Saturday, November 3, 2012

On Feeling Alone

I know that there are TONS of folks that face infertility, but damn it, sometimes this path feels so lonely.

  • The hormones.
  • The feeling less of a woman.
  • The weight gain and the realization none of your clothes fit. 
  • The money. (You can't even think of buying new clothes).
  • The daily meds or supplements.
  • The feeling of failure.
  • The limitations of what you can eat/drink/do to make sure you have "the best chances".
  • The no baby. 
  • The doctor visits
  • The pretending everything is fine.
  • The pretending like you really want to hear and be invited to every baby event.
  • People asking "so when are you guys going to have kids?"
  • The CONSTANT reminder that you are old (or at least your eggs are). 
  • The roller coaster that just won't seem to stop no matter how long you've been on the ride. 
  • The worry that wanting to use your own eggs raises the chance of health issues in your child. 
  • The worry that I'm becoming obsessive or annoying.
  • Worrying about my in-laws
  • The invasive procedures
  • The worrying over every little unknown pain will cause a problem
  • The money (yes, this is big enough to write twice).
  • etc...

My BFF is a guy and I don't think he can completely relate. Actually, I take that back. His situation is worse.
Me: "This sucks. I can't carry a baby. My eggs are getting old. And we pay a fortune just to be on this stupid roller coaster ride."
BFF: "I think my MS, being single, no chance of kids, and the eventually that my walker requirement will turn into a wheelchair requirement triumphs. My insurance alone is over $900 a month and I can't work."
Me: "touche. Let's go grab lunch. It's on me."

My second BFF just had a baby, so it's not like I want to rain on her parade or have her feel like she's walking on eggshells. She's so totally awesome and her baby is as cute as cute can be.

My husband, though tremendously patient with me, doesn't alway understand how this physically and emotionally this affects me. And as many of you know, it's a doozy  Nor do I, having been a parent before and not from a culture who puts the highest importance on having children, understand all of his internal turmoil. On dealing with the emotional side of IF, we probably both stuff it down in order to appear brave for the other.

If I tried to discuss things with my mother, then she would be incredibly sad worrying about me. That would only add to my stress. No thanks.

In blog land I sometimes worry that I am offending others. In my posts and sometimes my comments; both farthest from what I am actually trying to do. Just trying to convey my thoughts at a particular moment in time. Or trying to avoid feeling sad. Or trying to be helpful. Or funny.

In work and with friends, I'm limited to what I can say. Sometimes because I'm trying to protect myself (lest I am fired for going through IF like I alluded to here) and sometimes I just don't want everyone knowing my business. Nor do I have the desire to be the discussion of gossip as can happen when you have a large group of friends. Nor do I want to be the person that constantly complains and whines as that drives me crazy. Little bits are fine, but when you run into that person who has had problems for soooooo long, it becomes exhausting to talk to them. I certainly don't want to be "that" person.

Yet life goes on. Everyone is busy discussing their kids, sharing fun photos, and doing fun family projects. I'm sure it's a grass-is-greener type thing (after all, we've had some AMAZING travel adventures over the last 4 years), but if I see one more Luvs commercial on Hulu, I'm going to scream.


  1. It's hard to say I understand as I havnt experienced what you have, but I have a lot of empathy as I've felt everything you've felt at various times. You're doing well, and I find you funny and very interesting. X

  2. I've felt that way so many times as well. The money, yes, it's crazy! And everything else. But it won't be like that all the time nor forever. I try to remind myself of all the good things we have and how, even though having a child is sooo important, not having them won't be the end of the world. Hang in there sweetie, and I doubt you have offended anyone in the blog world. xoxo

    1. You are right. I need to concentrate on the good.

  3. I think many of us on here can tick off many of those issues on your list. It's not easy and was never going to be easy. However, one thing this journey has taught me is to never give up hope. This may sound kitch but if you have hope in your heart it will inspire you positively to go on and keep riding the crests and waves of that rollecoaster known as infertility. I totally get what you mean about the commercials. Before this journey for probably close to 20 years everytime a baby ad came on TV my smile would disappear and I would become sad (which was always quite difficult for me as I am known to be a very happy person). Never give up on your dreams and try different ways to make them come true. I hope to see a positive result for you soon on here. Take care xxx

  4. Feel these many times specially the constant reminder of being old... Aargh
    Hope of one day seeing your dream come true helps you keep moving ahead.
    Take care and much wishes

    1. What is up with the "old" thing. They really need to find a better way to phrase that. :-)

    2. Yep, I'm only 38 but in the baby making world that is OLD and my darn body hasn't gotten the message that I wasn't supposed to get so "old" so quickly. Thus the name of my blog: Old Lady and No Baby haha!!

    3. Amber - just found your blog! Good stuff!

  5. Please don't ever worry about what you say in blogland, we all understand the never ending frustration and pain of not having children. I felt so lonely too, 12 years of avoiding babies and trying to carry on and not care that everything I ever tried failed dismally.
    Even if people don't comment many people will read you post and relate to many of the feelings you have shared and know they are not alone.
    Most people never knew how I felt either, i think they just thought I was aloof. Look after yourself and keep heading towards your dreams....there is always other ways to reach your dreams, I am proof of that and so will you be xx

    1. Thanks. I was mostly having a bad few days internally. Feeling better thanks a lot to all of you. :-)

  6. Good thing we have these blogs. TO help cast off the "i am the only one" feelings


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