Weekly Update: A Job, Land of IF, Being a Proud Parent

So many things, so many things. I've forgotten half of them already. Let's just hit the highlights and see what else I can remember.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, It's off to Work I Go.
Had to go back to work. Money is just too tight right now. Me not working for 8 months has finally taken a toll on our finances and if we want to continue in this Land of IF, then we can't do without my paycheck.

My first week of job hunting was really me just talking to recruiters. I figured I had put enough off during my travels to India, that now was the time to dig deep. That's always an adventure, but by week 2 I had a job - fortunately my area of expertise has an extremely low unemployment rate. It's a contract to perm position in IT, doing what I have over a decades experience experience in. I will be making over 10% more than what I did at my last job and for a company that has a big name all over the world.

What about my dreams to do some sort of humanitarian thing in the non-profit industry? Selfishly, our dreams of a family rates higher on the scale, thus I had to give up on a career choice that would pay just over 1/3 -1/2 of my current salary. All is not completely lost as the project I am working on helps people from 9/11. At least I can believe in the project. Some of the companies that wanted me to interview were BLECH. (Have had enough of soul sucking from my last job thank you very much!)

Speaking of Land of IF...
1.) Just starting reading the book Navigating the Land of IF: Understanding Infertility and Exploring Your Options by Melissa Ford of Stirrup Queens fame. Only on chapter 3 (have had to study for work - <sad face>), but it is pretty awesome. Have my own mini-collection of IF books, but this is the one that most interests me right now. Probably because it's not all doom and gloom fact based. Melissa does an excellent job of making the reader far more relaxed over a very NON-RELAXING subject and everyone is included. It's a hard road and the recurring theme is that we are not alone. And that it's ok to be all emotional. I'll write a full review when I'm finished.


2.) Our friend and her husband who offered to do surrogacy for us are "both feet in". YAY!!! That's the first hurdle. We've consulted with our local clinic and there are a couple of things we have to address, almost all of which we expected. Then there is the insurance issue. We don't know yet if her insurance has a surrogacy clause. Trying to find that out without sending up red flags. They aren't known nationally to cover these things...One step forward, two steps back.

The item I had not thought about was that my doctor wants to retest my FSH. It was high last january (12.4) and with the decrease in my AMH, she wants to make sure that it hasn't shot up to the high teens. I know, I know, it's a Big If. Wish me luck. If it comes back too high, then we could be in holding pattern for years for the DE as I've previously mentioned here and in other places.

Proud Parent
Some of you might remember that I have a 20 year old son. What I don't think I have ever mentioned is that he is in seminary school. Which is perfectly natural since his father is Jewish, my husband is an ex-Hindu, and I have had a lifetime of "trying to figure it all out". (Try not to laugh.) Anyhow, my son has a religious podcast now and I am very happy to see him do something he enjoys so much! Of course as the proud mama I had to listen to it right away and I was tickled in doing so. He was great! Very few people in life get to have the career that they absolutely love and I think he will be one of the lucky few. We have the best discussions and I'm thrilled that not only am I his mother, but also his friend. He dives into projects where he can bring help to those who need it and I am so incredibly proud of him.

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Well, that's all I can remember right now. Still recovering from the flu, which is interesting with starting a new job. I'm exhausted.

Book Review: Waiting for Daisy (a memoir)

Just before my recent trip to India, I was checking out what books might be on special for my Nook. Was intrigued when I saw the title pop up: Waiting for Daisy: A Tale of Two Continents, Three Religions, Five Infertility Doctors, an Oscar, an Atomic Bomb, a Romantic Night, and One Woman's Quest to Become a Mother. Immediately it was downloaded and consumed. Obviously. 
The Barnes and Nobel overview states, Peggy Orenstein’s widely hailed and bestselling memoir of her quest for parenthood begins when she tells her new husband that she’s not sure she ever wants to be a mother; it ends six years later after she’s done almost everything humanly possible to achieve that goal. Buffeted by one obstacle after another, Orenstein seeks answers both medical and spiritual in America and Asia, all the while trying to hold on to a marriage threatened by cycles, appointments, procedures, and disappointments. Waiting for Daisy is both an intimate page-turner and a wryly funny report from the front.
Orenstein is able to elegantly capture the ups and downs that infertile women go through with trying to have a baby; her story is unique, but her feelings genuine. She deals with cancer, depression, miscarriages, adoption, egg donation, career balance, mixed emotions, doctor mistakes, alternative therapies, and traveling to another continent in her pursuit of a baby. There is plenty of self-deprecating humor that lifts the book up in a way that only an insider may be able to "get". At  the beginning of the book she is making fun of how obsessive someone online seems, only to find herself in the same obsessive state later in the book. She humorously likens her path to harder medications to that of a drug addicted: "...next thing you know you are taking out a second mortgage to pay for your IVF treatment".
She is brutally honest and as such, some readers may not like her. She has thoughts we don't like and does actions we can't condone. Never-the-less, there will be many parts that IVFers will be able to relate to and even if you get angry at some of her choices, deep down I think many of us have guilt for something we have thought or done. She does not dwell on her guilt, but I suspect it is because publicly admitting some of the things are hard enough without lamenting on it for a long period. (Note: anyone that has gone through adoption or wishes they could go through adoption, will NOT like this book at all.)
The book ends with Peggy unexpectedly conceiving naturally, against all odds. While this is not possible for me, I still really enjoyed the book. Even though I got mad at the author on several occasions, I still felt that  bond that I feel to many of my IVF/surro bloggers who have different beliefs, different experiences, and different lives. I'm reminded how certain things can bring us all together, routing for one another, through it all. 

Wrap up from last week or so

The good:

To top off my previous birthday week, my hubby also planned a surprise birthday party for me on Saturday night. It was awesome. I'm guessing around 50 friends and family showed up. Brings tears to my eyes because sometimes often I think I'm very socially awkward and it meant a lot to have so many people show up for little old me. 

On the funny side of it, my hubby spilled the beans the night before. While cooking dinner he announces "don't go planning anything for tomorrow night," (I hadn't) "you have a surprise party." LOL. If you know me and my husband, you would appreciate how humorous I found this. The next evening we had to plan me acting surprise walking in. It was doubly and triply humorous because a.) my friends stink at being quiet during surprise parties and I heard the "shhhhh shhhhhh, here she comes!" from ACROSS THE PARKING LOT and b.) my friend's mom stopped us in the restaurant and said in her thick Greek accent, "happy birthday! So many people here for you!"  Truthfully I really was surprised though because I had no idea that many people would be there and the tears that came to my eyes were honest and sincere. 

The bad: 

I am getting frustrated with the communication issue with our clinic. Have done enough research to know that our doctor is super-duper busy, but that begs the question: why doesn't she hire additional staff? A case manager would be fantastic. Actually this deserves an entire separate post: so shall it be.

In other semi-bad news: remember how I was all "acupuncture doesn't hurt at all" the other week? Last week it did. Only in a few places, but YOW! I do not like needles. Which is pretty unfortunate when you think about what I will be going through next month. 

The other: 

I finished my book: All The Fishes Come Home to Roost: An American Misfit in India.  For those of you wondering, it has nothing to do with surrogacy, IVF, or even traveling in India. Basically it is a memoir from a woman whose parents worshiped a deceased Indian cult leader, and decided to move India to live with other followers. Tragedy written with wit, off-color humor ensues in the same style of Augusten Burroughs's Running with Scissors. I won't go into a long review here, but if you liked Scissors (or other tragedy/humor type memoirs), then you will probably enjoy this. I'd give it 4 out of 5 stars. 3.5 on a grumpy day. I look forward to more from this author as this was her first book. 

The other part deux:

Watched Google Baby today. I had seen clips of it before, but had not gone as far as to watch it yet. Mostly because a lot of the comments on youtube and news sites were pretty hurtful. I don't know why I let that affect me as I generally despise the comment section of news articles and such, regardless of the topic. (Makes me depressed that there so many misinformed or hateful people.) Any way, the movie was good. I thought it may make me second guess my decision (based on the trailer), but it actually had the opposite effect. Made me reaffirm that our decision is the right one for us. 

I'm putting the trailer below, but I don't think it's good representation of the movie. There are other clips on youTube you can watch as well to get slightly more. I'm guessing the trailer was designed more for people that aren't going through surrogacy and have prejudgments. The movie isn't judgmental at all. The movie is informative from a practical, medical, and emotional standpoint. If you can get a copy, I would say go for it. 

Book Review: The Sacred Thread: A True Story of Becoming a Mother and Finding a Family--Half a World Away

The Sacred Thread: A True Story of Becoming a Mother and Finding a Family--Half a World Away


4.5 out of 5 stars.

As a read this book, I started folding little corners on pages that had little oddities to me. Things like using terms such follicles and eggs interchangeably (having 4 or 5 follicles in a scan and then saying you have 4 or 5 eggs.)  Then implying that only a few more than 4 or 5 may be too many (not true as >30 indicates high risk for ovarian over-stimulation). There is a timeline issue that does not flow correctly on one or two occasions. Little things here and there. More like editorial mistakes that would have been hard to catch unless you are a woman going through IVF, and in some cases realizing inaccuracies about India.

That said, if you can look past these things, if you can say to yourself  "this is her story and probably her perception at the time she wrote it", then it is an awesome read. Adrienne Arieff does a wonderful job of letting you feel like you are on the ride with her, which is important as many of her readers will be on, or considering, a similar journey. Her adventurous spirit is infectious and gives courage to all who read her story. There are plenty of places to weep with joy as well as with sadness, and not all in areas that one would expect.

Many western authors make the mistake of trying to repeatedly lump all of India into one classification. Arieff does not do this to my tremendous relief. She is humble and non-judgmental in her writings of her experience, and in some cases recognizes her own short comings and that of the culture she was raised in. Yay for authors that are so insightful! She only voices her frustrations and observations of her experiences when dealing with a foreign culture that she is not used to, while still showing the importance of remaining respectful. Even when it may seem impossible.

I must pause here and mention one thing that I did not like and seemed completely out of place here in the book: a part when she does become judgmental towards genetic parent(s) for 2 short paragraphs. Some may find it quite insulting when she surmises about why most do not stay in India as long as she did. In a book that does a great job of avoiding a supercilious tone, here is where she stumbles. 

Arieff can be forgiven, as this is her only major aberration in the book. The story was intriguing enough that I finished it in days instead of my normal squeezing in of 10-20 minutes a night. She does an excellent job of expressing herself in away that the reader experiences everything with her. You feel like an insider and want to hug her for support and happiness throughout the book. 

My own experiences of India and my new family over there has shown me how important family is. Arieff nails this concept. Not only through her struggles of having a child, but also in remembering her mother, in her adventures with her mother-in-law, her childhood, and even with the family of her surrogate. Family is a reoccurring theme throughout the book no matter where she takes you - past or present. In a country where it is often heard that "family is the number one priority", it seems fitting to consider starting one there.

I look at all of  the little folded pages of flaws I've booked marked and notice something else - many are not even flaws but important concepts I wanted to look back on at a later time. It is then that I realize that the bookmarks were really just an excuse to read this book again. I'm sure I will. Right after I let a few people borrow it.

Hindi

Back to studying my Hindi with Rosetta Stone.* It's a really slow go. I've gotten better (from previous attempts) of practicing more often, but it's hard as heck. Some of those sounds I don't even know how to make!

My husband and had an interesting conversation the other night when he overheard me practicing. There was a word I was saying that had a T sound in it. Apparently there is more than one way to make a hard T sound in Hindi. Hubby was trying to show me the difference, but both examples sounded exactly the same to me. Oh well, hopefully it will come with more practice. My close friend advised me to ask her husband. He speaks fluent Hindi and is American - thus might be able to point out differences to me in a way I can relate.

Besides Rosetta Stone, I also purchased the book Teach Yourself Beginner's Hindi Script.** I had read somewhere that this was a really good compliment to the Rosetta Stone, as the Rosetta stone uses ONLY Hindi script and no western type alphabet to use as a comparison. (They do have our alphabet for instructions and things.)  If you take a look at the book image on the right, you can see some of my predicament. This book is on my study list for tonight. I was frustrated with Rosetta Stone the other day, and I think this will not only help with the problem I was encountering, but help me get over the frustration hump. One can hope anyway.

*I have version 3, they are on version 4 now.

**I have no idea why this book is selling so expensive now on amazon in the used book section. When I bought it used a few months ago, it was around $10. If you are interested in purchasing it, then I'll bet you can find it cheaper elsewhere. 

Just the quote I needed today

Just started my new book, The Sacred Thread: A True Story of Becoming a Mother and Finding a Family - Half a World Away, and the opening page has this quote:

"At one end of this world, there is one woman who desperately needs a baby and cannot have her own child". And at the other end, these is a woman who badly wants to help her own family. If these two women want to help each other, why not allow that? They're helping one another to have a new life in this world."


   --Dr. Nayna Patel, medical director
      Akanksha Infertility Clinic
      Anand, India

Exactly.

Book learnin'

Started reading IVF: A Patient's Guide, by Rebecca Matthews PhD. In Chapter 1 I have already found at least 1 error (possibly two)* and that is a little frustrating. Also the constant mentioning of how crappy my chances are since I am older is a bit depressing, but all in all, still like the book. I like that's it's written from a factual standpoint, which even with the depressing crap, I can appreciate. Give it to me straight doc. I'll give my full review once I am complete.


If you are similar and like data / academic reading, then run to your nearest college and see if the library will let you have access to the periodical: Fertility and Sterility. Fascinating stuff in there! If your local college library (or local library???) doesn't have it available, then I suggest buddying up with some professor types. They can usually access the articles free of charge online. Otherwise, the individual articles are pretty expensive. I think the first one I looked at was $35. FOR ONE ARTICLE!!! Fortunately I have the hook-up. :-)

 Do you have any favorite books or articles that you found helpful? How about websites. Feel free to share them in the comment section.

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*Error(s): Page 6 lists the SART data from 2008 with regards to pregnancy success rates. The rows labeled "Percentage of pregnancies with twins" and "Percentage of pregnancies with triplets or more" are inverted. I knew this instantly because I have combed over SART statistics and went back to verify after reading this. If someone did not know this, then the erroneous percentages for triplets could be QUITE shocking.
The second possible error rate is on page 9 in the sentence "...the triplet rate should be low (less than 10% and closer to 5%)...". While technically this is correct, in my observation of triplet rates, I noticed numbers that hovered more between 1-3.5%. Unless my memory is wrong OR I am completely misreading something. (Not unheard of.) 

Unnecessary title explanation...

I suppose I could classified as one of those people that tends to over-think mundane things. On one hand I believe it often gives me great insight, on the other it plaques me with time-consuming obsessive thoughts on the meaning of, well, hell, most things. Mundane or not. That said, very late last night I decided to write this blog and 5-10 minutes later I decided on the name.

While I could (and will to some small degree) laminate on what went into the name, the short answer is that it was very late,  it seemed catchy, and I finally got around to reading "A Passage to India" a few months ago. That's kinda it in a nut shell. Somewhere in my tired mind it made sense given that my husband and I have a complex relationship of west meet east, even before the idea of Indian surrogacy entered the picture. You see *cue dramatic music* my husband is from India and I am from the US. That gives us a unique perspective into our upcoming journey. One I feel may help others - even those who are not in the same situation.  

I haven't read extensive literary essays on the meaning of "A Passage to India" (nor do I plan to), so I can only base the title on what I took from the book. Without going into a day long book review, the end result is that it is about the struggles that occur between cultures, great sacrifice, injustice, and acceptance. Other things as well, but that will suffice for now. Maybe I will manage to weave all of the different meanings into this story where it is fitting. Maybe not. Now that I think about it, I don't even want to laminate "to some small degree". For now, I'll try not to over-think it, for there are far too many prevalent things to over-think at the moment. 

Welcome aboard. Please fasten your seat belts - turbulence is expected.