A Dream, News, and Baby Shower Thoughts

Last night I had a dream. I dreamed that I was pregnant. Like waaaaayyyyyyy pregnant, but only sort of. And I couldn't figure out if there were twins in there or a singleton or if I wasn't really pregnant at all (because my stomach kept changing from very pregnant to normal size). I was pleased until I realized - holy crap - we already have twins on the way with my SIL surrogate!!! How was I going to handle more at once? How was I going to handle twin newborns with more arriving right around the corner. I was in the hospital and it was oh so confusing.

It was a very weird dream.

Then I woke and felt relief. Probably best to leave the analysis of that one alone. :-)

On other news fronts, stuff seems to be coming along fine. For the most part. SIL got a positive on her glucose test and so she has to go back for the 3 hour test to check for gestational diabetes. I've been told it's quite horrid. 3 hours of drinking this big ole thing of sickly sweet stuff that makes you want to barf and sleep the rest of the day. She has school orientation with most of her children later that day. Major suckage. Even more major if she does have GD.

Babies are doing well. Viking-Boy was 3lbs 4 oz at our last visit and Girlie-Girl was a respectable 2lbs 14oz. He is still facing down towards the exit and that's a good thing. If possible, my SIL would prefer to have a Vajayjay delivery. I don't blame her. It's key that the boy be head down for this to be possible. They can flip the girl if needed, but not vice-versa (or both).


We are at 31 weeks. Holy crap. So much left to do. STAY IN THE OVEN FOR AS LONG AS YOU CAN!!!

My Bestie is coming in from NJ to throw my baby shower with my mom and another great friend. I truly have some spectacularly awesome friends. Every once in awhile I just sit in awe when I think of it.

On the subject of baby shower - I was thinking today that I need to get something for my SIL for the baby shower. Don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. How boring for her to sit at my shower and watch me get a ton of gifts while she does all the work. But what to get her??? And does she open it there? Then it seems more like a "show" of gratitude than anything else. And really - nothing I could get would ever even come close to what she has done for us.

If you have any idea of what I can get her - light up my comment section. She has 4 kids (3 of them step-children) of various ages (5-14). Maybe I should get something for all of them and her?

That's it for now. Off to to one of the 100 task I still have left on my list.

Got Twins? Help a Sista Out

From: http://makingmade.com/2012/11/10/day-313-lyric-lettering/

So I thought I'd be ok. Figure out what I needed 2 of, figure out what can be shared, read through recommendations, and then I would be all set. Except with twins, it's not all easy-peasy-logical like that. Things don't fit all nice and neat into categories and some things cross over with twins that don't for parents of singletons. Plus, information specific to twins is a tad on the sparse side; unless you don't have a job, social life, or hobbies. All of which I do have  (yes - I am very aware a lot of that will change come this fall).

Price is an issue. We don't need the most expensive items, nor could we afford it. We don't get the luxury of handing things down to the next sibling. My ideas of a slightly fancy crib with all the ooh-la-la etchings of high-end, wood furniture has gone out the window with the new requirement of 2 simultaneous cribs.

That's not to say I want everything cheap and of suspect quality. Having had a child 21 years ago (oh-my-god just writing that), I am keenly aware that sometimes you have to spend money to save money. And then there are times where cheaper sometimes = less safe, not a description you want with your baby products.

Then there are space issues. Car trunk space issues. Bedroom space issues. Sitting on the couch but there isn't room for 2 things on the floor by the coffee table space issues. Arm space issues. The list goes on and on.

So what's a girl to do?

Instinctively, I reached for the book Baby Bargains (8th edition) a few months back when I was at a large consignment sale. This was at the beginning of the pregnancy and may have even been before we knew we had twins. The book was chocked full of good information, but I realized that it was an older edition and that several safety things had changed since it's 2009 publication. That lead me to purchase the kindle version of the latest edition. (DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT, purchase the kindle edition. Hopefully I will remember to post the long list why later.) Suffice to say, that I realized that it, as well as other resources, was lacking in areas that would be important to parents of twins.

What sort of things? I'm glad you asked!!! (I'll even happier if someone has some answers!) Here are some examples from my over-active imagination:

• Infant carrier car seats. Part of the consideration of these things is weight. While a 30lb carrier (not including baby weight) might be ok to manage going up the stairs to my front door, 2 of these things would not be. Do I just go for the convertible car seats that accommodate infants? The biggest complaint of these (for infants) is that baby wakes up when you remove them (since you can't take the entire thing out each time), but honestly I don't think I'll be able to carry two of the infant car seats every time I leave my car sans hubby. As much as I'd like to see my jiggly arms tone up, I suspect this may not be the best plan. 
• On that note: what about strollers? Do I go for the strollers that fit the infant car seats or has my previous concern just eliminate them? Side-by-side strollers or front back? Front back facing or non-facing. Which is going to fit better in our car trunks? I know one of us will eventually have to upgrade to a bigger vehicle (please let it be hubby, please let it be hubby), but considering my car was bought in 2010 and hubby's was bought last year - that ain't happening soon. (All those pesky IVF/Surro expenses and son's college expenses.)
• What about carriers? I grabbed some groovy sling/wrap/boho-whatever-you-call-them at a consignment sale, but I'm guessing that after a few months we will need something a bit sturdier that won't kill my back. I'm only 5'3 and 115lbs. (Ok fine - 123 lbs, but I will get back to my pre-IVF weight soon. Whatever.) What carriers work well when carrying two??? Or do you need one for front and one for back? In that case, what one is safe on your back?
• Bouncers. Do I need to worry about the elevated head sleep thing for twins? I hear it's common. I've already fallen in love with this ghastly, overpriced Babybjorn Babysitter bouncer that I'm fairly certain we HAVE TO HAVE. Have found a possible used connection for one, but I have no idea how well these things handle up over time. If need be, this will probably be my splurge item. I'm obsessed with them. 

If you are a parent of twins - what were your MUST HAVE items? How many sheets is a good number to have? (Just popped in my head.) How did you address the issues above? What am I forgetting?

HELP A SISTA OUT. I'm beginning to bug out. OK FINE. Bug out more than normal. OK FINE. I never really was normal. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? 

P.S. Please help. 

Yo - What's the Haps?

It's a tale as old as blogs. I've been MIA. I've even started posts offline, only to never finish them. (Ok, technically it was only one - BUT I've thought of a bunch of others.) I've lurked. Not on purpose mind you, but the feeder app on my iPhone doesn't do a great job of posting comments and so neither do I of late.

Ya, ya, ya - so what's the haps? Current status: GREAT. All scary tests have come back normal. YAY!!!!!

We are at 21 weeks and 4 days and everything is lookin' good so far.

Surro is having major stress with other family stuff, but she is holding up like a champ. She's a GD saint and all I can say is that I wish a plague on the horrible person causing her pain - except that plague would hurt other people I love, so I guess I really don't. But maybe I do because that person always hurts other people and she's sure to hurt the people I love again. Shew. Life sure is complicated.

We manged to live through our announcements. First we told family and any close friends that weren't already in the know. Ok - that's a lot, but the response was generally good. Oddly enough I didn't really get much response from my Dad's side of the family that lives here in the US (Dad died when I was 3), but got great response from the ones in Sweden. All of hubbinez's family was super-duper-uber excited. So was my mom's side of the family - but most of them already knew.

Next we made the dreaded FB post. That actually went WAAAAYYYYYYYY better than expected.

At first I posted this video:

Mostly because I love Min Pins and this cracked me up as a baby announcement. Apparently no one viewed it or "got it" but that was ok because seconds later...

.... hubbinez was so excited about making the announcement (he had been telling people all week) that he made me do a joint word post, where we hit the POST button at exactly the same time. Because we are corny like that. It went something like this:

"On Mother's day it is fitting that we make our announcement that we are expecting twins. This would not have been possible if it wasn't for another wonderful mother, my SIL <insert name here> . Unable to carry our biological children myself, and after unsuccessful tries elsewhere, she selflessly offered to be our gestational carrier. Words can not express our gratitude over this incredible gift."

Hubbinez was as giddy as a school boy.

I haven't told my work yet, but that's because there has been a snafu with converting me from contractor status to employee status. Technically I am now an employee, but everything isn't final in all the systems, so it makes me nervous. I'm going to feel like an arse when I have to tell them about taking time off - which incidentally the due date is 1 day off from my boss' new wife. I'm sure he's going to freak, but because of my last disaster with getting fired when I told them about starting a family, I want to at least be protected by law this time.

In other haps - I am doing a sleep study next week. I've always had problems with not feeling like I get enough sleep (even when I do!), so no time like the present (ie., pre-twin birth) to try and figure this stuff out. We are off to a good start. Initial blood work from PCP showed that I have a big vitamin D deficiency.

That's a big one with sleep and immune problems, which makes sense since I've been sick so many times in the last year I lost count. With Vitamin D the doctor is looking for any number above a 29. Mine was 18. :-/  Apparently all that sun block wasn't so great for me. Except the whole wrinkle thing. I'm ok with the past trade off, but had to find another option for the future. Yay for supplements! 2000 IUIs a day! At least the past year has prepped me for that.

Srsly, I have to be the only girl whose doctor tells her to go get some sun WITHOUT sun block. Ok, maybe not, but it's not something I have ever heard before. And so I went out in the sun the other day without sunblock on anything except my face for the recommended 15 minutes. Then I slathered on the sunblock. The glare from my legs are still intact!

That's it for tonight. I need to post right away, sans editing, lest it fall by the wayside. Holy crap - it's 11:30pm. Gotta go take a bath and go to bed. Night all!

Amniocentesis and another 2WW.

From: http://www.webmd.com/baby/twin-pregnancy-types

Thursday we had our amniocentesis. What a nightmare. It was really important for us to have one, but holy crap that stuff is scary.

The doctor certainly didn't help. It was that same irritating douchey specialist from the other week.

I guess I should back up a bit since I've been MIA.

The cell-free DNA test ended up coming back inconclusive. That's right, the test that the doctor recommended and then we found out afterwards that the manufacturing company doesn't always recommend for multiples or donor eggs (and since this is surrogacy, my eggs are considered donor) - came back inconclusive. Shocking. They wanted my SIL (our surrogate) to come back in for another. She called me and gave me the update. The nurse was really pressuring my SIL to come back in for another try at this test that is only partially covered by insurance.

After thinking about it, I told my SIL not to get it. It didn't make sense. Why should she have to take extra time off from work for a test that was not going to tell us anything different than the amniocentesis that we had already decided we were doing. Why should we pay even MORE money for a test that didn't give us anything different? Why should we put her through an unnecessary poking that could very well end up being inaccurate or inconclusive. I told her to not worry about going back for the test.

And then she called back. The nurse was EXTREMELY insistent that she come back for this test. At this point I because very irritated (not at my SIL, but at this Dr.'s office.) It was clear that they wanted us to do this test to try and convince us against the amnio. I told my SIL not to stress about it and I would straighten everything out with the Dr.'s office.

Ready to rage war, I started making phone calls. First I called our old fertility clinic ACRM. Our nurse that took over our case when our original nurse was promoted was nothing short of awesome, and I wanted to ping her for her advice. Then I walked outside my office, took a deep breath, and called the specialist's office.

The nurse that spoke to my SIL was not available, but another person in the office was able to call me back fairly quick. That conversation did not go as expected. Actually - it went quite well. The nurse (I think she was a nurse - but we will call her one anyway) was awesome. She is similar in age to me and she confided that she would consider the amnio if she was in the same situation. She explained why the other test was inconclusive and agreed that if we were going with the amnio, then it was not necessary to get the cell-free DNA test - especially so close together. We talked for quite awhile and she restored my faith in this part of the process.

Hubby and I decided that maybe it would be better to have the amnio done at an office closer to us. Maybe staff at a Decatur/Atlanta office would be more professional that some of our previous encounters at the Fayetteville office (like the bad nurse my SIL talked to). Heck, I'll bet the Fayetteville office, even though quite modern and large, has never even seen a mixed Indian/Caucasian couple, much less one using surrogacy. It would be the same doctor (groan), but hopefully no sight of other staff members with similar issues. (Atlanta is completely different than most of the rest of GA.) We would still do the regular appointments closer to where my SIL lives, but we felt safer with the amnio in a more diverse setting.

Fast forward to Thursday: amnio test day. Meep.

We knew that my hubby would be about 15 minutes late due to work constraints, but we really wanted the time to be more convenient for our SIL and let her set it. So when the doctor came in after the initial ultrasound, hubby had not arrived yet. The doctor started off with "are you sure you still want to do this?" and I had to resist the urge of having a fit. Both SIL and I answered in the affirmative.

The doctor then explained that since there were twins, the first injection would have an add-on of dye. The barrel part of the syringe is interchangeable and thus one needle can be used to insert dye, screwed off, and another barrel placed on to gather the amniotic fluid. This insures that you are hitting the same place and that you don't have to puncture multiple times. The purpose of the dye is when they go to do the second amnio on twin B, they make sure they get the fluid from twin b and not twin a again. Apparently the sacs can be all over the place.

Guess what happened? 

Removing fluid for the second amnio showed blue dye. The doctor stopped and asked us if we wanted to continue. By now my husband has arrived and we have to explain what the blue dye is and what it means. It also, all of a sudden, occurs to me that 2 punctures to the same sac means we have just doubled that baby's chance of miscarriage. And the doctor says that if he hits it a third time it will triple it. And if one miscarries, then it can make the second one miscarry.

I sat shaking. Oh - and I haven't even MENTIONED how horrible this looked for my SIL. The first one didn't look painful until they removed the needle, but the second one definitely looked painful. What to do what to do? I felt paralyzed. Secretly I wished my husband would make the decision for us, but I knew that wasn't fair. My SIL turned to us and said she was fine if we wanted to continue. She continuously amazes me.

While the doctor started rambling on about some of our other options, I quietly thought to myself. There was a pause and I explained to my husband again, because I felt it had been glossed over, that the second puncture had increased the chances of miscarriage and a third would triple it. I stated it again to make sure my understanding was correct. The doctor said it was and my husband started asking more questions. Again I reach internally and quietly thought to myself.

What I realized was that my initial fears of chromosomal abnormality had not changed. I still couldn't deal with certain outcomes, but now I was increasing the chance of making a good outcome bad. And I didn't have my comforting statistics on hand to let me know what was optimal. Ultimately I internally decided that I felt we should continue. And to nut punch the doctor if he pierced the wrong sac again. My SIL reiterated she was fine to continue today.

I overheard the doctor saying we could try again in a week or two. This made ZERO sense because then you would definitely be piercing the twin A 3x (because you would have to do the dye again) and the timing would be off if we had to make other decisions. My husband turned stonecold at this point and told him "Just do it now." Hubby looked at me and I nodded my head yes.

The doctor found another area that he sounded more confident with injecting. Complete opposite side that had not been available (baby moved) previously. My husband asked him "between 0 and 100% what it your confidence rate that you won't hit Twin A a third time?" The doctor replied "Oh you can never be 100%" and didn't answer the question. Hubby repeated the question again and doctor replied "I'm very confident". Which of course we followed up with "how much is VERY???" His reply: "At LEAST 50%." Facepalm.

The doctor had to get into a weird hand position to access the third location. The dye check occurred and this time it was clear. We all breathed a big sigh, but the room was still incredibly tense. I could tell it was painful for our SIL. I watched as the doctor withdrew the amniotic fluid and saw his hands visibly shake the entire time. I have no idea if it was because he was old, nervous, or just because his hands were in a really awkward position. I decided that it would make the situation worse to announce "WTF is wrong with your hands?!?" mid-withdraw, so I stayed silent. (I did tell hubby, mommy, and SIL later.)

It was over. We were done. We asked SIL if she was ok. She said she was. Hubby ran downstairs to pharmacy because the doctors office didn't provide any after pain medicine and we didn't want her hurting on the long drive home. Tylenol was fine the staff said. SIL said she was fine, but hubby ran to get some Tylenol anyway.

My mother was waiting in the lobby when we were done. She had graciously volunteered to drive my SIL when we realized the night before that she shouldn't drive herself. Doctor's office failed to mention this. Hubby ran back downstairs and got drinks and Reese's peanut butter cups for everyone. We talked for about an hour to make sure SIL was feeling ok, before the long drive home.

At the end, we scheduled our appointment for the next ultrasound. We decided that Fridays would work best for everyone, rather than Thursdays. The front desk lady informed us that we would have a different doctor if we went on Fridays. Without getting mad, or causing a scene, I simply replied "GOOD" and she made the appointment. 

Cupid's Gift

Artwork by Setsiri Silapasuwanchai

Purchase here

Today could have been the best or worst Valentine's: this morning we had our ultrasound. Originally it was supposed to be on Saturday, but we realized that there was a miscommunication and that they don't do non-required-cycle ultrasounds on Saturday. That's a story in itself that at this point bores even me, so I will spare you the details.

I think I may have held my breath as the ultrasound began. My husband has never seen an ultrasound, which seems incredulous now that I think about it, so it was a completely new experience for him. (I've lost count on how many I've had in the last year alone!) After what seemed like forever (really just a few seconds), the big black circle came into focus. With a little white circle (yolk sack) inside. And a blinky heartbeat that measured at 129 beats per second. The doctor said it was perfect.

And then she showed us #2... Equally perfect.

Sunny with a Chance of Rain

Amazing photography by zznzz
http://zznzz.deviantart.com/art/sunny-rain-259517795

130!!!

That's the hCG test results at day 12. Our GC's progesterone is 20 and estrogen is 830. That's a good solid number for 1 baby with a possibility of twins. (Could we even dare to hope?) Everything is looking great.

Well, almost everything. Shortly after the blood test this morning, our GC started spotting. I know that it's not uncommon, and it may mean nothing, but it's still scary. Add to the fact that my age group has something like a 35% miscarriage rate. Doctor's recommendation is for GC to drink plenty of fluids and rest.

I'm not going to dwell on any of that today. Today I am going to be happy. Cautiously happy - but happy happy happy.

Hoping for an uneventful 2 days followed by correct growth rate in 2 days. Stay tuned and wish us lots of baby dust. You know - the good stuff; not the cheap, crappy stuff. We need all the help we can get.

Tomorrow is the Day: Random Thoughts the Day Before

Work has been wicked busy (and good), thus I haven't had a whole lot of time to perform my usual obsessiveness during this period. With the weekend here and time so close, it's starting to creep in. I flip between wanting to look at baby stuff and then quickly switching to something else.

Tomorrow night we are celebrating my son's birthday - 21. (Holy crap - when did that happen?!?) His actual birthday is not that day, but he already had plans on his birthday (free sporting event tickets with great seats!) and I had a choose a different night. It didn't occur to me that I was choosing the night that could be either a very sad or very happy one for us. I'd hate to steal his thunder or put a damper on such an eventful birthday. Though now that I think about it, he would be thrilled at the good news. When I mentioned my poor date choice to my husband he became slightly surly and thought I was already thinking negatively; I quickly assured him I was not. 

Add dinner to tomorrows schedule of things, and then I saw that friends need help sewing costumes with a recital they are having next week. I was supposed to be in it, but I bowed out of the recital once I realized that it would be too hard with to do with the IVF cycle. Still, I had to explain that I probably couldn't help with the sewing aspects tomorrow either. I hate that, but it is what it is. Almost no one in that group is aware of our infertility problem and I can't imagine getting the phone call in the middle of all of that. Not to mention I'm sure my husband wants us to be together for that moment. 

By far this has been our best cycle and some part of me wonders if we had had the opportunity to do it here earlier (instead of India), if the results wouldn't have turned out better for the other cycles. We will never know for sure, but I suspect it may have. The cyst probably killed my first cycle and we would have waited if we weren't already in India. After the second cycle we found out that BCP lowers chances in women my age, something that is hard to avoid when you have to fly across the world and time everything. Actually, had I known that prior, I probably would have just flown out earlier and not taken any. Maybe. I'm not sure if we could have been that flexible with my husband's schedule. Who really knows except that this last cycle, which should have been the worst, was my best. By far. 

Sad to think that this is our last cycle with my eggs. Not to be Debbie-downer (I am hopeful), but if it doesn't work then we are in limbo for awhile. We will go to egg donation, but who knows when we will be able to do that or the logistics of it. While I won't feel a disconnect from any future baby we have that isn't biologically tied to me, I will feel a disconnect from my husband and his family. I don't know exactly how to explain that statement and any attempt to try would probably muddle it up even more. 

Plus , I so genuinely want to see what a mix of our genes would produce. Like most couples, I think we will/would make beautiful babies that will/would go on to do great and wonderful things. I would miss seeing the flicker of mischievousness from my Grandfather,  the possibility of light blue eyes (that have never changed due to any marriage mix), and the beauty and intelligence that I could point out from so many that came before me. Children are wonderful no matter where they come from, but there is something longing in me that wants the physical reminder of my loved ones that have passed to carry on in our future child. 

Sad to think it's our last cycle and a relief. Cycling is harder than I imagined and you have to put so many restrictions on yourself. So grateful to be able to resume wine, regular caffeine  and long hot baths. To not take a daily dose of supplements that make me rage/cry/get acne/grow more facial hair/etc.. Grateful not to have to pump more hormones and all the fun things that go with that. To not have to worry about gaining more weight; wondering if I need to buy a new wardrobe or just put my body on hold for yet a few more months. This week I was finally able to make appointments to get a cavity filled (anesthesia) and see my dermatologist (where most things Rx'd are no-nos for IVFers).  

My eggs are literally all in one basket. It can go either way. We transferred many embryos, but not more than the embryologist felt comfortable with. On one hand that makes me excited because it gives us a higher chance, on the other hand it makes sad thinking that our chances are so low to begin with that it's ok.  

Deep breath. 

Off to take a bath and think happy thoughts. If happy thoughts don't come, there's always my fallback: Grey's Anatomy. That sh#t's addictive and engrossing. Have lots to keep me busy today, so I need to get off the computer and try and dive into that. Tomorrow is the day and hopefully we will have great news. 

60 Second Update

Embie we didn't transfer didn't make it. They left a message on my phone and I didn't feel the need to call back. It didn't upset me - not one bit - totally expected.

Tomorrow I go in for my check up appointment. I've been a little worried because I am still cramping, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised since I'm prone to infection AND I didn't take my doxycycline the night before my transfer like I was supposed to. Told the nurse on the day of transfer (when she asked about it). Completely slipped my mind to take it even though I told myself probably 20 times (and my husband at least 5)! Had to take it after dinner and dinner was after the reminder alarm went off. Damn you ADD. Oh well. I guess if I had to forget one medication -that was the one to forget.

G.C. says she is doing great except for a sore bum. LOL. I feel so bad for her. She told me that the night of the first shot that she kept procrastinating when her husband tried to give it to her. Made him keep practicing on the orange an hour past the time she was planning on taking it. Then when she finally got the shot she couldn't believe that she had been so worried over it that whole time. That it was nothing compared to what she had built up in her mind. Still, too many shots will give anyone sore spots. There wasn't an unbruised spot in my prime belly-shooting area by the time I was done. Hurt to wear pants. Sans pants (or skirt) probably isn't good for the office. Now that I think about it - why didn't I wear a dress???

That's it for now. Tomorrow is checkup for me and Sunday is prego test for G.C. Some moments I don't think of it at all and other times I wonder how wise it is troll craigslist for my dream crib. Well "troll" as in window shop, not as in act all douche-y. Why am I explaining myself? You all knew what I meant. I starting to ramble which means I need to hurry up and get to bed. Still a ton to do.

Night all!

Day 11 - Trigger Night

Same disclaimer as Tuesday regarding this post. Half of this was written quickly at work just to get the stats up and the other half was written quickly at home where I have a zillion things I need to do. I don't have time, patience, or the general "sit down and write pretty" warm and fuzzies tonight. (Still want to post the info though.)

Let's us begin...

Ultrasound done by doctor today. I don't remember this doctor's name, but she reminds me of tall Jennifer Garner. It's kinda funny. Funny weird, not funny haha. (I've always loved that phrase.) I've met her before and she is the new doctor at the practice. 

Lining is grade 1 at 7mm. (This doesn't matter in my case except to show that my hormone levels are good.) 

Note: they looked at the right ovary first this time.

right ovary:

14mm

17mm

19mm

14mm

3 that are <10mm

left ovary:

18mm

18mm

16mm

17mm

18mm

Looks some were hiding on the right that have perked up. One of the small ones on the left decided to join in the game as well. 

Depending on my blood levels, we may wait another day before the trigger shot. Will know this afternoon. 

I was out of meds and so my nurse gave me some from the office. Said if I don't have to use them, to bring them back. They didn't charge. 

--Evening update

Triggering tonight. My progesterone is 1.3 and my estrogen is 1779. The nurse explained that when the progesterone starts rising and gets above 1, it indicates that the eggs are getting ready to release (something I did not know previously.) My hCG shot is scheduled for midnight. Haven't watched the videos for that one yet - better get to it! Dose is 10K. 

Tomorrow morning I go back for another appt. They are taking blood and going over the pre-op instructions. Not sure if I get another ultrasound, I was in my car about to leave when they called. 

My GC will start her progesterone shots tomorrow night (ouch.) I still cringe knowing how her shots are big and intramuscular. Super suck. Our transfer is slated for Tuesday. Not sure why we are doing a 3 day instead of 2, but I've put it on my list of questions. 

I've asked 2 other questions that I am awaiting answers on. 1 is regarding assited hatching: do they think it is warranted in our case. The other was about ICSI. I was surprised to find out that they did not have it planned for us. That's a bit startling given I have a low ovarian reserve and we've used it both times before. I've asked for clarification. If there is little downside, and a potential upside, then I don't want a small fee standing in the way. Plus, I've read studies where it can significantly impact small follicle/egg success. 

As good as my numbers look, I was reminded on how good they looked last cycle. In fact I had 12 good sized and 14mm one; only 4 eggs were retrieved. I guess I have to hope that they will have better equipment/process/tweaks of protocol here to release good eggs. Hate to put it that way because quite frankly, my last cycle in India was waaaaayyyyy less stressful than this one here in the states, but a little part of me is hoping that something will be better here. 

My post-op visit (that's new!) is scheduled for the 22nd. Our pregnancy test scheduled for the 27th. That seems kinda early, so I told our GC to expect that she may have to come in for a second one. With her starting a new job only a month ago, it's better for her to know the possibiliy of these things in advance. Heck, I know I would want to know that too. 

Saturday is retrieval day. I've been so busy, I haven't had time to worry [too much] with google or otherwise. Our appointment is at 11am, but we have to go in at 10:15 to speak with the doctor. It's weird to see all these different doctors and nurses. I haven't even seen our doctor since our cycle started, and now she won't even be doing the retrieval. Sigh. I know the other doctor is considered awesome and I've met him once before, but it's still hard. In India I saw my doctor and the same nurse every day. 

That's it. Gotta go hussle and get things done. Haven't even had dinner yet. Wish me luck!

Cycle Limbo Part 2: Return of the Cycle

UPDATE

Nurse called. As long as my SIL can come in tomorrow and get an ultrasound - then we are proceeding as planned. Whoooooooooooooooooshhhhhhhhhh.

When the nurse initially called, she kind of presented it as my option with the knowledge that if my SIL's lining isn't thick enough upon transfer day, than the transfer won't take. Normally they want 11-14 days of the estrace to insure a thick lining, but they don't want to start the estrace until a untrasound and blood work on her confirms everything is a go (eg, no cysts, hormone levels good, etc..) My last cycle gave me only 12 days before transfer. She asked me if I wanted to go forth.

At first I asked questions about how would we avoid this next time if we waited. She said that normal protocol was to control the GC's cycle with BCP/Lupron overlap. Then I asked the follow up question that surprisingly, I think was a bit unexpected: why did we not do it this time? This was a little harder to answer, but the short of it was - they/she didn't want to start medications (including BCP) until all the initial testing had been completed. Of course my logical reply was: Does BCP effect the testing. Answer: No.

So getting past all that, I realized she expected an answer from me about whether I wanted to start or not. Here is where I lost it. Crying the cry only someone that is mildly dehydrated and still slightly sick can manage. My guess is that over the phone it sounded somewhat like a choking horse.

Normally when I get really upset, my sensibilities leave me, but they did not this time. I put the question back to her: "What you are telling me is that I have to choose between my chances lowering further from waiting a month, or take a chance that the lining won't be thick enough." She said she would speak to the doctor and call me back.

I laid the options out like that for a couple of reasons, but the main one was that I really didn't know which is riskier. One would think that a month wouldn't make a world of difference, but women in my age bracket know differently. My AMH dropped drastically in a very short period this year. Conversely, I don't recall our surrogates getting estrate (or similar) that long in India prior to the transfer, so I'm not sure if it is a booster/fail-safe thing or what.* From a medical perspective, since my GC and I started menses within 24 hours of each other, one would think at 29 years of age, her lining would be reasonably thick for ovulation at the proper time anyway.

After speaking with the doctor and both reviewing my records, the nurse called back. She stated that as long as my GC could come in for ultrasound tomorrow (she can), then we would continue the cycle as planned. We nailed down a few of the other details (like when I would start my big gun meds) and now I feel a crapload better than I was feeling. Earlier I was trying not to let panic surge, but I was having a hard time. I would have waited another month if I had to, but honestly, I am ready for this to be over and done with. The emotional and physical, even things you don't let anyone else see, is astronomically draining.

*Originally I thought the Indian surrogates did take meds from the beginning (from my own research of surrogacy), but I had my husband ask the Indian lady directly and she said that she only been told to start medication a few days prior to the transfer. My husband and I now debate if this was a protocol thing, problem with the surrogate, or other. 

In Today's Surrogate News...

image from: here

The long awaited surrogate news is here! 

Our surrogate and her husband are still gung-ho - YAY!!!! Ms L went for her hysteroscopy and HSG testing Thursday and Friday. We haven't heard the official news from the clinic yet, but she is under the impression that everything came back great. Double yay! I'll let myself have that little bit for now.

On the flip side, my surrogate and her husband, both whom are very close to us, are having trouble quitting smoking. If she doesn't quit soon, then it will be a no-go. Quitting smoking is super-tough and she feels awful that she hasn't been able to quit yet. Was there myself once-upon-a-time and it sucks.

We went ahead and asked them if they wanted to try Chantix (we'd pay for it) and made sure with our clinic that it would be ok for them to take. They both wanted to give it a shot and we were happy when our RE said it was ok. We were about to go meet them on Saturday when our water heater expansion tank sprang a leak. Fortunately showered just minutes before the leak was discovered... 

Anytime you find a large puddle of water on your floor you should probably be concerned, but honestly I was more concerned about meeting with Ms.+ Mr. L. We called a friend and my dad to ask some questions, turned a faucet valve that was connected, let hot water run out in the sink, placed a bucket under the leak, and left to go meet them. 

Meeting went great - picked up Chantix Rx and then grabbed dinner with both of them and their little one. Afterwards we had a get-together at a friend's house where it was pretty paramount that we show our face. It's a close friend (he introduced us!!!) and we think we weren't invited to his wedding a month ago because we have been soooooo MIA - we hadn't even met his now-wife until last night. They had been dating for a little over a year. When we returned home much later we found the leak still going strong. A little digging around outside and in the garage led to the discovery of another valve to turn off ALL water. The first one turned out to be just for hot water. 

I hope the Chantix works. It helped me quit smoking years ago, but I know some people report serious side effects and can't take the medication. Chantix is not covered under their insurance either, but Mr. L's doctor gave him a $75 coupon. Oddly enough, Ms L's only have her a $40 one. Weird huh? We were able to use the $75 one. 

Now we go full speed for the other things. On the schedule of phone calls tomorrow is lawyer (required by our clinic), blood work for all, and psych tests for all. Wait what was that last part??? Yea, our third party coordinator said that we would have to ALL have a psych eval. Having a psych eval doesn't bother me (it probably should!), but after 2 failed surro cycles in India I really don't understand why it is necessary. I sent an email to our third party coordinator asking about the necessity (ie. requirement), of this for my husband and I. If it isn't required then I really don't see the need to spend additional monies on it. We didn't have it in India and I don't feel like we need it now. (The surrogate did have one in India and I understand why it is required here.) 

And I'm not sure how we haven't really talked with the financial coordinator at our clinic thus far, but I guess we need to schedule that as well. Sigh. At least then we will know better what to expect. Our original information from the clinic did not include costs for surrogacy. That becomes an entire new list of line items. 

I don't know how I'm going to take off all this time from work. All day psych evals? Appointments at an attorney office? More medical stuff? I don't know how our surrogate is going to be able to take the time off either - though of course we will give her money for any missed work. She starts a new job next week and while we are both super-duper tight with her boss, I think it's still awkward to take time off when you first start at a company. Even if the boss is totally ok with it. 

Sigh. So that's the update. Prior, I steeled myself to expect the worst with her hysteroscopy/HSG tests and now I feel unexpectedly elated. Even after feeling all doom-and-gloom about the cigarette stuff for the last week and a half. I'm still going to be cautious about getting too excited with regards to that, but I've let myself be hopeful for the weekend.

Course not having water it beginning to suck. Guess I should put "plumber" on my list of phone calls for tomorrow. Wouldn't that be funny if that was the phone call I forgot to make tomorrow? (I refused to pay Sunday plumber rates.) My BFF called earlier and said we could take a shower at her house if necessary. Since she could smell me all the way from there... She's a keeper. :-) 

Weekly Update: A Job, Land of IF, Being a Proud Parent

So many things, so many things. I've forgotten half of them already. Let's just hit the highlights and see what else I can remember.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to Work I Go.
Had to go back to work. Money is just too tight right now. Me not working for 8 months has finally taken a toll on our finances and if we want to continue in this Land of IF, then we can't do without my paycheck.

My first week of job hunting was really me just talking to recruiters. I figured I had put enough off during my travels to India, that now was the time to dig deep. That's always an adventure, but by week 2 I had a job - fortunately my area of expertise has an extremely low unemployment rate. It's a contract to perm position in IT, doing what I have over a decades experience experience in. I will be making over 10% more than what I did at my last job and for a company that has a big name all over the world.

What about my dreams to do some sort of humanitarian thing in the non-profit industry? Selfishly, our dreams of a family rates higher on the scale, thus I had to give up on a career choice that would pay just over 1/3 -1/2 of my current salary. All is not completely lost as the project I am working on helps people from 9/11. At least I can believe in the project. Some of the companies that wanted me to interview were BLECH. (Have had enough of soul sucking from my last job thank you very much!)

Speaking of Land of IF...
1.) Just starting reading the book Navigating the Land of IF: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options by Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens fame. Only on chapter 3 (have had to study for work - <sad face>), but it is pretty awesome. Have my own mini-collection of IF books, but this is the one that most interests me right now. Probably because it's not all doom and gloom fact based. Melissa does an excellent job of making the reader far more relaxed over a very NON-RELAXING subject and everyone is included. It's a hard road and the recurring theme is that we are not alone. And that it's ok to be all emotional. I'll write a full review when I'm finished.


2.) Our friend and her husband who offered to do surrogacy for us are "both feet in". YAY!!! That's the first hurdle. We've consulted with our local clinic and there are a couple of things we have to address, almost all of which we expected. Then there is the insurance issue. We don't know yet if her insurance has a surrogacy clause. Trying to find that out without sending up red flags. They aren't known nationally to cover these things...One step forward, two steps back.

The item I had not thought about was that my doctor wants to retest my FSH. It was high last january (12.4) and with the decrease in my AMH, she wants to make sure that it hasn't shot up to the high teens. I know, I know, it's a Big If. Wish me luck. If it comes back too high, then we could be in holding pattern for years for the DE as I've previously mentioned here and in other places.

Proud Parent
Some of you might remember that I have a 20 year old son. What I don't think I have ever mentioned is that he is in seminary school. Which is perfectly natural since his father is Jewish, my husband is an ex-Hindu, and I have had a lifetime of "trying to figure it all out". (Try not to laugh.) Anyhow, my son has a religious podcast now and I am very happy to see him do something he enjoys so much! Of course as the proud mama I had to listen to it right away and I was tickled in doing so. He was great! Very few people in life get to have the career that they absolutely love and I think he will be one of the lucky few. We have the best discussions and I'm thrilled that not only am I his mother, but also his friend. He dives into projects where he can bring help to those who need it and I am so incredibly proud of him.

-------------------------------------------------
Well, that's all I can remember right now. Still recovering from the flu, which is interesting with starting a new job. I'm exhausted.

A job, a surrogate, and possibly the flu

http://liannetaimenlore.blogspot.com/2012/08/edbp-movie-review-lion-witch-and.html

“All shall be done, but it may be harder than you think.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe

Two weeks ago my husband and I decided that I needed to go back to work. Our funds are greatly depleted and the time had come. This made me more than a little nervous on several counts.

1. I'm rusty in my job field. Not only because I took off 7 months for IVF treatments, but also because my last position had me doing a different area in my expertise. While that's all great and fine, the problem becomes two-fold in that I could either continue in that subcategory (with only 2 years experience) or go back to my old subcategory with well over a decade experience. Going back to the old actually means I have 2 years worth of catch-up to do as you have to constantly stay updated. 
2. Interviewing terrifies me. I don't know why, very few positions have I ever interviewed for did I not get a job offer, but they still terrify me. Like make me want to vomit type of terrify. Like my voice shakes and my mind can go blank type of terrify. Now that I think about it, maybe I have such a good success rate at job offers because I usually go with the one of the first couple. That gets me out of other interviews. Add on #1, and I simply did not feel ready to interview. 
3. Wasn't sure how this would fall inline with our IVF treatments. What if our surrogate here doesn't work out? Then we are back to looking at India. Can't exactly take time off to go there for 3 weeks when I'm brand new at a company. We don't save any money by doing IVF in India, only surrogacy, but I don't have confidence that my embryos will make it to freeze. Need to look at things to increase our chances, not decrease.

As my grandfather used to famously say "Oh well, what the hell" and thus I dived into job search mode. Went on a interview last week, felt like puking (before and after!), thought I bombed part of it, and lo-and-behold, they loved me. Took an online technical test and scored high. Job was offered immediately (like within 5 minutes of me completing the test!)  So here I am getting ready to start my contract-to-perm position next Monday. Have a shit load of studying to do before then. 

In other news, we met with our friends (husband and wife) that are considering surrogacy for us. We have to meet with our clinic here in Atlanta to find out some more answers, but I felt really good talking with them. Made me realize that they had thought it through (at least with the information they had) and wanted to think it through some more after we laid all the heavy duty stuff on them. That's actually a really good sign to me. 

The next day my friend emailed me and said she went through the forms and wanted me to check with the doctor about a medical issue she had years ago. We have an appointment with my clinic on the 30th, so I will have my list of compiled questions then. Meanwhile, I also have a phone consultation this week with another clinic via Skype. 

The only big concern my friends really had was insurance. They've had problems with theirs in the past. If we have to buy insurance, pay for a ton of new medical tests for all 4 of us, plus attorney fees, then that may be too cost prohibitive. Won't really know until we speak with some clinics. Don't even know if they will still take me. 

And if this all seems a bit lacking in the segue arena - it's because I fairly certain I have the flu. Sigh. 

You have questions...We have answers

Actually I need your answers, so if any of this sounds familiar please post your experience/knowledge in the comment section.

On Tuesday night, I attended a seminar at my old clinic ACRM, here in Atlanta. I described some of it here and also pinky-swear promised to post the questions I posed to the new doctor during the Q&A session. (Ok, I didn't really pinky-swear, but I wrote I would, which is almost like the same thing.)

So here are the questions I asked.

1.) Can endometriosis affect the outcome of an IVF cycle if the woman is using a surrogate?
A.) Yes it is possible. [Sadly I have forgotten the reason behind it. I believe she did mention that there could be an effect on the eggs in a follicle and thus less eggs retrieved, but for the life of me I can't remember if she said certain things or if I am confusing it with stuff I have read.]

2.) Besides cost, what are some of the downsides of using ICSI?
A.) There have been studies done of the offspring conceived by ICSI and it was noted that the male children had a higher rate of sperm problems. Whether this is a cause of the ICSI or due to genetics (ie, the father having sperm issues thus ICSI was used) is unknown. 

[This one I already knew the answer to, but I wanted to make sure there wasn't anything else I didn't know about. Primarily because our clinic in India uses ICSI as a default with no extra charge (unlike here in the States).]


3.) How long after a laparoscopy, do you need to wait to start an IVF cycle?
A.) Generally the recovery time is short and we like to do the next cycle as soon as possible. Especially if the woman is older.
[I know they can't do it the same month as IVF, so I'm guessing that means you just have to wait until the next month.]

I'm getting conflicting statements about #1 and I'm a little concerned about it. Everything I read regarding endometriosis and IVF revolves around the woman carrying the baby, there is very little info for women using a surrogate.

My new OB/GYN did not seem to think that endometriosis would be a problem for me (with regards to lowering my IVF success rates) since we weren't using my uterus. In fact he thought there was a low likelihood that I had it since some of my symptoms were relieved with my cryoablation. He advised for me to find out if the cyst I had aspirated during my first IVF cycle was a chocolate cyst. He did mention at the end of our lengthy consultation that he did not specialize in reproductive endocrinology, so I'm guessing that was his out if he was wrong. The only surrogate cases he probably has is if someone walked into his office who IS a surrogate and already pregnant. Also this WAS before they locked me in the bathroom.

Conversely, Dr. GS on SIRM's forum indicated endometriosis could cause a problem in my case, but it was hard to tell if he understood that I would not be CARRYING the child. Even though I definitely mentioned it. (I am awaiting on a response for that clarification.) He mostly pointed me to articles that either talked about the problems in the woman's lining (and toxins activated in it) or in one case a long article he wrote with one tiny sentence that suggested a gestational surrogate would be a better option. That seemed to contradict his reply to me. Anyhow, I've awaiting clarification.  [UPDATE: Dr. GS did reply and state he missed the part about gestational surrogacy. He said that in the case of immunologic implantation dysfunction, it wouldn't apply to me, but an endometriotic cyst would affect egg quality.]

The REASON I'm even asking is because I don't know if I should be tested for it. We have decided to cycle again, but this may be my last one and I want to optimize my chances. If endometriosis can affect my eggs pre-aspiration, then it seems like a good idea to be tested and get any problems fixed. On the FLIP side, scheduling and doing a laparoscopy  plus recovery time could add a couple of months to the process - thus lowering our chances. PLUS some doctors advise against laparoscopic surgery for poor responders as it can further lower your ovarian reserve and raise FSH levels.

What to do, what to do. Time to go have a real one-on-one with our ACRM doctors again.

As I said at the beginning, feel free to chime in. 

Here we are again - 2ww

Formula for moment of inertia
from: http://www.wikipremed.com/image.php?img=010105_68zzzz111100_12002_68.jpg&image_id=111100

I have about 100 things to write about, but right now I'm stuck with inertia over our pending results for our 2ww. My husband is out of town until Saturday night, and as much as I would like to say if the email comes tomorrow than we will wait to read it together, it's not gonna happen. If the email comes, I'll read it. This last week I've felt like a pressure cooker with every emotion beginning to boil up.

For some reason I thought it was coming on the 6th, but my husband thought it was the 7th or 8th. He remembered that the clinic is normally closed on Sundays, so if we don't get an email tomorrow then it will probably be Monday. In fact, if it isn't in by the morning, then we probably won't get it till Monday morning because of the 9 hour difference: surrogate tests should be done by my late morning time.

Truthfully, if it's bad news, it's probably best that my husband and I don't read it together. Like many men, he doesn't do well with tears and I know that this entire process is probably harder on him then it is me. At least mentally. Never-the-less, if it is bad news then I will surely cry and the last thing I need to add to his woes is my tears. Last time we went through a cycle it was super hard for him with every up and down and when we got the bad news, we could barely speak. I had prepared myself better for the bad news, but not enough that I could console him.

Last time I didn't even tell my siblings and close friends when we got the bad news. I just didn't want to talk about it. My husband called his family and I emailed my mom. She was pretty sad, so I stayed strong. A month or two later everyone else eventually came around and said "I guess it wasn't good news." By then I was already in  mode for my new cycle and had completely forgotten I didn't update anyone. This time we've told more people and gave promises of an update when we find out.

The update is hard enough, but it's the feedback that will really get me. I just don't want to have to have one-on-one conversations with each person on how they are sorry it didn't work out. Look at me. I'm already thinking the worse. I can't help it. Need to think positive thoughts. I left India on a super-positive note and I need to keep it going.

Sigh. Easier said than done. I have so many things I need to work on, but can't seem to do any of them. 2 ww. Bring it. 

A Carrier's Perspective (possible tissue alert)

This is a hard one for me to write. Because even with my veil of anonymity, it reveals something so personal and secretive, that few people in my life actually know about it. Many of my closest friends do not know about it and it was even hard to admit to my husband, but I realized recently how very relevant it is to my journey. And how much it will make me cry to write about it. 

Some recent stories I arrived at via Stirrup Queens showed me the importance of sharing my story. I apologize in advance for any grammar mistakes, for I don't plan on check editing like I normally do for long posts. Feel free to comment, but if you ever meet me in person let's agree not to bring it  up - ok? Alright, here it goes:

When I was barely 16, I gave up a child for adoption. 

There. I said it. Or at least wrote it. 

Surrogacy is not an easy option for me. Wait, I need to rephrase that because surrogacy and infertility are not easy options for ANYONE on any side of the fence, as blog after blog can attest. Let me try again... Like many cases in infertility land, our path to use surrogacy was an extremely difficult one.

For you see, I know the pain of carrying a child in your womb for 9 months and then giving it to someone else. I can pretend that my pain was "more" because the child was genetically linked, but I really have no way of knowing that. The best I can hope for is that the verbal evidence I am given from those "in the know" is what my surrogate will experience: that it's not easy, especially that day in the delivery room, but that the surrogate knows from the beginning that the child is not hers. Knowing that her GIFT will enable her to help her own children - something HUGE that I think most articles on the subject seem to miss, but mothers pick up on right away - helps to ease the worry. At least a little. 

My main nurse in Anand is twice a surrogate. She is always happy with a smile and her recent deliveries occurred when she was about 39 and 41, the last one being only a year earlier. She has worked at the clinic for approximately 9 years. She's not the only nurse that is a former surrogate and I dare say that they would certainly have inside information on what the women go through before making those decisinos for themselves. 

The life and emotional well-being of my nurse is a strong contrast of how my life was a year after giving up my child for adoption. Maybe emotionally she's an exception, but I don't think so. Speaking and reviewing empirical information on former surrogates lets me see how their lives are changed for the better, but I still don't fool myself into believing that the initial period after births are easy-breezy for them.¹

When I was pregnant and 15, I listened to people tell me that, "if I loved my baby, I would give it up for adoption." No one told me how the pain would rip me apart. The pain didn't even fully settle till months after, when it was far too late by legal standards to do anything about it, (even though I did try). Having been ostracized by any "good girls", combined with an already deep ability have depression (even before my pregnancy), it's no surprise that I continued making bad choices for awhile. I have no doubt that post-partum equally contributed it's ugly head during those times. 

And then I stopped making bad choices, (at least for awhile). At 19 I was engaged to a man 5 years my senior and became pregnant. While I certainly had not (I promise) PLANNED on being pregnant, after I got over the initial shock, there was a sense that a huge hole in me was in some way going to be repaired. I had to clean up my act for my baby. My marriage lasted for a very brief period, as my husband did not share my epiphany, but my second son helped me heal. Tremendously. 

I won't pretend that I haven't had other ups and downs in my life, many of my own doing on both accounts, but to say that giving up my first-born for adoption didn't have a huge impact on my life would be a lie. My first-born is now old enough to have tried to seek me out and even though I put in the initial papers that he could, he never has. Something that both grieves me and relieves me. It's probably been over 20 years since I dared even open the box containing all of the documentation and correspondence I had during those difficult times, but I still have the box. And it's a big box. It has been a long time since I grieved on his birthday, but there were many, many years that I did. Now, most birthdays go by without even remembering. Not because I don't love him, quite the opposite, but I guess my mind finally kicked in it's defense mechanism that we humans are so famous for. 

Invariably when I see surrogacy articles, I get enraged when I see all the comments about "they are selfish and should just adopt!" Do people think the mothers of adopted children didn't equally grieve? Some maybe less, but many possibly more. (There are more reasons that these comments enrage me, but I will save those for another day.) Do people not know that the amount an Indian  surrogate makes, even though small by western standards, can effectively change her and her families life? The surrogate can start a store or buy a rickshaw for her family to earn more. Things that were never even remotely possible for her prior.

Surrogate mothers choose their paths for a variety of reasons, but as long as it is their choice and they are fully informed, we should not take away that right or even judge it. Not even if the woman is poor and does it simply for the money. A poor woman wanting a better future for her family should not be held to a lower standard than other women. Knowing a little bit about Indian culture, I know that these women don't do it for pure altruistic reasons as I sometimes see touted, but that doesn't make their GIFT any less. 

Surrogacy is hard for me, but the adoption option would be even harder. My baby may have been unplanned, but he was definitely not unwanted. Not any more than my second child. I can not imagine reliving my 15 and 16 year old life from the other side of the fence. Adoption is not even on the table for us for us for many reasons, including simple ones like wondering if we would even be allowed AND our desire to have a genetic child. It was not until my most recent trip to India that I even acknowledged to myself about how my teenage years affected some of my angst of our current journey. 

Does the 40 year old me regret giving up my child for adoption? Surprisingly - no. I don't think the 20-ish one did either. I knew that the 16 year old me could not give a life to a child that even a 20 year old me could give. Even the 20 year old me had difficulties, but I think my second son turned out pretty awesome,. My first son would have had less of a chance and there is a high likelihood that if I had kept him, my second son would not have been born. 

I don't doubt that most surrogates go through pain when giving a child they have carried for 9 months to the intended parents, but I don't believe that most would want to keep the child either. The financial burden compiled with the stigma would be something that we westerners could not even begin to understand. At 16, I may not have understood all the pain that would occur with my decision to give my baby up for adoption, but it was the right decision. For me, my future self, and both of my sons. 

¹  I can ONLY speak from my experiences with my clinic, there are tons of nefarious ones out there that I hope are regulated out of business soon.

Day 8: Yay! and try not to freak out.

Had another sonogram today, more shots, met the surrogate, and went over some preliminary paperwork.

Sonogram showed 13 follicles (yay!). 5 really good size, 6 average, and 2 small. Hopefully we will get some good eggs and then embryos out of these. Right now we plan on extracting on Thursday, but Dr. P said she will confirm after my sonogram tomorrow. 

Starting to get a little worried with the timing of my husband's arrival. I recall when we were planning this trip that I commented we didn't have much buffer room for mess-up (time wise), but I didn't think much more of it. Don't think I even thought of the timing for HIS arrival at all. Saturday I realized how short we were cutting it with his arrival. He gets here on Thursday - right now I'm tentatively scheduled for egg retrieval that day. That means he will not be there when I go under, something I am NOT happy about. Think "scared" is more the word I am feeling around for. In case of emergency, we do have 2 backup samples from last time, which is  good to know, but still don't like the idea of possibly having to use them if ANYTHING goes wrong with his travel. 

Try not to freak out, Try not to freak out. 

Last time we had to go a day earlier than expected. We expected 10 days of shots (not including the trigger) and ended up with only 9. If I go on Thursday, this will mean that I only had 8 days. I think the average person goes 9-12 days. I'm hormonal and irritable at my husband right now. Even more at myself for not looking at his schedule more closely and insisting on better buffers. 

Try not to freak out. Try not to freak out. 

Ok, got that out of my system for now.

On a different note: met the surrogate today. The surrogate is 28 years old, 121 lbs and 5'3 (I think she's 5'2 1/2). She has a brightness to her eyes and is ready with a smile. Sadly, she is going through a divorce and wishes to have enough money to get her own house and have some left over to go towards her son's education. 

When people talk about exploiting the poor, I really wonder if they think of things like this. Many months ago I looked up Gujarat house/flat prices and I remember being amazed how low they were. A surrogate in the USA could NEVER buy a house for what a woman could here in India. Sure, it may be a small house/flat compared to what we are used to, but so are most of the homes I have been to here. Even in very well to do homes. A woman could not earn the equivalent of 10+ years salary for surrogacy in the USA and they could not have left over funds to educate their children. When you see the lives here that have had such a positive impact due to Dr. Patel and surrogacy, it's easy to see why she does not let her critics affect her. 

Ok, got that out of my system for now.

Please let this take this time. I don't think we could come back again for another try with my eggs. Please please please. 

Hopefully this cow gave me her blessings. I gave her and a baby cow some of my leftover Malai Kofta and rice. Actually I gave it to the calf, but then she came and took it over. I'm ok with that. Maybe I'll get double blessings. 

Boss cow

Baby cow eating bushes after a few bites of delivery

Good article about surrogacy in India

Not familiar with this news source here in India, but the few articles I perused were done quite well. The article they have on surrogacy is here: http://gulfnews.com/life-style/general/india-s-rent-a-womb-industry-is-booming-1.1073056. Though I don't particularly care for the first picture they have in the slides, the article is a positive one none-the-less. Worth the read.

Note: the article is a bit confusing when it is referring to clinics . Even as a person who knows a ton about my clinic, I had some confusion when they flip between some details about clinics. For example, on page  1, the author writes "Parvati works for – Akanksha Infertility Clinic" and noting earlier that is is located in Ahmedabad. Then they flip to "Dr Kamini Patel, the director of Vani IVF Centre, in Ahmedabad". Even though these two clinic are in Gujarat and both have a Dr. Patel, they are two completely different clinics. The article flips back and forth between quotes from Parvati and quotes from Dr. Kamini, that it sounds like they are the same clinic. I actually wonder if they just misprinted which clinic Parvati was with. 

Also, while the Vani IVF Center they refer to frequently and write as having 48 surrogate babies born, I do want to note that Dr. Nayna Patel at the Akanksha Infertility Clinic has had over 500 surrogates born as of June of this year. I know this because I was here for the HUGE celebration, flanked with media from all over. I include this information because I can see that the most people would confuse the two clinics when reading the article. 

Open letter to The Hindu (newspaper)

Thanks to Douglas over at Just One Out of Seven Billion for bringing an article by The Hindu, to my attention.  Below is an open letter to the editor based on a similarly emailed letter.

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Regarding your article here: http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/article3640405.ece, I am surprised and saddened to see such a bias-based article written by The Hindu. There are several misrepresentations that I will list for your consideration.


1.) Thanks to the emergence of surrogate motherhood as a multimillion-dollar industry in the country, the clinic is doing a roaring business. What is the success formula? An unending supply of poor and illiterate women and the absence of laws have made the trade the fastest way to make money.

No source referenced here (a mainstay of good journalism) on how the author came to the conclusion that this specific clinic's success is based on [the uteri] of poor/illiterate women. No mention on how the clinic in question has put a lot into the community to educate the surrogates and their children. No mention of the trust fund set up to assist current and previous surrogates to further themselves and their family. A simple query into the community will show you that Dr. Patel is highly revered for all she has done to help the women in her care. Simple research into print editions of The Times of India (Ahmedabad edition) or Hindustan Times would have shown this as well. Had the author inquired into proof of how the surrogates have had their lives changed by this clinic, then Dr. Patel would have been able to provide this.


2.) Another inmate had four foetuses in her womb, two of which were aborted as the couple did not want so many children. There is no clarity on whether two foetuses were aborted for medical reasons. 

Using the emotional term "inmate" aside,  a woman carrying 4 foetuses to full term is in extreme danger, as are the foestuses. A rudimentary check with a few respectible obstetricians would have enlightened this fact. A woman's survival rate and the babies survival rate is seriously compromised and often considered not worth the risk. A doctor that WOULD allow this should draw much more concern as in cases where it is allowed, it would appear that the woman's health is not the priority.


3.) A commissioning couple can get a surrogate for half the price in India compared to the cost in the U.S. or the U.K., where surrogacy is not allowed or permitted only in special cases. European countries do not allow surrogacy at all. 

While I could lament on the economic differences between these countries and how comaparing them is extremely misleading, I will simply point out the cost of the average 1000 sqft flat in Vastrapura (located in the state of the clinic mentioned in this article) to allude my point: the [current] equivelent of 12-16K US dollars. To find the same home in the US at 3x the price would not only be almost impossible, but would most definitly require additional large funds to be habitated. That aside, this statement by the journalist, Aarti Dhar, is also false: surrogacy is most certainly allowed throughout the US. A few states may have particular laws disallowing it, but all one has to do is find a surrogate in a different state if there is any concern.

The statement on Europe is equally false as there is more than one European country that allows surrogacy, though like India, some do not have specific regulations in place. Even for the majority that do disallow it, the US has long been a place (much longer than India) for Europeans interested in surrogacy. Legal problems that were encountered in the US initially, such as the 1986 Baby M case, have been resolved by using gestational surrogacy only versus the traditional surrogacy.


The core principles of journalism dictate truthfulness, accuracy, objectivity, impartiality, fairness and public accountability. Since this article is not listed under the Opinion section and instead falls under the National section, it fails on all accounts. We can not address how women are being exploited in these circumstances, and I believe there is a high liklihood that they are in many places, if our newspapers do not give the information accurately and without bias. More importantly, we can not attempt to fix it. Very disappointing that The Hindu, with such a illustrious history and excellent reputation, failed on such a basic level.