Yesterday sucked. Really really sucked. We had our Day 6 scan and it revealed only 4 follicles maturing on one side and 2 tiny ones on the other one. Basically I'm a poor responder.
If you're keeping score, at my original appt in the US, I had 16 follicles. 16 put me right at the next level of a better success rate. Not the highest, but still fairly good. On our first appt here in India, my initial scan only revealed 3 and a big cyst. Aspirating the cyst revealed 14. 14 put us in the fair range, but it was a hell of a lot better than 3. I don't know if they'd even go through with 3. Crisis averted.
But now we are down from 14 to only 4 responding. I expected 70% (as that is what is the norm) and thus 4 is crushing. 4 combined with my age drops us down again. Immediately I started ferociously pulling up stats I have saved to my iPhone, and then I stop. I don't want to know anymore. Neither my husband nor I am religious and it is times like these that I wish I could be. For the moment, hope has left me and and the realist in me wishes I had not let the excitement of the process overcome the knowledge of the likelihood of success.
How do women go through this roller coaster over and over? I'm not sure how many times I can, knowing every month our chances decrease as I age. I'm not sure how many trips to India we can do with me not working. I'm not sure if I can get an exception to my visa to return in a month (I have a 10 year tourist visa from 2008) or instead try for PIO cardholder status (husband is still considered Indian citizen). I'm not sure of so much.
If this seems early to have lost all hope, then realize these were my thoughts and feelings of yesterday. Today is a New Day. The doctor has doubled my dose and I am cautiously optimistic.
If you're keeping score, at my original appt in the US, I had 16 follicles. 16 put me right at the next level of a better success rate. Not the highest, but still fairly good. On our first appt here in India, my initial scan only revealed 3 and a big cyst. Aspirating the cyst revealed 14. 14 put us in the fair range, but it was a hell of a lot better than 3. I don't know if they'd even go through with 3. Crisis averted.
But now we are down from 14 to only 4 responding. I expected 70% (as that is what is the norm) and thus 4 is crushing. 4 combined with my age drops us down again. Immediately I started ferociously pulling up stats I have saved to my iPhone, and then I stop. I don't want to know anymore. Neither my husband nor I am religious and it is times like these that I wish I could be. For the moment, hope has left me and and the realist in me wishes I had not let the excitement of the process overcome the knowledge of the likelihood of success.
How do women go through this roller coaster over and over? I'm not sure how many times I can, knowing every month our chances decrease as I age. I'm not sure how many trips to India we can do with me not working. I'm not sure if I can get an exception to my visa to return in a month (I have a 10 year tourist visa from 2008) or instead try for PIO cardholder status (husband is still considered Indian citizen). I'm not sure of so much.
If this seems early to have lost all hope, then realize these were my thoughts and feelings of yesterday. Today is a New Day. The doctor has doubled my dose and I am cautiously optimistic.
HUGE hugs of strenght! You will succeed!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I'm doing better now thanks to time and everyone's wonderful support.
DeleteI feel your pain..I'm in the same boat..I'm 39..had 17 follicles in us..7 in india..have had 3 egg retrievals. 1st one 4eggs with 3 embryos negative; 2nd one with 4 eggs retrieved ended up with 3 embryos...had 10 week miscarriage...3rd egg retrieval with 5 eggs..4 embryos..awaiting results..but this last time we also used an egg donor as the emotional and financial aspects had just become overwhelming..we should get our results this weekend..hang in there...it does only take one...try not to let it get you down..don't feel like a failure or like it's all your fault...it's just biology and it just sux...but remain positive....you can do this..keep the faith....
ReplyDeleteOmg, that must have been so devistating. Best of luck to you this weekend!!!
DeleteHang in there sweetie, the cycle rollercoaster is horrible, I know... You are totally in the game though, it's not over at all! There are so many stories I could tell you that I've seen over the years that don't have a good start and end up with a baby, so many.. My friend Claudia that is 20 weeks right now had no more than 4 eggs on retrieval, I had 19, she is pregnant and I am not. Hang in there, this ups and downs are just that, they don't mean you will not be successful at the end. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThank you! I know you have had it particularly hard. Best wishes to you.
DeleteI agree with 'myfertilityjourney' it is not the number of eggs so stay hopeful it will result in a positive pregnancy. Wishing you all the very best and lots of baby dust.
ReplyDeleteThanks! You guys have been awesome!
DeleteYou are not alone. With this second retrieval, I'm hoping for better results (all around) than with the first. Just remember that the doctors do this every single day with women who are better and worse off than you. This is their specialty, and they don't do other things on the side. Keep faith in the process and just be patient to see how the meds work out with the increased dosage. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteThanks Allie! Best of luck to you as well. At least we are not alone on this journey.
DeleteI wonder if the original 16 was correct? Seems like a big drop, BUT the great news is that you do have some nice follicles growing and we know it just takes one!! Hopefully the next scan shows a better picture for you. We are all pulling for your success!!
ReplyDeleteThe actual drop was from 16 to 14, it's just that only so few have responded to the medication. I saw the original 16 myself, so I'm confident in their accuracy.
DeleteThanks for the kind words!
We saw a jump in follicles between day 6 and day 9 scans. Hang in there...your next scan may be better. Also, like others have pointed out remember that it takes JUST ONE. In the end you will succeed. Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteThanks! The doubling of meds helped kick in the 2 little guys - hopefully they will all sustain.
DeleteThank you for your warm wishes.