Saturday, January 26, 2013

Tomorrow is the Day: Random Thoughts the Day Before

Work has been wicked busy (and good), thus I haven't had a whole lot of time to perform my usual obsessiveness during this period. With the weekend here and time so close, it's starting to creep in. I flip between wanting to look at baby stuff and then quickly switching to something else.

Tomorrow night we are celebrating my son's birthday - 21. (Holy crap - when did that happen?!?) His actual birthday is not that day, but he already had plans on his birthday (free sporting event tickets with great seats!) and I had a choose a different night. It didn't occur to me that I was choosing the night that could be either a very sad or very happy one for us. I'd hate to steal his thunder or put a damper on such an eventful birthday. Though now that I think about it, he would be thrilled at the good news. When I mentioned my poor date choice to my husband he became slightly surly and thought I was already thinking negatively; I quickly assured him I was not. 

Add dinner to tomorrows schedule of things, and then I saw that friends need help sewing costumes with a recital they are having next week. I was supposed to be in it, but I bowed out of the recital once I realized that it would be too hard with to do with the IVF cycle. Still, I had to explain that I probably couldn't help with the sewing aspects tomorrow either. I hate that, but it is what it is. Almost no one in that group is aware of our infertility problem and I can't imagine getting the phone call in the middle of all of that. Not to mention I'm sure my husband wants us to be together for that moment. 

By far this has been our best cycle and some part of me wonders if we had had the opportunity to do it here earlier (instead of India), if the results wouldn't have turned out better for the other cycles. We will never know for sure, but I suspect it may have. The cyst probably killed my first cycle and we would have waited if we weren't already in India. After the second cycle we found out that BCP lowers chances in women my age, something that is hard to avoid when you have to fly across the world and time everything. Actually, had I known that prior, I probably would have just flown out earlier and not taken any. Maybe. I'm not sure if we could have been that flexible with my husband's schedule. Who really knows except that this last cycle, which should have been the worst, was my best. By far. 

Sad to think that this is our last cycle with my eggs. Not to be Debbie-downer (I am hopeful), but if it doesn't work then we are in limbo for awhile. We will go to egg donation, but who knows when we will be able to do that or the logistics of it. While I won't feel a disconnect from any future baby we have that isn't biologically tied to me, I will feel a disconnect from my husband and his family. I don't know exactly how to explain that statement and any attempt to try would probably muddle it up even more. 

Plus , I so genuinely want to see what a mix of our genes would produce. Like most couples, I think we will/would make beautiful babies that will/would go on to do great and wonderful things. I would miss seeing the flicker of mischievousness from my Grandfather,  the possibility of light blue eyes (that have never changed due to any marriage mix), and the beauty and intelligence that I could point out from so many that came before me. Children are wonderful no matter where they come from, but there is something longing in me that wants the physical reminder of my loved ones that have passed to carry on in our future child. 

Sad to think it's our last cycle and a relief. Cycling is harder than I imagined and you have to put so many restrictions on yourself. So grateful to be able to resume wine, regular caffeine  and long hot baths. To not take a daily dose of supplements that make me rage/cry/get acne/grow more facial hair/etc.. Grateful not to have to pump more hormones and all the fun things that go with that. To not have to worry about gaining more weight; wondering if I need to buy a new wardrobe or just put my body on hold for yet a few more months. This week I was finally able to make appointments to get a cavity filled (anesthesia) and see my dermatologist (where most things Rx'd are no-nos for IVFers).  

My eggs are literally all in one basket. It can go either way. We transferred many embryos, but not more than the embryologist felt comfortable with. On one hand that makes me excited because it gives us a higher chance, on the other hand it makes sad thinking that our chances are so low to begin with that it's ok.  

Deep breath. 

Off to take a bath and think happy thoughts. If happy thoughts don't come, there's always my fallback: Grey's Anatomy. That sh#t's addictive and engrossing. Have lots to keep me busy today, so I need to get off the computer and try and dive into that. Tomorrow is the day and hopefully we will have great news. 

16 comments:

  1. I am continuously keeping my fingers crossed for you! Please, embies, stick HARD!!!!
    Longing for good news!

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  2. Fingers and toes crossed for you!!!! I can't wait to hear (read) your news tomorrow!

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  3. I am so hoping for good news from you!! Can't wait to hear about it!

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    1. Thank you dear! So sorry to hear of yours. Hugs.

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  4. Happy Birthday to your son! Finger's crossed for tomorrow.

    Also, I've nominated you for the Liebster Blog Award! http://frozenojsconcentratedlife.blogspot.com/2013/01/liebster-blog-award-part-2.html

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  5. Hopefully things will work out beautifully tomorrow and it will be a great celebration! IF not you will regroup and find a path forward - since I am on the GC donor path I can honestly tell you once you reach this point ALL you will care about is a healthy baby. I've been able to actually select a donor who resembles our family, has a better family history and likely intellectually brighter ( at least going back generations - my parents were successful but not college educated and I'd say we are similar educated ). While it is DIFFICULT at first , you find a way through it and I am looking forward to meeting this wonderful child I've created one day!

    Your eggs are not all in one basket - it just feels that way today.

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    1. Yea, I know I would be fine, but just a wistful sadness. My father passed away when I was young and now all of my grandparents are gone.
      But you are right, I will be happy either way. I will be happy that the baby WON'T have my neurosis.
      I think the invasive questions from others will/would be the hardest part. And there are plenty of people in our lives that would ask them.

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  6. Good luck for tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you and hope and pray its a positive! Also wanna emphasise anonymous post above, I adore my newborn son born through surrogacy India with donated eggs. I love that he's different to us both genetically and tbh doesn't and won't look like either of us-despite his family trying to desperately find similarities between my hubby and him, ridi ulous at 5days but I play along as tbh I'm over it. He's my son and I love his appearance and it might not be the same as some family members but guess I'm lucky that I have Indian heritage on one side so he will reflect that.

    Anyway focus on tomorrow /today and all the good news it may bring, I pray it does. Love Anna x

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    1. Yes, I will still be thrilled even if we have to go the egg donor route. :-)

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  7. Good luck tomorrow. I know all those feelings you are going through, it could have been me writing that post. I hope it works out this time, you have a really good chance. I will be checking tomorrow for great news.

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  8. Eagerly awaiting your good news tomorrow. Good luck!

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