.

I'm tearing up as I type this.

Today I don't feel flat. I'm somewhat scared about how much hope I have right now. We have no idea how many will fertilize, but I'm still in shock over how many we have. For the first time "freezing embryos" and "blastocyst" are suddenly possible options for us.

UPDATE: Now I'm nervous again. Just realized that 13 doesn't necessarily mean 13. Some times eggs don't/aren't mature and your original number goes down. We've never run into this prior - the number we got was always the number we got. Sigh. Why does this always have to be such a damn roller-coaster?