Monday, February 25, 2013

Still Here

And so are the twins. Yay!!!! Growth rate in both is great and heartbeats are great.

Our surrogate has been officially released to her obstetrician with special instructions to also see a perinatologist.  Her obstetrician will recommend a perinatologist that she [the doctor] is familiar with so they can work in tandem. Our clinic was very happy with our surrogates choice in obstetrician. Everyone is so excited for us. 

I'm excited too, but still very nervous. Twins increase everything, including risk. If I think about it too long, I will drive myself crazy.

More later - just wanted to drop a quick update. Crap it's late. Night all. (I can't believe it's after 1am - sheesh.) 

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

News Article: Why Women's Eggs Don't Last

A human oocyte.FLICKR, ED UTHMAN

It's late and I'm tired, but I've been meaning to post about this since last week. My BFF sent it to me the same day we got our twins u/s report and I wasn't ready to share our news with him yet. Will have to have a talk with him at sometime to explain "timing" and how it relates to "appropriateness", but fortunately our u/s went well. Anyhow - since I wasn't in anguish over my old-ass eggs that day, I was able to read the article as it was intended.

The article is a very interesting read regarding how egg quality declines as women age. Too tired to go into my analysis of it so I will just give you the link outright. :-)

This really doesn't help me that much because of my age, but I do think it has great potential for others 10+ years from now, with a hope of pharmaceutical help to all ages of women. That would be freaking fantastic. 

Thursday, February 14, 2013

Cupid's Gift

Purchase here

Today could have been the best or worst Valentine's: this morning we had our ultrasound. Originally it was supposed to be on Saturday, but we realized that there was a miscommunication and that they don't do non-required-cycle ultrasounds on Saturday. That's a story in itself that at this point bores even me, so I will spare you the details.

I think I may have held my breath as the ultrasound began. My husband has never seen an ultrasound, which seems incredulous now that I think about it, so it was a completely new experience for him. (I've lost count on how many I've had in the last year alone!) After what seemed like forever (really just a few seconds), the big black circle came into focus. With a little white circle (yolk sack) inside. And a blinky heartbeat that measured at 129 beats per second. The doctor said it was perfect.

And then she showed us #2... Equally perfect.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

A Ferris Wheel


Recently I read: The Devil in the White City: Murder, Magic, and Madness at the Fair that Changed America, an intriguing, historical novel about the World's Fair in Chicago in 1893. While I will spare you even a brief review (ok fine, for the most part I liked it - there are you happy?), I was fascinated to get the history behind the wonderous Ferris Wheel - a staple to every decent fair I have ever known. In this well researched story, the Ferris Wheel, though only briefly mentioned, so perfectly captures the feelings that I am going through right now. From the build up of delays and potential problems to the exhilarating ride to horrible possibilities of things that can (and do) go wrong to the remorsefulness that comes with loss and success.

I'm nervous.
And excited.
And scared.
And guilt-ridden.

Who knew that after getting our initial hCG values (and good ones at that), that I'd still feel like a bundle of nerves? In the Land of IF*, a positive pregnancy test really is just extending the anxiety from the 2ww. Yay we are pregnant with a good hCG! Oh crap - I hope it doubles in two days. Yay it went over double! Oh crap, I hope it grows as expected by next blood test. Yay! It grew as expected! Congrats - you get a new 2ww till ultrasound, where hopefully, you will see a heartbeat. It feels like every milestone comes with new nerve-shattering waits.

But I'm also excited. For the first time ever, I'm considering shopping. On the surface that seems like a trivial thing, but as fellow IFers** know, it really isn't. There's always the thought "What if I buy something and then something goes wrong?"  In March, we have a HUGE, local community mom consignment event coming up, and if everything is still ok, then I'll feel like I can purchase some things. Not big things, but SOME things. A pleasure I have completely avoided on all of our tries (with the exception of 1 book last year). There are other things I am excited about, but the idea of allowing myself to shop is a pretty big deal.

Being scared is another emotion all together. There are so many things to worry about. Will the pregnancy make it? What if there are twins? What if there are more??? What if the baby(ies) are born early? What if there are medical problems afterwards? As the pot grows bigger, it feels like any loss would be that much more.

Lastly, I feel guilty. Of late, I have not read as many success/pregnancy/baby blogs as I normally do and even ditched a baby shower a few weeks ago that came smack in the middle of my 2ww. I just needed a break from everyone else's "Woo hoo". Quite frankly, I was trying to simultaneously prep my self for a bad outcome, while still holding out some hope. Now we have had a few "woo hoos" of our own and I think of all the other individuals out here in blog land, men and women who have been through so much more than me, still waiting. And that makes me sad. And it makes me feel guilty. Like a weird survivors guilt where circumstances could change and put me right back were I was before. Guilty for my current feelings of success that happened while I was shamefully avoiding other's.

The ride of infertility is much like that first ferris wheel created in 1893. Not only does the ferris wheel go up and down on it's circular ride, but the details before, after, and in-between can't be ignored. The marvel of it all staying together, even when massive numbers of nuts and bolts fly off, is awe-inspiring. On so many levels, each successful turn is to be admired.

*When I refer to the Land of If, I mean it from a metaphorical perspective. I am not quoting the book, but I do like to place a link to it because I feel in this phrase, Melissa Ford so perfectly captured the seclusion often felt by our community: people dealing with infertility. As such, I like to give her credit.

**IFers: people dealing with infertility. 

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Don't Bring It.

We received our 3rd beta test result today. For those of you keeping score:

January 27th: 130
January 29th: 365
February 2nd: 2268!

I have no idea what that means except that our nurse says our numbers are fantastic. On Tuesday we asked about singleton versus twins - the nurse I spoke with said right now they are considering it a singleton, but we won't know until the ultrasound. So what did we do? What any reasonable hopeful-parents-to-be would do: pestered our favorite nurse. 

"It is very, very difficult to know whether there could be more than one from bloodwork alone - and I have been wrong enough times to wait until the ultrasound rather than guess."

Fair enough. I guess I can stop obsessing with Dr. Google.

Oh who am I kidding? Just a few more peeks. Apparently we've reached a small milestone with our hCG of 2268. Between 1000-2000 you can see a gestational sac on an ultrasound. 

According to this IVF calculator, we are 4 weeks and 6 days pregnant with a due date of October 6th. 

If this was a normal milestone or challenge in my life, I'd be all 
"WOOOOOOOO HOOOOOO! We've made it this far - BRING IT <insert challenge here>!"
I think this time I will be all "woooo hooo. Don't bring it. Unless by "IT" you mean baby in 9 months. Or 10 months. Or whatever weird counting system they have going on these days that will result in a crying, pooping, bundle of joy"

Wonder what my 14 year old self would have thought of that statement from my 40 year old self? Probably just happy I'm still all weird.